I am falling apart. I haven't slept six hours in a row in I don't know how long. I look at pictures of myself and I think holy crap! Do I really have giant bags under my eyes like that? Do people who I am serving in the restaurant see that? Do they feel sorry for me? I would, I'd also be worried. All I want to do is sleep and be normal. I just can't imagine it, I can't go to bed early enough to get any normal amount of sleep. I can't believe I have dealing with this bullshit for TEN years.
I broke my wrist in March, I have what was regular carpal tunnel which has turned into nightmare carpal tunnel, so I have to wear braces on both hands every night just so I can wake up and not have them be burning with pain. They are always burning, but it's so much worse if I don't wear my braces. Like six weeks ago, or so, my knee went out one night at work and I guess it's because I have arthritis? Normal degeneration of a knee cap for someone my age? And weight? No one has said the weight part but that's just math and science, right? More weight on a degenerating kneecap is worse right?, worse than less weight? Too bad I can't work out, I cant even go walking, so I am as fat as ever.
Felicity comes in and wakes us up like three or four nights out of seven. She'll come in anywhere from 1:00 to 5:00, we prefer earlier because then there's a chance we'll get back to sleep. Although it's not *always* better, sometimes she is up from 1:00-3:00 or 4:00. Mike is sleeping with a CPAP so I want to leave him alone but some nights I give up because I'm afraid I'm going to throw her out the window and jump out right behind her.
I have cut back my hours at the restaurant again, just one night a week for now and two starting in October. We got a letter of denial of coverage from Anthony's insurance company, they just started covering him in March! FOUR MONTHS! I am hopeful that we know more now and we will be able to prove that it is medically necessary for him to have the ABA therapy that has been prescribed by a doctor. Also we are suing A*nthem, maybe, so maybe that will help. Maybe if we successfully sue his previous insurance company, his present one will BE COOL, like killing a guy right when you get to mail.
Mike is falling apart too, his back is thrown. It's so hard. It's so hard to be so old and be dealing with these little kids. I never thought it would be this hard and I don't think I can do it. I think, well, be brave! Surely you have been through worse, but the fact is, I haven't. So maybe I can do it but I have no proof.
I finished my one year novena, the prayers of St. Brigid. So far, no miracles, but maybe it's a miracle that I've gotten this far?
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
The Week
The week goes like this: On Monday, Mike works from home which makes everything easier, just because there is another adult in the house. If I want to go for a walk or to the bank or whatever, I just can. Today, Maria and Veronica are going to VBS at their school (and our church) so I'm dropping them off and it will just be Felicity until like 12, then we are supposed to meet friends and play this afternoon. Tonight we have no scheduled plans so we will just have dinner and hang out.
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Lent
Every Lent I go through this - well probably every almost spring, and it just coincides with Lent. I feel so grumpy and sad and depressed and I think what the heck? Why is it making me feel so bad to do all this extra praying and fasting? I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I had any feeling like it would get better after Easter, in fact it would make me feel very holy and great if I thought I was working toward something.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Briefly
For the LOVE of all that is GOOD and HOLY, Pope Francis, while a wonderful Pope and Vicar of God on Earth, is not breaking any new ground by agreeing that the Big Bang happened! The Catholic church has never refuted this, nor the Theory of Evolution.
I don't know what is happening with this Pope and the media but it is very creepy. Yesterday on FB, I saw where a (Non-Catholic) friend posted about the "news" about the Pope and the Big Bang Theory and someone called Pope Benedict a Nazi and said that it was good that he retired when he realized he was no longer relevant. I ... um, ... what?
I can't think of another organization that has such misinformation passed about it and it's just A-OKAY with all the pedants int he world who would DEMAND better information about anyone else. It is driving me bananas.
Here's a link to some information about the CATHOLIC PRIEST who is given credit for proposing the BIG BANG THEORY. Just FYI. As I tweeted to my friend who retweeted a joke from Dr. Ruth regarding the Pope deciding that the Church is okay with the Big Bang Theory, the Catholic church has always been okay with it. #themoreyouknow
I don't know what is happening with this Pope and the media but it is very creepy. Yesterday on FB, I saw where a (Non-Catholic) friend posted about the "news" about the Pope and the Big Bang Theory and someone called Pope Benedict a Nazi and said that it was good that he retired when he realized he was no longer relevant. I ... um, ... what?
I can't think of another organization that has such misinformation passed about it and it's just A-OKAY with all the pedants int he world who would DEMAND better information about anyone else. It is driving me bananas.
Here's a link to some information about the CATHOLIC PRIEST who is given credit for proposing the BIG BANG THEORY. Just FYI. As I tweeted to my friend who retweeted a joke from Dr. Ruth regarding the Pope deciding that the Church is okay with the Big Bang Theory, the Catholic church has always been okay with it. #themoreyouknow
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Duggars
I don't think I've seen more than five minutes all together of any of those Nineteen and Counting shows, and I don't really have any opinion about all those Duggars, but I find myself getting kind of mad when people go on and on about them.
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Fifteen Prayers of St. Bridget
So my friend Marta had this idea of doing this novena for ONE YEAR. Her sister is doing it and she said that if you do this novena for ONE YEAR, a lot of good things happen to you. It came up because we were talking about dying suddenly. I can't remember for sure but I think I was talking about Mike's friend Tim, who died suddenly, I mean, he basically went to bed one night and everything was normal and he never woke up. His daughter is the same age as Maria and this was at Christmas right after Felicity was born, so they were not quite four years old, his daughter was not quite four when Tim died. It was a very significant loss for Mike, as Tim was one of his best and oldest friends, so I think about him a lot but also because I am so scared of that, of dying suddenly or Mike dying suddenly. Marta said well you should do this novena that my sister is doing because one of the things that it GUARANTEES is that you will not die suddenly. And I was like, um, what in the who now? Marta is from Italy and her sister lives there still and I have never really heard of such a thing. Marta is also a better pray-er than I am, so I guess that's why I never heard of it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Eleven Things
I can never, ever resist a meme.
1. What is your favorite type of cheese?
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
2. What are you excited about?
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
3. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
4. What is on your bedside table?
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
5. What do you order from the movie theater concession stand?
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
6. Do you have a garden? What’s growing?
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
7. Any summer plans?
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
8. Which TV couple(s) are you rooting for?
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
10. What’s one thing you are passionate about?
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
11. What are you grateful for this week?
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
You are Being Tacky at the Least
Dear Person who puts a St. Joseph Statue Upside Down in Their Yard so he can Magically Sell Their House:
Stop. Stop it! It's so tacky. If you are Catholic, it might even be sacrilegious! I mean, it's not really against God or anything because of course St. Joseph was just a person, but it's kind of mean. I mean, we ask Saints to pray for us, to help us find lost things (Anthony) to pray that our dog gets better (Francis), to pray that we stop being so crazy (Dymphna), you get the picture, right? So why, if you were asking someone for something, would you bury a statue of them in the yard? UPSIDE DOWN? Ticky tack.
With Love and God Help You,
Joanne
I have a friend who commented on this very thing the other day. I felt like it was bait but I might be paranoid. Some radio personality said he wasn't Catholic but he heard Catholics buried the statue of St. Joseph upside down so he could sell their house and should he try? So my friend commented that she was Catholic and her house didn't sell for five months and then she buried the statue and it sold in two weeks!
I mean, it makes us look like kooks. And also dumbbells. There are specific prayers that you can say to Saints. You can look them up! You can say prayers and ask St. Gerard to pray for you as a mother, you can ask the Blessed Mother for ANYTHING. I just - how did it come up that poor Joseph should have his visage buried upside down in a yard? THEN - oh I forgot - THEN if your house does sell, you are to take the statue and presumably wash it off, then put it in a place of honor in your new house that you buy with the money from your old house. If your house doesn't sell, I guess you just bash it over the head of your Realtor or something.
If I were a bad Catholic, it would make me ashamed to be a bad Catholic.
Stop. Stop it! It's so tacky. If you are Catholic, it might even be sacrilegious! I mean, it's not really against God or anything because of course St. Joseph was just a person, but it's kind of mean. I mean, we ask Saints to pray for us, to help us find lost things (Anthony) to pray that our dog gets better (Francis), to pray that we stop being so crazy (Dymphna), you get the picture, right? So why, if you were asking someone for something, would you bury a statue of them in the yard? UPSIDE DOWN? Ticky tack.
With Love and God Help You,
Joanne
I have a friend who commented on this very thing the other day. I felt like it was bait but I might be paranoid. Some radio personality said he wasn't Catholic but he heard Catholics buried the statue of St. Joseph upside down so he could sell their house and should he try? So my friend commented that she was Catholic and her house didn't sell for five months and then she buried the statue and it sold in two weeks!
I mean, it makes us look like kooks. And also dumbbells. There are specific prayers that you can say to Saints. You can look them up! You can say prayers and ask St. Gerard to pray for you as a mother, you can ask the Blessed Mother for ANYTHING. I just - how did it come up that poor Joseph should have his visage buried upside down in a yard? THEN - oh I forgot - THEN if your house does sell, you are to take the statue and presumably wash it off, then put it in a place of honor in your new house that you buy with the money from your old house. If your house doesn't sell, I guess you just bash it over the head of your Realtor or something.
If I were a bad Catholic, it would make me ashamed to be a bad Catholic.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Litany
I don't know if Litany is the right word. I have many complaints and worries, but what does a person do with them? If a person brings their worries and complaints to their friends/families, those people are tempted to cheer the person up, or God help us, to try and quick fix them. If a person goes to a priest, the priest is tempted to remind the person that God loves them, which, ugh. I don't want to hear that right now. If God loves me so much, why do horrible, shitty things keep happening to me? Why am I so miserable almost all of the time? Why do I spend so much time thinking how I can get out of this? Why do I have to hide in the bathroom with the fan on just to not hear it?
I am so jealous and envious of people, of normal people. I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I am forty six years old and I work as a waitress at $2 and hour plus tips but a lot of those tips suck because I wait on mostly old people who are mean and - I mean mean like cheap and they are also sometimes mean like crappy to me. I can't go to work until Mike comes home to watch the kids, so sometimes I'm late and I have to stay at this bad job because no one else will put up with someone being late all the damned time. I can't get a babysitter to stay with the kids because Anthony has to be picked up, by ME, every day at 4:30. We could have him transported home but that costs $12 a day and guess what, we don't have it! We can't pay a babysitter because we don't have the money, we can't get Anthony a ride home because we don't have the money, I have to go to work because we don't have the money. There are people at work who want to make all the money, so I have to fight for every table, fight for every dollar, and I'm so sick of it. I keep thinking I am better than this but guess what? I am not. I would try to take some pride in my work but guess what? We can't afford that, either.
Anthony has been grabbing at us and hitting us for like six months now? Nine? A long time. It's gotten MUCH better at his therapy center, he doesn't do it at all anymore because they have taught him that they'll just ignore it. But we can't ignore it. He pulled Felicity to the floor today, should I advise her to ignore it? She doesn't do anything I say, so I doubt it would work. I spent a lot of time in the last two weeks calling his neurologist, well his nurse because guess what? The actual doctor can't spend time talking to a plebe like me on the phone. I iterated my concerns and she said that she'd talk to him and call me back and she did, she said he said it sounded like it was behavioral so we should talk to his ABA therapy people about it. Ohhhh, I wanted to say, I hadn't thought of that! Thanks! But of course we have talked to them, they ignore it and it stops but we can't ignore it. They are having home therapy here so that Anthony can behave here like he does at home but guess what? That is a giant pain for me, to have to try and work with Anthony while also amusing the other children whose every demand must be met immediately or there is so much yelling and screaming and then Anthony knocks them down and um, new plan!
My neck hurts all the time from being violently pulled to the floor. I am so tired and nervous that I am getting a tic. I had to stop drinking because I'm worried I'm drinking to much, for escape, but who wouldn't want to escape this drudgery? I clean like a slave because if I'm not constantly cleaning up food of the floor, the ants completely take over.
This morning, to bring it back to church, we were getting ready for Mass and Anthony pushed Felicity to the floor. She was being a jerk, she was tired because certain other jerkstores were so noisy this morning they woke her up. I don't want to say who but it was Maria and Veronica. Veronica came marching over to my side of the bed and said "Mommy, me and Maria want you to come downstairs". I asked what time it was and she said "7:01". My first thought was crap, now I have to get up with them this Sunday and NEXT Sunday too, for stupid Fathers' Day. Anyways, they were up early and they are noisy and they woke up Felicity and Anthony and that makes them grumpy. So I said to Mike, I'm not going to church with all of them, I'm not doing it! Last week we had to really wrestle Anthony to go to Communion, the week before he took OFF HIS PANTS, I mean, COME ON! I'm not doing it. I said I would go later and I thought, I'm not going. I'm not going, I thought, I don't believe in this bullshit anyway and besides I am sick. Sick in the head! But now it's 4:41, I started writing this this morning and now I am going to Mass.
This week I went to the funeral of a guy who was 37 years old, he left a wife and two boys, who are like five and seven, or six and eight, or something. It was a strange funeral because his wife (a woman who Mike works with) spoke, so eloquently and beautifully I couldn't get over it. She put aside all her sadness and fear and whatever else and spoke so proudly about her husband, it was something else. I don't know how she did it and at first I didn't know why she did it but then as she talked about her husband and how wonderful he was, and how they could go on without him because he was so great, I thought oh. Oh, she did it for her kids and - I mean, that is incredible, right? That is being a great and responsible parent. Then the priest spoke (he did the homily, sometimes people who aren't Catholic thing anyone can say the homily for a eulogy but they can't. Colleen, the wife, spoke right after they all entered and before the Mass started) and he read from a document that Chris, the man who died, wrote about his experience with cancer that he found out he had in February of this year. He talked about how blessed he was and how grateful he was that he had his faith and friends and he wrote about how LUCKY he felt. It was such a gift, to hear his words and realize that in the face of the disease which ultimately took his life, he felt lucky. It was a really powerful experience.
And that was on THURSDAY and then by Sunday, I was all, I'm not going to church! So I have thought about it a lot today and I don't know why I am in this shitty position, but here I am. It's not as bad as some and it's CERTAINLY worse than some but it's my life. I applied for some jobs and I am trying to heal thyself and we will see how it all turns out.
I am so jealous and envious of people, of normal people. I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I am forty six years old and I work as a waitress at $2 and hour plus tips but a lot of those tips suck because I wait on mostly old people who are mean and - I mean mean like cheap and they are also sometimes mean like crappy to me. I can't go to work until Mike comes home to watch the kids, so sometimes I'm late and I have to stay at this bad job because no one else will put up with someone being late all the damned time. I can't get a babysitter to stay with the kids because Anthony has to be picked up, by ME, every day at 4:30. We could have him transported home but that costs $12 a day and guess what, we don't have it! We can't pay a babysitter because we don't have the money, we can't get Anthony a ride home because we don't have the money, I have to go to work because we don't have the money. There are people at work who want to make all the money, so I have to fight for every table, fight for every dollar, and I'm so sick of it. I keep thinking I am better than this but guess what? I am not. I would try to take some pride in my work but guess what? We can't afford that, either.
Anthony has been grabbing at us and hitting us for like six months now? Nine? A long time. It's gotten MUCH better at his therapy center, he doesn't do it at all anymore because they have taught him that they'll just ignore it. But we can't ignore it. He pulled Felicity to the floor today, should I advise her to ignore it? She doesn't do anything I say, so I doubt it would work. I spent a lot of time in the last two weeks calling his neurologist, well his nurse because guess what? The actual doctor can't spend time talking to a plebe like me on the phone. I iterated my concerns and she said that she'd talk to him and call me back and she did, she said he said it sounded like it was behavioral so we should talk to his ABA therapy people about it. Ohhhh, I wanted to say, I hadn't thought of that! Thanks! But of course we have talked to them, they ignore it and it stops but we can't ignore it. They are having home therapy here so that Anthony can behave here like he does at home but guess what? That is a giant pain for me, to have to try and work with Anthony while also amusing the other children whose every demand must be met immediately or there is so much yelling and screaming and then Anthony knocks them down and um, new plan!
My neck hurts all the time from being violently pulled to the floor. I am so tired and nervous that I am getting a tic. I had to stop drinking because I'm worried I'm drinking to much, for escape, but who wouldn't want to escape this drudgery? I clean like a slave because if I'm not constantly cleaning up food of the floor, the ants completely take over.
This morning, to bring it back to church, we were getting ready for Mass and Anthony pushed Felicity to the floor. She was being a jerk, she was tired because certain other jerkstores were so noisy this morning they woke her up. I don't want to say who but it was Maria and Veronica. Veronica came marching over to my side of the bed and said "Mommy, me and Maria want you to come downstairs". I asked what time it was and she said "7:01". My first thought was crap, now I have to get up with them this Sunday and NEXT Sunday too, for stupid Fathers' Day. Anyways, they were up early and they are noisy and they woke up Felicity and Anthony and that makes them grumpy. So I said to Mike, I'm not going to church with all of them, I'm not doing it! Last week we had to really wrestle Anthony to go to Communion, the week before he took OFF HIS PANTS, I mean, COME ON! I'm not doing it. I said I would go later and I thought, I'm not going. I'm not going, I thought, I don't believe in this bullshit anyway and besides I am sick. Sick in the head! But now it's 4:41, I started writing this this morning and now I am going to Mass.
This week I went to the funeral of a guy who was 37 years old, he left a wife and two boys, who are like five and seven, or six and eight, or something. It was a strange funeral because his wife (a woman who Mike works with) spoke, so eloquently and beautifully I couldn't get over it. She put aside all her sadness and fear and whatever else and spoke so proudly about her husband, it was something else. I don't know how she did it and at first I didn't know why she did it but then as she talked about her husband and how wonderful he was, and how they could go on without him because he was so great, I thought oh. Oh, she did it for her kids and - I mean, that is incredible, right? That is being a great and responsible parent. Then the priest spoke (he did the homily, sometimes people who aren't Catholic thing anyone can say the homily for a eulogy but they can't. Colleen, the wife, spoke right after they all entered and before the Mass started) and he read from a document that Chris, the man who died, wrote about his experience with cancer that he found out he had in February of this year. He talked about how blessed he was and how grateful he was that he had his faith and friends and he wrote about how LUCKY he felt. It was such a gift, to hear his words and realize that in the face of the disease which ultimately took his life, he felt lucky. It was a really powerful experience.
And that was on THURSDAY and then by Sunday, I was all, I'm not going to church! So I have thought about it a lot today and I don't know why I am in this shitty position, but here I am. It's not as bad as some and it's CERTAINLY worse than some but it's my life. I applied for some jobs and I am trying to heal thyself and we will see how it all turns out.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Days
Here's how yesterday went:
I woke up to the sound of Maria, blaring away like a trumpet. I got up and then I looked at the clock and I said to Mike, it's not even 7:00! He said, we get up early, Joanne, we're like lumberjacks. I said I think maybe lumberjacks go to bed earlier than we do. Tuesday night was my first night off since the previous Thursday, and these weekends at this insanely busy restaurant where I'm working are sort of killing me, I sleep like the dead anymore. Anyways, we got up and got Maria ready to go to school, she and Mike left around 7:30 or so.
I got Felicity dressed, Veronica was already in clothes that she had picked out with Mike, so I didn't have to worry about her. I got all of Anthony's bags together, one with food that they had requested at his school, one with his braces and shoes, and one with his extra clothes and iPad. Then I went upstairs and woke him up, I got him dressed with him lying flat on his stomach, which isn't hard as much as tricky, I have to line up his socks backwards and it's a pain.
Then I got his medicine, 1/2 teaspoon in a syringe, and some soda for bribery, and then I chase him around the house and fold up his hands on his body and then lay down on his hands on his body so I can hold his face with one hand and shoot the medicine with the other. He gags, every time, and then he finally just takes it and then I give him the soda and then I cry a little bit, it's so freaking frustrating, I feel like I am making him sick. Anyways, ::brisk clap:: there is NO time for tears, because I have to put them all in the car. Veronica is the only one who can get in her damned car seat herself, so I strap in the other two, find my phone, start the drive to his school.
There is construction on the road to his school, construction which is supposed to last for TWO YEARS, so it takes us forever to get there and we are late. By the time we get home (we stop to pick up pancakes from Old McDonalds), we've been in the car for 1 hour and ten minutes.
I decide that I should rake the leaves in our side yard, the only one I haven't done yet, so I put gloves and hats and boots on the girls, (it was cold but sunny and I thought they could get some fresh air) and start to rake while they play. I only raked for ten minutes before Veronica had removed her boots and gloves and found some kind of a water source to soak herself in, so she was mad because she was, shocking no one, wet and cold. Here's a picture:
Ooh I was mad clean through! But we all went inside and dried off and warmed up. We went to ballet at 12:00, which means 45 minutes of learning arabesques for Veronica and 45 minutes of me chasing Felicity around the center. She goes outside, climbs up to the water fountain, insists on going in the bathroom to wash her hands, on and on, back and forth for 45 minutes. This is the same place where the lady yelled at me and told me to 'watch my child' when Felicity was messing with one of the thousands of piles of papers they have there, so I am always nervous. We went home and I gave them lunch and decided against putting Felicity down for her nap, as she is not feeling it these days, to quote Mike. At 2:45 we went to get Maria and at 3:15 we picked up Maria, the other girls were already asleep. Maria feels like she deserves a treat every damned day of her life so I told her I'd buy her a half-price shake at Steak and Shake. She, of course, fell asleep on the way there so I just looked like a hog, buying several shakes at the drive through, but whatever. We got home and everyone was grumpy and sad and post-nap angry, but I threw them in the house and gave them their damned shakes and took ten minutes to get ready for work.
At 4:00 we left to get Anthony and we hit so, so much traffic again that we were late. We picked him up and the entire way home Felicity yelled and cried, she had just had it with the damned car. ME TOO, I told her, ME TOO.
We all got home and Mike was already there, we unloaded the kids and I went in and cut up a pepper to eat on the way to work, and THEN I got stuck in MORE traffic and I was like fifteen minutes late for work. It was like 2.5 hours in the car yesterday and I think, what the hell? Am I a stay at home mother or a over the road truck driver? I hate it. I hate my stupid schedule, I hate being so tired all the time, I hate that Felicity is two years old and spends so much time in the car. Veronica hates dropping off Anthony at school, she hates going to get him. I told her yesterday, I don't like it either but at least she is in a million dollar car seat, with her MOVIE OF CHOICE on the DVD player. That wasn't an option when I was a girl, I told her. Back on the prairie, where we often died of things like the common cold. Ha, just kidding I didn't say that last part.
Anyways, I worked until 11:00 and then that was the end of my 16 hour day. It's too much, I think, sometimes. I went to confession last week and I - I guess it was two weeks ago by now- told the priest that I struggle so much with patience, patience with my children and my husband, the people to whom I should be the kindest! He was very nice, he always is, he said I should try and take a few moments each day to really just unplug my heart, to just let everything out and feel everything, without judging it or having expectations of what I should be like, as a mother, and a wife. He was very nice but all I could think was I will never get a few moments a day where I can be left alone like that.
I don't know. So often I feel like I am doing it all wrong, like other people seem to be enjoying their lives or at least not miserable curs like I am, are they all lying? Faking? I hope so. Or I hope they are more simple minded, that's what I tell myself sometimes. I am so miserable because I'm so SMART. I don't know. I am putting Felicity in preschool one more day a week and hoping for the best.
I woke up to the sound of Maria, blaring away like a trumpet. I got up and then I looked at the clock and I said to Mike, it's not even 7:00! He said, we get up early, Joanne, we're like lumberjacks. I said I think maybe lumberjacks go to bed earlier than we do. Tuesday night was my first night off since the previous Thursday, and these weekends at this insanely busy restaurant where I'm working are sort of killing me, I sleep like the dead anymore. Anyways, we got up and got Maria ready to go to school, she and Mike left around 7:30 or so.
I got Felicity dressed, Veronica was already in clothes that she had picked out with Mike, so I didn't have to worry about her. I got all of Anthony's bags together, one with food that they had requested at his school, one with his braces and shoes, and one with his extra clothes and iPad. Then I went upstairs and woke him up, I got him dressed with him lying flat on his stomach, which isn't hard as much as tricky, I have to line up his socks backwards and it's a pain.
Then I got his medicine, 1/2 teaspoon in a syringe, and some soda for bribery, and then I chase him around the house and fold up his hands on his body and then lay down on his hands on his body so I can hold his face with one hand and shoot the medicine with the other. He gags, every time, and then he finally just takes it and then I give him the soda and then I cry a little bit, it's so freaking frustrating, I feel like I am making him sick. Anyways, ::brisk clap:: there is NO time for tears, because I have to put them all in the car. Veronica is the only one who can get in her damned car seat herself, so I strap in the other two, find my phone, start the drive to his school.
There is construction on the road to his school, construction which is supposed to last for TWO YEARS, so it takes us forever to get there and we are late. By the time we get home (we stop to pick up pancakes from Old McDonalds), we've been in the car for 1 hour and ten minutes.
I decide that I should rake the leaves in our side yard, the only one I haven't done yet, so I put gloves and hats and boots on the girls, (it was cold but sunny and I thought they could get some fresh air) and start to rake while they play. I only raked for ten minutes before Veronica had removed her boots and gloves and found some kind of a water source to soak herself in, so she was mad because she was, shocking no one, wet and cold. Here's a picture:
At 4:00 we left to get Anthony and we hit so, so much traffic again that we were late. We picked him up and the entire way home Felicity yelled and cried, she had just had it with the damned car. ME TOO, I told her, ME TOO.
We all got home and Mike was already there, we unloaded the kids and I went in and cut up a pepper to eat on the way to work, and THEN I got stuck in MORE traffic and I was like fifteen minutes late for work. It was like 2.5 hours in the car yesterday and I think, what the hell? Am I a stay at home mother or a over the road truck driver? I hate it. I hate my stupid schedule, I hate being so tired all the time, I hate that Felicity is two years old and spends so much time in the car. Veronica hates dropping off Anthony at school, she hates going to get him. I told her yesterday, I don't like it either but at least she is in a million dollar car seat, with her MOVIE OF CHOICE on the DVD player. That wasn't an option when I was a girl, I told her. Back on the prairie, where we often died of things like the common cold. Ha, just kidding I didn't say that last part.
Anyways, I worked until 11:00 and then that was the end of my 16 hour day. It's too much, I think, sometimes. I went to confession last week and I - I guess it was two weeks ago by now- told the priest that I struggle so much with patience, patience with my children and my husband, the people to whom I should be the kindest! He was very nice, he always is, he said I should try and take a few moments each day to really just unplug my heart, to just let everything out and feel everything, without judging it or having expectations of what I should be like, as a mother, and a wife. He was very nice but all I could think was I will never get a few moments a day where I can be left alone like that.
I don't know. So often I feel like I am doing it all wrong, like other people seem to be enjoying their lives or at least not miserable curs like I am, are they all lying? Faking? I hope so. Or I hope they are more simple minded, that's what I tell myself sometimes. I am so miserable because I'm so SMART. I don't know. I am putting Felicity in preschool one more day a week and hoping for the best.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Stupid Blog about SAHMs
So this blogger posted an entry about how his wife was a stay at home mom and she should be REVERED as a GODDESS because she WAS! I mention it here because I think he is a Christian blogger, but I'm not actually sure. Some of my friends who have posted that entry have been Christians, so I am just guessing.
I was listening to the Chicks on the Right, two women who I really, REALLY do not like, but I listen to their station on the way to work because that station also has the traffic report and I always want to hear that as I go to work downtown, during rush hour. Anyway. I don't like them because they seem like jerks and also because one of them wrote a blog post about how she could use the word retard because her son had Asperger's or something. So.
Anyway, they are both WORKING MOMS, the Chicks, and one was saying how she couldn't really get behind this one statement that the blogger made, which was something like no one could be in favor of little children spending LESS time with their moms. The Chick said that she couldn't be a stay at home mom because she would be BAD at it! She wasn't meant to stay home all day with her kids, she just wasn't! She would be BAD at at it!
I've heard this sort of claptrap before, and it bothers me a lot. The stay at home mom debate is tired and old, especially to me, but I am so sick of reading that women work outside the home because they wouldn't be a good stay at home mom. That's like saying - what is it like saying? It's like saying something really stupid, I guess. Because I am not a stay at home mom because I'm good at it. In fact, I'm bad at it. I am so impatient with this damned Felicity I swear I want to just put her in daycare EIGHTY hours a week! All I do is try and clean the house and maintain some semblance of order here and she LITERALLY goes around the house tearing stuff off the walls. I am not kidding! She just tore down this ceramic mask that Anthony made off the WALL. She goes in the toy room and tears the books off the shelves. She is constantly flipping laundry baskets upside down. I am not made for this, who the hell is? You would have to be an idiot and I mean that literally to think that you were made for this.
I am home with my kids not because I am good at it, or because I like cleaning things up just to have them messed up in front of my face. I am home with my kids because I love them more than anyone else, and I think they should be with people who love them the most for the most hours of the day. I don't think it matters to any of them that I am better at being a Network Administrator than I am a stay at home mom. They definitely don't care that I am still paying off my MASTERS DEGREE while I am home with them. All they care about is that I love them the most and I am the one taking care of them. That's why I stay home. Is that clear, everyone else in the world?
The fact that I think this doesn't mean that I think that moms that go to work do it because they DON'T love their kids. I don't think one thing about moms who go to work, it is none of my business what one other person does. But I wish that when everyone wrote about why they are NOT stay at home moms, they would go ahead and NOT write about it. Just you mind your biz, and I'll mind mine, I think, all the time.
People keep asking me if Mike minds if I work so much at night. As if I'm out HOOKERING or something. I don't know what to say to that. We need money, more than we are making right now as attorney and stay at home mom, so I work at night, when I don't have to hire a babysitter, so I can keep all the money I make. I get my paycheck direct deposited and then moments after it's deposited, almost all of it is taken out to pay the girls' tuition. I am sometimes so tired at 4:30, I make a cup of tea and I think, phew, at least the day is almost ... and then I stop myself because if it's Monday or Wednesday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday, I am usually going to go to work for six more hours, ugh. Does Mike mind? I do not know how to answer that question.
I was listening to the Chicks on the Right, two women who I really, REALLY do not like, but I listen to their station on the way to work because that station also has the traffic report and I always want to hear that as I go to work downtown, during rush hour. Anyway. I don't like them because they seem like jerks and also because one of them wrote a blog post about how she could use the word retard because her son had Asperger's or something. So.
Anyway, they are both WORKING MOMS, the Chicks, and one was saying how she couldn't really get behind this one statement that the blogger made, which was something like no one could be in favor of little children spending LESS time with their moms. The Chick said that she couldn't be a stay at home mom because she would be BAD at it! She wasn't meant to stay home all day with her kids, she just wasn't! She would be BAD at at it!
I've heard this sort of claptrap before, and it bothers me a lot. The stay at home mom debate is tired and old, especially to me, but I am so sick of reading that women work outside the home because they wouldn't be a good stay at home mom. That's like saying - what is it like saying? It's like saying something really stupid, I guess. Because I am not a stay at home mom because I'm good at it. In fact, I'm bad at it. I am so impatient with this damned Felicity I swear I want to just put her in daycare EIGHTY hours a week! All I do is try and clean the house and maintain some semblance of order here and she LITERALLY goes around the house tearing stuff off the walls. I am not kidding! She just tore down this ceramic mask that Anthony made off the WALL. She goes in the toy room and tears the books off the shelves. She is constantly flipping laundry baskets upside down. I am not made for this, who the hell is? You would have to be an idiot and I mean that literally to think that you were made for this.
I am home with my kids not because I am good at it, or because I like cleaning things up just to have them messed up in front of my face. I am home with my kids because I love them more than anyone else, and I think they should be with people who love them the most for the most hours of the day. I don't think it matters to any of them that I am better at being a Network Administrator than I am a stay at home mom. They definitely don't care that I am still paying off my MASTERS DEGREE while I am home with them. All they care about is that I love them the most and I am the one taking care of them. That's why I stay home. Is that clear, everyone else in the world?
The fact that I think this doesn't mean that I think that moms that go to work do it because they DON'T love their kids. I don't think one thing about moms who go to work, it is none of my business what one other person does. But I wish that when everyone wrote about why they are NOT stay at home moms, they would go ahead and NOT write about it. Just you mind your biz, and I'll mind mine, I think, all the time.
People keep asking me if Mike minds if I work so much at night. As if I'm out HOOKERING or something. I don't know what to say to that. We need money, more than we are making right now as attorney and stay at home mom, so I work at night, when I don't have to hire a babysitter, so I can keep all the money I make. I get my paycheck direct deposited and then moments after it's deposited, almost all of it is taken out to pay the girls' tuition. I am sometimes so tired at 4:30, I make a cup of tea and I think, phew, at least the day is almost ... and then I stop myself because if it's Monday or Wednesday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday, I am usually going to go to work for six more hours, ugh. Does Mike mind? I do not know how to answer that question.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Thoughts
Deep thoughts. Ha ha not really. I had some thoughts in church on Sunday but Lord knows if I'll be able to remember them.
- The first thing is that I found this website called catholicsexy.blogspot.com. It's very interesting, even if I did get a little pearl-clutchy over some of it. I hope that it's a good reference for NFP, though. Lord, NFP is weird. I mean, NFP isn't weird, I think it's fine. I have a good friend who is an NFP teacher and she is always willing to answer any questions I have. But man - some people who use NFP are weirdos. Ha ha - I mean, some of all people are weirdos, right? But it's just a LOT of talk about other people's sex lives and - well, it's like this - I think if Catholics believe that sex is restorative and pleasurable and unifying and also used in reproduction, if you've decided that you are not able to be pregnant, if you have grave reasons for not getting pregnant or whatever, just because you might not feel like having sex, maybe you should? But people are always complaining, it seems that they just don't FEEL like having sex when they are able to have sex, and I think well get over it! Who is doing what they want to do, all the time? WHO?
- Oh, these other moms at school and church are so, so bitchy. There is one woman whom I met a few years ago, at a moms' social thing at church. This woman came to the playgroup and talked only to her daughter until a friend of hers got there and then she talked only to her friend. I've seen her several times in church since then, all the time really, and she waits for her kids to come out of school feet away from where I wait and she just - she refuses to say hi, or make eye contact or anything. It is a very Mean Girls type vibe and I think, what? Really? We are in church! Or at CATHOLIC school! We have an ice cream social next week and I just know that she is going to be super nice to me if she is forced but by that point, I am going to hate her and then what? Also, I saw on Facebook that she is a good friend of a friend of mine and now I'm afraid he's a Mean Girl too. I have been a stay at home mother for EIGHT YEARS and I have a lot of friends and never in that time have I not said hi to someone or be rude to someone who was on her own, because I was raised right, for the Love of God.
- I really like the Priest at my church, I think he's an excellent speaker. This week he spoke about St. Joan of Arc and how she had a friend come to the place where she was burned at the stake and hold the Crucifix so she could just focus on it as she was being BURNED AT THE STAKE! And I was thinking, wow, that is something, and also I was thinking, I am no martyr and also I was thinking, if I were not Catholic and just wandered in here, I would think, this is the craziest talk I've ever heard.
- I went to a Moms Retreat yesterday. It's called Morning for Moms in our Archdiocese and it's so nice. It cost $35 and you get breakfast and coffee and lunch and Mass and a speaker. This time is was an author of a book, I can't remember and am too lazy to get up look at the title, but I really enjoyed her talk. But here's some bad things that happened, because I can't leave well enough alone.
- One woman that I sat with said that she never really feels like she has to do things with adults, because her four year old is just like another adult. She said I mean, I discuss theology with my two year old, what more could I want? I thought of Felicity, who will be two next month and who said Daddy, no! the other day and I counted it as her first two word phrase, and who drew on the wall yesterday and brought Mike over to point and say "tah dah!" and, um, that is not the same as an adult! The woman said, with no irony, "it's just that my children are extraordinary". Mmmmmkay.
- So we had this nice Mass and afterward the woman who runs it said thanks for coming and also they are thinking of doing a co-op thing with childcare because they can't do it anymore. She said they were only able to get childcare yesterday at the last minute. So she said maybe if you moms want to work childcare one time, you can work and then we will give you a coupon for a free next time. OR, she said, maybe you know someone who would want to babysit for a SMALL stipend (emphasis hers), or else this is going to have to be the last year for Mornings with Moms. I swear I was just *thanking God* for this great program, where we could bring our kids and be sure they were taken care of so we could focus on our own spiritual life, since we spend all the rest of our time taking care of other people, and poof!, down came the hammer from this lady. Hows about you charge more so you can pay someone a living wage? What the heck? It was $35 and there were 20 of us, so maybe charge $40? Or 50? Why do you have to threaten to take away this great opportunity, which happens THREE times a YEAR? I hate everyone.
- What else. I had something to say about music, but I can't remember what. It was not nice, I'm sure. How I hate the music at my church. And most of the people in it. Ha, that is not great, is it? I just don't like the bad music or the mean people. But I think somehow I'm supposed to LIKE the music and LOVE the people, no matter how bad or mean they are, which, ugh, I guess I will work on that.
- I don't have anywhere else to post this, but every time I hear the song Blurred Lines I get mad. There was some article written about how it was 'rapey', which is a word I despise. You know what's rapey? RAPE! Nothing else! I was listening to some song the other day, I forget what, and it was very heavy on the metaphors and the similes and I was thinking Robin Thicke has this song, he says you're a good girl, I know you want it, you're the hottest bitch in this place, you're far from plastic and mostly I think um, that doesn't make sense. Far from plastic? But also, I think, why do we have to call him a rapist or rapey because he wrote a song? You know, I remember years ago when the Andres Serrano exhibit was in New York or whatever and even though he had the Piss Christ, and he was sponsored by the NEA, everyone said he is an ARTIST and he is EXPRESSING HIMSELF and then it's okay, right? So Robin Thicke (who I really want to call Alan Thicke, every time) writes a song - or performs a song, I don't even know if he wrote it or not, where he uses a lot of metaphors and similes and talks the sexy talk to a girl who may or may not be acting like a good girl even though she is a dirty kitty who wants it. I don't know, but I don't know if we have to call him rapey. Also, everyone was down on him for HIS behavior during the MTV thing and I never saw HIM sticking a foam finger in his crotch or chasing after that girl. His suit was bad but otherwise I'm not mad at him. Which is a good thing, because I am mad at EVERYONE else, practically, ha!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Thoughts on Women
This week, I read an article by Andrew Sullivan about how promising the new Pope is. I am guessing when people say that he seems promising, or that he seems great, they mean that they agree with something which with the Pope agrees, but that's just a guess.
I think the new Pope seems wonderful, and a real man of the people, but I liked every Pope of my lifetime. One of the things that Andrew Sullivan talked about was this Pope and women. AS thinks that women should be allowed to be priests, and I guess he thinks that by washing the feet of those women, this Pope is maybe going to allow that? My guess is that he's not, even if AS thinks it's "absurd" that the Pope said that JPII shut down the debate about women being priests. I'm of the understanding that the Pope is God's vicar on earth, so it seems to me like he can do whatever the hell he wants that God wants, but maybe I am a simpleton.
Then, AS says this, he says it seems that what the Pope is saying is this:
Remember that in the Church, the honor accorded to Jesus’ mother is higher than that of any of the apostles, and that women, simply by virtue of being women, are above priests in importance to the Body of Christ.” That’s both a repetition of orthodoxy and yet also a whole-sale re-imagination of it.
And this is where I got kind of mad, because I can't think of a church who more venerates The Blessed Mother than the Catholic church. I get into discussions ALL THE TIME with people who (wrongly) think that Catholics worship saints, including and mostly the Blessed Mother. The usual explanation is that the Church encourages *veneration* of the Blessed Mother, and extreme admiration because she was born without sin, so she could give birth to the Son of God. I admire that! So does every Pope I've heard of, and every priest and Catholic I know. SHEESH! AS says that this is a repetition of orthodoxy and a WHOLE-SALE REIMAGINATION of it. Dummy.
So this morning, I woke up early and I was thinking, as I usually am, I hate my job, I don't want the day to start, I can't get out of bed and do this stupid job again, these girls are going to run me ragged as usual, boo hoo poor me, etc., and I thought hey! Even though I am admired and loved by these people, these kids of mine, they don't treat me well and by well I mean how you would the QUEEN. I have these expectations of how I should be treated and those expectations have to go right out the window with, well, all of them but especially Felicity and Anthony, too. But although it bothers me on a daily basis, it doesn't bother me in the scheme of things, it doesn't hurt my feelings, and it doesn't make me think that my job as their Mother is somehow not worthy. I am their MOTHER. They were formed, knitted, in my WOMB. They were pulled out of me and then I fed them (well, most of them) with my BODY and kept them alive! What position could be higher than that, more deserving of love and respect?
So then I was thinking, why are we so concerned for women that they can't be priests? I was having a discussion with a friend about it one night and she said that she thought Mother Teresa should be able to be a PRIEST!, and I said, what in the world makes you think that Mother Teresa WANTS to be a priest? When she is a SAINT, doing what she does? A SAINT!
I think that we think that there is some sort of GLASS CEILING for women in the Church and that being a nun, maybe being a Mother Superior, is as high as they can go. But maybe, maybe my position is as high as you can go. Maybe my mother's position is as high as you can go. Maybe the lady who cleans some church in Rome is as high as you can go. Who the hell knows? Why do we assume PRIEST is it? To me that is as sexist as anything. We are talking about vocations here, messages from God about what you should do with your life! How does acting like we're talking about making it up from the typing pool to the boardroom help anything?
Anyway. Maybe I am a bad woman for not wanting to be a priest, for not being mad at the Church for not allowing me to go as far as I can go at Roman Catholic, Inc., but I don't think so. Frankly, I get mad a LOT of the time that my vocation appears to be Wife and Mother because it sucks. But it's great. EVENTUALLY. I HOPE.
I think the new Pope seems wonderful, and a real man of the people, but I liked every Pope of my lifetime. One of the things that Andrew Sullivan talked about was this Pope and women. AS thinks that women should be allowed to be priests, and I guess he thinks that by washing the feet of those women, this Pope is maybe going to allow that? My guess is that he's not, even if AS thinks it's "absurd" that the Pope said that JPII shut down the debate about women being priests. I'm of the understanding that the Pope is God's vicar on earth, so it seems to me like he can do whatever the hell he wants that God wants, but maybe I am a simpleton.
Then, AS says this, he says it seems that what the Pope is saying is this:
Remember that in the Church, the honor accorded to Jesus’ mother is higher than that of any of the apostles, and that women, simply by virtue of being women, are above priests in importance to the Body of Christ.” That’s both a repetition of orthodoxy and yet also a whole-sale re-imagination of it.
And this is where I got kind of mad, because I can't think of a church who more venerates The Blessed Mother than the Catholic church. I get into discussions ALL THE TIME with people who (wrongly) think that Catholics worship saints, including and mostly the Blessed Mother. The usual explanation is that the Church encourages *veneration* of the Blessed Mother, and extreme admiration because she was born without sin, so she could give birth to the Son of God. I admire that! So does every Pope I've heard of, and every priest and Catholic I know. SHEESH! AS says that this is a repetition of orthodoxy and a WHOLE-SALE REIMAGINATION of it. Dummy.
So this morning, I woke up early and I was thinking, as I usually am, I hate my job, I don't want the day to start, I can't get out of bed and do this stupid job again, these girls are going to run me ragged as usual, boo hoo poor me, etc., and I thought hey! Even though I am admired and loved by these people, these kids of mine, they don't treat me well and by well I mean how you would the QUEEN. I have these expectations of how I should be treated and those expectations have to go right out the window with, well, all of them but especially Felicity and Anthony, too. But although it bothers me on a daily basis, it doesn't bother me in the scheme of things, it doesn't hurt my feelings, and it doesn't make me think that my job as their Mother is somehow not worthy. I am their MOTHER. They were formed, knitted, in my WOMB. They were pulled out of me and then I fed them (well, most of them) with my BODY and kept them alive! What position could be higher than that, more deserving of love and respect?
So then I was thinking, why are we so concerned for women that they can't be priests? I was having a discussion with a friend about it one night and she said that she thought Mother Teresa should be able to be a PRIEST!, and I said, what in the world makes you think that Mother Teresa WANTS to be a priest? When she is a SAINT, doing what she does? A SAINT!
I think that we think that there is some sort of GLASS CEILING for women in the Church and that being a nun, maybe being a Mother Superior, is as high as they can go. But maybe, maybe my position is as high as you can go. Maybe my mother's position is as high as you can go. Maybe the lady who cleans some church in Rome is as high as you can go. Who the hell knows? Why do we assume PRIEST is it? To me that is as sexist as anything. We are talking about vocations here, messages from God about what you should do with your life! How does acting like we're talking about making it up from the typing pool to the boardroom help anything?
Anyway. Maybe I am a bad woman for not wanting to be a priest, for not being mad at the Church for not allowing me to go as far as I can go at Roman Catholic, Inc., but I don't think so. Frankly, I get mad a LOT of the time that my vocation appears to be Wife and Mother because it sucks. But it's great. EVENTUALLY. I HOPE.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Getting to Know You, Part 2
Did I say we are Engaged Couple Sponsors for our church now? It's going well, we had to go to a training session and then we got our first couple. I was nervous but it's really a nice thing, you get the answers to the couples' evaluation (never test! Although it's really a test, ha!) and go over the challenges in the answers. We have worked with one couple who are getting married this fall and we are going to work with another couple this week, who are getting married in June. I don't necessarily feel like we have so much to say about how to be a good married couple, but we do have experience being married now and I feel like our training was good - it's really just common sense stuff. Anyways, it's all we can do, volunteer wise, right now and I feel like it's helpful so that's good. This weekend in church they spoke about how it's important to have a mission and while I don't know that I necessarily have a MISSION, I do have some idea about wanting to give back to the Church, etc., and I'm happy we can do something. Ha, even if it's a lesson in What Not to Do.
Here's the second part of the Getting to Know You thing.
Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
Well I guess I'd say everything, because that's really how I try to look at my life but especially Anthony's being autistic. I was really scared of Autism, scared of it all, but he is my firstborn child and my only son and it's my duty and privilege to take care of him.
What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to?
I loved my wedding. I met Mike at a retirement party for these two friends of mine who were retiring from coaching a basketball program. I'm going to say that was the BEST party I've ever attended. It was postponed twice because of bad weather and then finally they had it and I met Mike again moments after I went in, we stayed the latest of anyone.
What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?
Everything makes me cry. I cried at Downton Abbey last night but not when the Big Thing happened. I cried when the mom was thinking of Sybil, the thought of losing a child is very upsetting to me.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
I don't know. It was hard to go through the experience of getting Anthony diagnosed, it continues to be hard, to constantly review our actions and hope we are doing enough.
What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?
Here's the second part of the Getting to Know You thing.
Getting to Know Me Post 2
Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
Well I guess I'd say everything, because that's really how I try to look at my life but especially Anthony's being autistic. I was really scared of Autism, scared of it all, but he is my firstborn child and my only son and it's my duty and privilege to take care of him.
What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to?
I loved my wedding. I met Mike at a retirement party for these two friends of mine who were retiring from coaching a basketball program. I'm going to say that was the BEST party I've ever attended. It was postponed twice because of bad weather and then finally they had it and I met Mike again moments after I went in, we stayed the latest of anyone.
What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?
Everything makes me cry. I cried at Downton Abbey last night but not when the Big Thing happened. I cried when the mom was thinking of Sybil, the thought of losing a child is very upsetting to me.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
I don't know. It was hard to go through the experience of getting Anthony diagnosed, it continues to be hard, to constantly review our actions and hope we are doing enough.
What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?
I would like to think that I get stronger every time a person comes out of me, ha! I don't know if I do or not.
What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
My mother caught me smoking one time, at school. One time we were out super late and we said our car got towed from the Diner but my mom called to complain and they said they had never had a car towed from there in their thirty year history, ha! Busted! I used to get grades that were unacceptable and I'd spend a lot of time grounded.
What do you miss most about being a kid?
What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
My mother caught me smoking one time, at school. One time we were out super late and we said our car got towed from the Diner but my mom called to complain and they said they had never had a car towed from there in their thirty year history, ha! Busted! I used to get grades that were unacceptable and I'd spend a lot of time grounded.
What do you miss most about being a kid?
I miss naps and allowance.
What is your first memory of being really excited?
What is your first memory of being really excited?
I don't know. I used to really love my life, I loved going to school and seeing friends. I loved this Gym Show we used to have in grade school. I loved everything. I used to be excited every damned time my eyes opened in the morning.
What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
I'll tell you what I remember buying with my own money. My Aunt Joan always gives me $3 for my birthday and when I was in second or third grade she gave it to me in quarters, taped in my card. I brought the quarters in to school and I bought ice cream (which was a dime, I think) for everyone in my class. Then poof! the money was gone and I was super sad but extremely well loved in my class.
When was the last time you were nervous?
I am pretty nervous! I was truly nervous on Saturday night at work, first we were super busy and then this customer had kind of a breakdown. We know her well, she is a regular, and she was having some kind of a manic episode and I was nervous for her. She's fine.
What is something you learned in the last week?
The last week. I learned that I know nothing about people and that they are a constant surprise to me. I saw a friend of mine on Sunday and she told me that her husband and she are separated, his decision, they have two little kids who are Anthony and Maria's ages and I just - I am shocked. I don't understand people and I never will.
What story does your family always tell about you?
What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
I'll tell you what I remember buying with my own money. My Aunt Joan always gives me $3 for my birthday and when I was in second or third grade she gave it to me in quarters, taped in my card. I brought the quarters in to school and I bought ice cream (which was a dime, I think) for everyone in my class. Then poof! the money was gone and I was super sad but extremely well loved in my class.
When was the last time you were nervous?
I am pretty nervous! I was truly nervous on Saturday night at work, first we were super busy and then this customer had kind of a breakdown. We know her well, she is a regular, and she was having some kind of a manic episode and I was nervous for her. She's fine.
What is something you learned in the last week?
The last week. I learned that I know nothing about people and that they are a constant surprise to me. I saw a friend of mine on Sunday and she told me that her husband and she are separated, his decision, they have two little kids who are Anthony and Maria's ages and I just - I am shocked. I don't understand people and I never will.
What story does your family always tell about you?
I don't know. I fell out of the car when I was around three or four. Three, I guess. We were at my grandfather's house while my parents went bowling. They used to bowl on Sundays. It was cold out and I guess the door handle froze? Or something? We went around this super hard turn and I fell out of the car. I don't remember much but I do remember that they KEPT DRIVING until my sister Laura said 'Joanne's not in the car anymore!'. I remember I was mad at my dad when we were at the hospital to get checked out (I was fine) and I remember I was wearing this cute outfit with kitty cats on the pants and then it had one kitty cat on the shirt. Our Don't Break the Ice game went out with me and my mom always talks about hearing the tink tink tink of those ice cubes.
At what age did you become an adult?
I don't know, really. I guess I am an adult because I have all these kids? I know that when I go to parent/teacher conferences at the girls' preschool, i am looking around for my mom or dad, ha!
At what age did you become an adult?
I don't know, really. I guess I am an adult because I have all these kids? I know that when I go to parent/teacher conferences at the girls' preschool, i am looking around for my mom or dad, ha!
Getting to Know You
I stole this from my internet friend, I would like to blog more here and I keep forgetting. I want to say things about the Pope leaving and about how I have so many friends and acquaintances who think that, like, Hillary Clinton or someone should be the Pope, it's driving me insane. I have completely faith that those Cardinals will get together and pray and let it come to them who should be the Pope. I'm glad JPII was the Pope and I'm glad Benedict was the Pope and I'm glad Leo, Doctor and Saint, or whoever was Pope was Pope. I'm not worried about it! I don't think that we should get a pope who is more modern, or super young, or hip and with it, or anything. I think we should have the pope be someone who God wants as His vicar on Earth. Maybe I'm a simpleton, but I have a hard enough time with faith, I can't get all pushed up about who is going to be pope. Sheesh.
So anyways, since I am IMPOSSIBLE about the pope situation and other current events, I thought I'd just steal a meme and go from there.
I used to love cheese sandwiches, also tomato sandwiches and by sandwich I mean either cheese or tomato with mayo on white bread. MMMMMM. I don't really want a cheese sandwich now but I could TOTALLY have a tomato sandwich. I miss white bread, Lord I loved it as a child and we had only white bread and white bread from which to choose. We also had bread every single night at dinner. EVERY NIGHT.
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
I listen to this Avett Brothers song that I got for free from Starbucks but I can't remember the name of it. I am terrible with new music, on account of I am usually listening to the kids' crap in the car or sometimes I listen to comedians on Pandora to cheer myself.
What is one of your favorite quotes?
My favorite quote is from Judge Judy and it's "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining".
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
My favorite indoor activity is reading, whether it's books or the internet. But I also really enjoy several shows on tv and since we have Netflix streaming through our Blu Ray, I try and catch a movie here and there.
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
The laundry around here is pretty daunting but I do sort of hate all of them, because it never stops. Sometimes as I am folding clothes, Felicity is tearing them out of the basket and throwing them on the floor. I hate sweeping the floor because it is so gross to look at the amount of stuff that's been on there!
What is your favorite form of exercise?
I used to love going to boxing classes at my gym in NYC. Now I like this KenPo workout from P90X and I like Turbo Jam. I like anything that makes me work hard and goes fast.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
My favorite time of day. I think it's probably evenings after the kids have gone to bed and we are sitting together watching tv. My favorite day of the week is probably Friday, after all this time where Friday doesn't really mean anything to us. My favorite month of the year is probably March - it's my birthday month, we are busy at work because of NCAA basketball and St. Patrick's Day, and it's finally getting warmer, usually.
What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
Flying.
What is your favorite body part?
I have long nail beds and all my manicurists comment on them.
What sound do you love?
I'll tell you what sound I love and that is the sound of silence. I never hear it, though, EVER.
I guess this is kind of an abrupt ending. I'll have to go look at the stolen meme and get the Part 2, but not right now. Right now I am taking advantage of the fact that it's President's Day and Mike is home and I'm going to do a (hopefully) simple computer consulting job.
So anyways, since I am IMPOSSIBLE about the pope situation and other current events, I thought I'd just steal a meme and go from there.
I used to love cheese sandwiches, also tomato sandwiches and by sandwich I mean either cheese or tomato with mayo on white bread. MMMMMM. I don't really want a cheese sandwich now but I could TOTALLY have a tomato sandwich. I miss white bread, Lord I loved it as a child and we had only white bread and white bread from which to choose. We also had bread every single night at dinner. EVERY NIGHT.
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
I listen to this Avett Brothers song that I got for free from Starbucks but I can't remember the name of it. I am terrible with new music, on account of I am usually listening to the kids' crap in the car or sometimes I listen to comedians on Pandora to cheer myself.
What is one of your favorite quotes?
My favorite quote is from Judge Judy and it's "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining".
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
My favorite indoor activity is reading, whether it's books or the internet. But I also really enjoy several shows on tv and since we have Netflix streaming through our Blu Ray, I try and catch a movie here and there.
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
The laundry around here is pretty daunting but I do sort of hate all of them, because it never stops. Sometimes as I am folding clothes, Felicity is tearing them out of the basket and throwing them on the floor. I hate sweeping the floor because it is so gross to look at the amount of stuff that's been on there!
What is your favorite form of exercise?
I used to love going to boxing classes at my gym in NYC. Now I like this KenPo workout from P90X and I like Turbo Jam. I like anything that makes me work hard and goes fast.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
My favorite time of day. I think it's probably evenings after the kids have gone to bed and we are sitting together watching tv. My favorite day of the week is probably Friday, after all this time where Friday doesn't really mean anything to us. My favorite month of the year is probably March - it's my birthday month, we are busy at work because of NCAA basketball and St. Patrick's Day, and it's finally getting warmer, usually.
What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
Flying.
What is your favorite body part?
I have long nail beds and all my manicurists comment on them.
What sound do you love?
I'll tell you what sound I love and that is the sound of silence. I never hear it, though, EVER.
I guess this is kind of an abrupt ending. I'll have to go look at the stolen meme and get the Part 2, but not right now. Right now I am taking advantage of the fact that it's President's Day and Mike is home and I'm going to do a (hopefully) simple computer consulting job.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Annulment
I follow this blogger on Twitter and, well not to be too kissy assy but I really, really like this blogger, and anyways she was talking on Twitter about how she had recently had her first marriage annulled by the Catholic Church because her ex-husband requested it and got it. He is marrying a Catholic girl and of course, he can't have been married before if he wants to get married in the Church.
I will always, always come down on the side of the Church when I can. I try and really find out about what the Catechism says about things so that I can make sense of them. Like, I used to not understand about why Catholics shouldn't use artificial birth control, it made NO sense to me, but it does now. I have done a lot of reading about it and, not to be lame, praying on it and I get it now. But I do not get this.
Why would the Catholic church annul a marriage that took place outside of the church? I recognize that a marriage is a marriage is a marriage to the Church, but I thought it was hard to get a marriage annulled. I thought there were specific reasons, like (and this might not be all of them but just off the top of my head) say, the person you married was crazy and didn't say that. Or say they claimed they wanted kids and then didn't. Or, abandonment is a big one.
I remember when my Uncle got married it was very important to him that his fiancee get her first marriage annulled because he wanted to get married in the Church. This was like 30 years ago and we were all on tenterhooks, would she get the annulment or not? But she did and they got married and all was well. But she had a daughter, my cousin, and I remember my sister and I saying, what happens to her? Where does a child fit in an annulment situation? The Catechism says that of course it doesn't make a child illegitimate but I wonder what does it mean, then?
I can see that if you get married in the Catholic church that the church should be responsible for that sacrament. I can see that if I got married to Mike and he said Ha ha! I didn't mean any of that RCIA stuff and I am never going to have a child and also I am a raging alcoholic and I beat my last wife to death, I could say, um, I can't be married to him anymore. BUT Mike and I went through pre-marriage counseling and we were encouraged to talk about everything. The church was responsible for it, they seemed to take it seriously and I did, too. So I can see how they would have jurisdiction over my marriage. But I don't see how they'd have jurisdiction over some marriage that took place outside of the Church. It doesn't make any sense.
I do wonder a few things - like, if you're not Catholic and your ex gets your marriage annulled in the Church, why does it matter? But there was some sort of court involved, could it be an actual court? Also, I was wondering about Joe Kennedy's divorce and annulment. I remember that he wanted it but his wife was against it, (she was Episcopalian but maybe their kids were Catholic? As Catholic as any Kennedy is, I guess?) and I just googled it and I had forgotten she wrote a whole BOOK about it but anyways, the Vatican has reversed his annulment. I didn't know that, nor did I know that he got married civilly, which, what the hell? Why did he care, then?
Anyways. I could see if we lived in Ireland before whenever they changed their No Divorce rule, or in some Catholically run country but the Church doesn't run the United States? Who cares what they think with regard to a marriage that didn't take place in their Church? I mean, I care, but I recognize that others do not, that other people aren't Catholic. I feel that way about birth control too. I mean, I get impatient with Catholics who purposely work against the rules of the church, and still consider themselves to be 'good Catholics' but if someone isn't Catholic? Why would I care about whether or not they use birth control? Sheesh.
Anyway. If anyone knows why the Church is involved in annulling marriages which they had no part of, let me know.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Vocation
Tonight I was feeding the baby and watching a documentary about this nun who used to be an actress. I read about it last year, it might have been nominated for an Oscar. Anyway. I was watching it and I had an epiphany. The former actress, who is now the mother superior, was talking about how hard it was when she was first a novice. Then another woman, a nun, talked about how hard it was for her, and yet another novice was shown crying to the mother about how miserable she was.
I think I've always thought of nuns and priests as having callings to the religious life and just being sure of their choice. I figured they had a calling from God and that fueled them to be happy and leave their former lives behind. But today I was thinking, I have a calling, too. I am called to the married life and to be the mother of these four kids and just because I have a calling doesn't mean I'm not going to have doubts or be sad sometimes. It is very freeing to believe that. And even if I'm wrong, who cares? It's the first time in years that I've had the feeling that maybe someday I'll be happier and more content. Maybe at some point in the near future I'll feel confident I made the right choice. Because you should have seen those nuns now, they seemed right where they should be. Well, not the novice. She was still a mess, like I am, but she was new, I figured. She won't feel that way forever! And I won't either. Probably.
I think I've always thought of nuns and priests as having callings to the religious life and just being sure of their choice. I figured they had a calling from God and that fueled them to be happy and leave their former lives behind. But today I was thinking, I have a calling, too. I am called to the married life and to be the mother of these four kids and just because I have a calling doesn't mean I'm not going to have doubts or be sad sometimes. It is very freeing to believe that. And even if I'm wrong, who cares? It's the first time in years that I've had the feeling that maybe someday I'll be happier and more content. Maybe at some point in the near future I'll feel confident I made the right choice. Because you should have seen those nuns now, they seemed right where they should be. Well, not the novice. She was still a mess, like I am, but she was new, I figured. She won't feel that way forever! And I won't either. Probably.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Our Song
I am linking up to this on this blog because it's from a Catholic writer I read. 
Our wedding song is You Send Me, but I also think of Here, There and Everywhere and especially God Only Knows as our songs. Neither of the last two are good dance songs though, and You Send Me is a nice rhumba, so that's what we chose for our wedding. I always thought my wedding song would be True Love Ways by Buddy Holly but I guess Mike didn't think of it as our song. He did play it when he asked me to marry him, which I remember thinking was just adorable and perfect. He told me he liked Here There and Everywhere but it seemed to focus too much on the girl in the situation, so I nixed it for our wedding song. I remember, though, that I told my mom that that was the song he liked and she listened to it and said that if that was how he felt about me, I should definitely marry him.
God Only Knows is the best song, even if the first lyric is 'I may not always love you'. It's so beautiful and the thrust of it is something that really speaks to me with regard to marriage, especially now that we have all these kids. I really, really feel that way - God only knows what I'd be without Mike. Now that we're together, I don't feel like I'd be me anymore, without him.
You Send Me is a perfect wedding song, in my opinion. It's a good dance song, it's beautifully sung, and the lyrics are perfect. I'll tell you what my first choice was and that's You Sexy Thing. I couldn't imagine dancing to it at my wedding reception but I love it. 'I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you?'. I loved it and I could totally relate to the lyrics. It did seem like a miracle that Mike and I found each other. I did need him! I still do.
Anyway, back to You Send Me. Here are the pertinent lyrics: at first I thought it was infatuation, but ooh it's lasted so long. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home'. You send me, you thrill me, honest you do. As time goes by, Mike still sends me, still thrills me, but in such a different way. Honest, he does, honest he does, honest he does.
Here's a picture of us dancing, and a note about it. We took lessons at an Arthur Murray type place before we got married and I always recommend it to couples who ask. It didn't cost too much money, and it was such a nice thing for us to do once a week in the time working up to our wedding. It was also nice to know exactly what was going to happen with at least ONE thing that day. Also, I'll never forget this - we started dancing and the crowd went wild! It was so funny, it never occurred to me that it looked good, just that it felt really good. Anyways, it was wonderful and we danced a lot that season, we went to our wedding and my friend Chrissy's wedding and it was nice to know what we were doing. Here's a picture from our wedding, actually we were practicing before our wedding in the basement of the church.
Our wedding song is You Send Me, but I also think of Here, There and Everywhere and especially God Only Knows as our songs. Neither of the last two are good dance songs though, and You Send Me is a nice rhumba, so that's what we chose for our wedding. I always thought my wedding song would be True Love Ways by Buddy Holly but I guess Mike didn't think of it as our song. He did play it when he asked me to marry him, which I remember thinking was just adorable and perfect. He told me he liked Here There and Everywhere but it seemed to focus too much on the girl in the situation, so I nixed it for our wedding song. I remember, though, that I told my mom that that was the song he liked and she listened to it and said that if that was how he felt about me, I should definitely marry him.
God Only Knows is the best song, even if the first lyric is 'I may not always love you'. It's so beautiful and the thrust of it is something that really speaks to me with regard to marriage, especially now that we have all these kids. I really, really feel that way - God only knows what I'd be without Mike. Now that we're together, I don't feel like I'd be me anymore, without him.
You Send Me is a perfect wedding song, in my opinion. It's a good dance song, it's beautifully sung, and the lyrics are perfect. I'll tell you what my first choice was and that's You Sexy Thing. I couldn't imagine dancing to it at my wedding reception but I love it. 'I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you?'. I loved it and I could totally relate to the lyrics. It did seem like a miracle that Mike and I found each other. I did need him! I still do.
Anyway, back to You Send Me. Here are the pertinent lyrics: at first I thought it was infatuation, but ooh it's lasted so long. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home'. You send me, you thrill me, honest you do. As time goes by, Mike still sends me, still thrills me, but in such a different way. Honest, he does, honest he does, honest he does.
Here's a picture of us dancing, and a note about it. We took lessons at an Arthur Murray type place before we got married and I always recommend it to couples who ask. It didn't cost too much money, and it was such a nice thing for us to do once a week in the time working up to our wedding. It was also nice to know exactly what was going to happen with at least ONE thing that day. Also, I'll never forget this - we started dancing and the crowd went wild! It was so funny, it never occurred to me that it looked good, just that it felt really good. Anyways, it was wonderful and we danced a lot that season, we went to our wedding and my friend Chrissy's wedding and it was nice to know what we were doing. Here's a picture from our wedding, actually we were practicing before our wedding in the basement of the church.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Rules
Ugh, I know I am posting a lot but I'm so frustrated. Yesterday, two friends of mine posted an article (I am too lazy to find it) about a woman who was denied communion at her mother's funeral. It said that the priest said he couldn't give her communion because she lived with another woman. If a priest had knowledge of that, I suppose he couldn't give her communion, that's a fact. It seems KIND of weird that he would know that she was living with this woman, but whatever, if he did, the thing to do would be to not give her communion, although I guess he could have handled it better, i.e. talked to her before Mass. It then said that he walked out while she was giving the eulogy, and that he fell ill (or pretended to) so that he didn't go to the graveyard. The woman said she was a life long Catholic AND that she didn't think her sexual orientation would have anything to do with receiving Communion.
So. The communion thing is clear, I guess. My question is, why was she going to communion if she was aware of being NOT in a state of grace? I bet I know the answer, I bet she was not a church goer and was not a confession goer and had no intention of changing her life, which is all fine. It is hard to live your life according to the rule of the Catholic church, I agree! We are all sinners, the way I figure it. What I don't understand is WHY are you marching up for communion if you know all these things? If you were, to use a phrase I despise, "raised Catholic?". If you don't go to church anymore, if you don't believe in it, then don't TAKE COMMUNION! Sheesh! And I have no idea how someone could be raised in the church, be a life long Catholic, and not be clear on the homosexuality thing. Really? REALLY?
As far as the eulogy goes - no one except the priest is supposed to give the homily. This is also a fact. People want to have a more personal reflection of the person who died, at a funeral, which is COMPLETELY understandable, but if you want to do that, I think you should either talk after the Mass, or do something at the funeral home. Or better yet, at the wake after the funeral. I think a lot of people forget that a funeral Mass is a Mass and has rules, just like every other frickety fracken Mass that they have.
A friend of mine was saying that the priest was giving her trouble about playing a spiritual at her mother's funeral. It was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, and a favorite of her mom's. They did play it, as a recessional, which makes perfect sense to me, both because of the lyrics of the song (coming for to carry me home) and because it was outside of the Mass. Personally, I think a priest presiding over a funeral mass for a mom who died very young should try to err on the side of the KINDLY but people are imperfect, I guess.
I think a lot of people don't know about the rules of the Mass, or about having to have sacred music for a Mass, because a lot of churches have gotten very lax about it and it's confusing. But just because people don't know about it, or because they are constantly showing movies where they are playing the wedding march at a Catholic church, doesn't mean it's not true. I feel like such a jerk, but I also feel I have to defend the church. Because I am insane.
So. The communion thing is clear, I guess. My question is, why was she going to communion if she was aware of being NOT in a state of grace? I bet I know the answer, I bet she was not a church goer and was not a confession goer and had no intention of changing her life, which is all fine. It is hard to live your life according to the rule of the Catholic church, I agree! We are all sinners, the way I figure it. What I don't understand is WHY are you marching up for communion if you know all these things? If you were, to use a phrase I despise, "raised Catholic?". If you don't go to church anymore, if you don't believe in it, then don't TAKE COMMUNION! Sheesh! And I have no idea how someone could be raised in the church, be a life long Catholic, and not be clear on the homosexuality thing. Really? REALLY?
As far as the eulogy goes - no one except the priest is supposed to give the homily. This is also a fact. People want to have a more personal reflection of the person who died, at a funeral, which is COMPLETELY understandable, but if you want to do that, I think you should either talk after the Mass, or do something at the funeral home. Or better yet, at the wake after the funeral. I think a lot of people forget that a funeral Mass is a Mass and has rules, just like every other frickety fracken Mass that they have.
A friend of mine was saying that the priest was giving her trouble about playing a spiritual at her mother's funeral. It was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, and a favorite of her mom's. They did play it, as a recessional, which makes perfect sense to me, both because of the lyrics of the song (coming for to carry me home) and because it was outside of the Mass. Personally, I think a priest presiding over a funeral mass for a mom who died very young should try to err on the side of the KINDLY but people are imperfect, I guess.
I think a lot of people don't know about the rules of the Mass, or about having to have sacred music for a Mass, because a lot of churches have gotten very lax about it and it's confusing. But just because people don't know about it, or because they are constantly showing movies where they are playing the wedding march at a Catholic church, doesn't mean it's not true. I feel like such a jerk, but I also feel I have to defend the church. Because I am insane.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Kids
Yesterday we all went to Mass together, as we've been doing for around four weeks in a row. Veronica was hateful, horrible BAD! during Mass so finally Mike took her out to the car. She fell asleep so hard when we got home, I assume she didn't feel good or was super tired or something and that's why she was so bad. Anyways, I took a picture of her and put it on Facebook and said basically that. A friend of mine posted a comment that said "I will never understand why you CATHOLICS TORTURE YOURSELVES AND YOUR CHILDREN by expecting them to sit still for an HOUR! That's what you GET!". I was all, what in the who now? First of all, this girl is a Christian Scientist, which is a much maligned church and second of all, an hour's not really SUPER long. I take the girls to a frickety fracken story hour at the library and they sit there for most of that. Also, we don't expect her to sit exactly still or we whack her hands with a ruler or anything. She brings a book, we will gladly take her to the foyer, she just can't run up the damned aisle or SLAP at her father's FACE! GOD! What is wrong with people?
But it made me think, typically Catholics don't have Cry Rooms or whatever. We were always expected to just behave in church. If we didn't, and sometimes we didn't, we got spanked after church. I don't care so much, it wasn't TRAUMATIZING or anything but Mike and I don't want to do it so we have to discipline in other ways. So I was thinking why do we torture ourselves? Why do we take them all? I work on Saturdays so we have to go on Sunday and we would rather be together than alone at home with them all. It's good for Anthony to practice sitting and being quiet (and not smacking the head of the guy in front of him, which he did this week). I think God is right there in that church and I like to bring my family there. So that way when I pray for them, I can be all, "These people! Right here! THESE are the ones that I am praying for!".
I have to run, Felicity is crying, but I wanted to get that thought down before it flitted out of my ears.
But it made me think, typically Catholics don't have Cry Rooms or whatever. We were always expected to just behave in church. If we didn't, and sometimes we didn't, we got spanked after church. I don't care so much, it wasn't TRAUMATIZING or anything but Mike and I don't want to do it so we have to discipline in other ways. So I was thinking why do we torture ourselves? Why do we take them all? I work on Saturdays so we have to go on Sunday and we would rather be together than alone at home with them all. It's good for Anthony to practice sitting and being quiet (and not smacking the head of the guy in front of him, which he did this week). I think God is right there in that church and I like to bring my family there. So that way when I pray for them, I can be all, "These people! Right here! THESE are the ones that I am praying for!".
I have to run, Felicity is crying, but I wanted to get that thought down before it flitted out of my ears.
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