Falling Apart

I am falling apart.  I haven't slept six hours in a row in I don't know how long.  I look at pictures of myself and I think holy crap! Do I really have giant bags under my eyes like that?  Do people who I am serving in the restaurant see that?  Do they feel sorry for me?  I would, I'd also be worried.  All I want to do is sleep and be normal.  I just can't imagine it, I can't go to bed early enough to get any normal amount of sleep.  I can't believe I have dealing with this bullshit for TEN years.

I broke my wrist in March, I have what was regular carpal tunnel which has turned into nightmare carpal tunnel, so I have to wear braces on both hands every night just so I can wake up and not have them be burning with pain.  They are always burning, but it's so much worse if I don't wear my braces.  Like six weeks ago, or so, my knee went out one night at work and I guess it's because I have arthritis?  Normal degeneration of a knee cap for someone my age?  And weight?  No one has said the weight part but that's just math and science, right?  More weight on a degenerating kneecap is worse right?, worse than less weight?  Too bad I can't work out, I cant even go walking, so I am as fat as ever.

Felicity comes in and wakes us up like three or four nights out of seven.  She'll come in anywhere from 1:00 to 5:00, we prefer earlier because then there's a chance we'll get back to sleep.  Although it's not *always* better, sometimes she is up from 1:00-3:00 or 4:00.  Mike is sleeping with a CPAP so I want to leave him alone but some nights I give up because I'm afraid I'm going to throw her out the window and jump out right behind her.

I have cut back my hours at the restaurant again, just one night a week for now and two starting in October.  We got a letter of denial of coverage from Anthony's insurance company, they just started covering him in March!  FOUR MONTHS! I am hopeful that we know more now and we will be able to prove that it is medically necessary for him to have the ABA therapy that has been prescribed by a doctor.  Also we are suing A*nthem, maybe, so maybe that will help.  Maybe if we successfully sue his previous insurance company, his present one will BE COOL, like killing a guy right when you get to mail.

Mike is falling apart too, his back is thrown.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to be so old and be dealing with these little kids.  I never thought it would be this hard and I don't think I can do it.  I think, well, be brave!  Surely you have been through worse, but the fact is, I haven't.  So maybe I can do it but I have no proof.

I finished my one year novena, the prayers of St. Brigid.  So far, no miracles, but maybe it's a miracle that I've gotten this far?