I am falling apart. I haven't slept six hours in a row in I don't know how long. I look at pictures of myself and I think holy crap! Do I really have giant bags under my eyes like that? Do people who I am serving in the restaurant see that? Do they feel sorry for me? I would, I'd also be worried. All I want to do is sleep and be normal. I just can't imagine it, I can't go to bed early enough to get any normal amount of sleep. I can't believe I have dealing with this bullshit for TEN years.
I broke my wrist in March, I have what was regular carpal tunnel which has turned into nightmare carpal tunnel, so I have to wear braces on both hands every night just so I can wake up and not have them be burning with pain. They are always burning, but it's so much worse if I don't wear my braces. Like six weeks ago, or so, my knee went out one night at work and I guess it's because I have arthritis? Normal degeneration of a knee cap for someone my age? And weight? No one has said the weight part but that's just math and science, right? More weight on a degenerating kneecap is worse right?, worse than less weight? Too bad I can't work out, I cant even go walking, so I am as fat as ever.
Felicity comes in and wakes us up like three or four nights out of seven. She'll come in anywhere from 1:00 to 5:00, we prefer earlier because then there's a chance we'll get back to sleep. Although it's not *always* better, sometimes she is up from 1:00-3:00 or 4:00. Mike is sleeping with a CPAP so I want to leave him alone but some nights I give up because I'm afraid I'm going to throw her out the window and jump out right behind her.
I have cut back my hours at the restaurant again, just one night a week for now and two starting in October. We got a letter of denial of coverage from Anthony's insurance company, they just started covering him in March! FOUR MONTHS! I am hopeful that we know more now and we will be able to prove that it is medically necessary for him to have the ABA therapy that has been prescribed by a doctor. Also we are suing A*nthem, maybe, so maybe that will help. Maybe if we successfully sue his previous insurance company, his present one will BE COOL, like killing a guy right when you get to mail.
Mike is falling apart too, his back is thrown. It's so hard. It's so hard to be so old and be dealing with these little kids. I never thought it would be this hard and I don't think I can do it. I think, well, be brave! Surely you have been through worse, but the fact is, I haven't. So maybe I can do it but I have no proof.
I finished my one year novena, the prayers of St. Brigid. So far, no miracles, but maybe it's a miracle that I've gotten this far?
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
The Week
The week goes like this: On Monday, Mike works from home which makes everything easier, just because there is another adult in the house. If I want to go for a walk or to the bank or whatever, I just can. Today, Maria and Veronica are going to VBS at their school (and our church) so I'm dropping them off and it will just be Felicity until like 12, then we are supposed to meet friends and play this afternoon. Tonight we have no scheduled plans so we will just have dinner and hang out.
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Lent
Every Lent I go through this - well probably every almost spring, and it just coincides with Lent. I feel so grumpy and sad and depressed and I think what the heck? Why is it making me feel so bad to do all this extra praying and fasting? I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I had any feeling like it would get better after Easter, in fact it would make me feel very holy and great if I thought I was working toward something.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
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