Faith and Illness

So I guess I have been thinking about how I reconcile the fact that Anthony has autism with my Faith. I read this one blogger, who I like a lot, and with whom I have a lot in common, except she is a former Christian and a present Atheist (I think) and I am not formerly Christian and am presently Catholic, so ... not at Atheist. BUT I love her and her writing and man - it never occurs to me to argue with people about why they believe or don't believe whatever they believe or don't believe. When they want to argue what *I* believe, it gets sort of dicey, but I don't find that with this blogger.

ANYWAY. She recently wrote about her non belief and specifically about not being able to reconcile how God can let bad things happen, specifically to children. I have a hard time with this too, of course, and I think even more specifically I think WHY do things happen to ME? Because I am selfish.

Growing up, my older brother was sick. He had a muscle disease, of the auto immune variety, and he was sick from the time he was nine and I was five, so ... all of my life, really. I used to pray every night that he would get better and he never did, really, BUT it didn't kill him either. Now I pray for him every night that he won't have too much pain and that he'll have the strength to get through his days. Also, I can be a complete bitch to him, so I pray that maybe I could lay off on that.

I think about my brother a lot when I think about Anthony, because I DO think all the time, WHY is my child autistic? WHY me? Why him? Why will I never know what it's like to just have a 'normal' three year old, four year old, whatever year old, first born? Where is my husband's little football playing boy? My brother literally never complained one time about his situation. I never heard him ONCE say "why me?" or question why he got sick, or why kids were so mean to him, or anything. I guess maybe he thought it wouldn't do any good?

I think that too - I think what good would it do for me to say "Well, this is IT then! I don't believe in GOD anymore, because he sent me this autistic son!" Because that autistic son is also my little Anthony, who is really beautiful and brilliant and funny and ... you know, my son. My first boy, my baby, my everything. I feel about him like everyone feels about their child. My heart swells with love for him all the time. I want everything to be great for him, I want him to find his place in the world and succeed in whatever it is that he does.

Maybe I had unrealistic expectations of motherhood? Maybe I'm being taken down a peg or two? I have always been a smartypants and I've always had opinions on things, so maybe this is God's way of making me be a better person, to be better to others? I don't know. I know that before I had kids, I used to say in Confession that I had such worries and doubts, and I felt faithless. My priest would say "Well, God got you this far" and I would think that's right. He did. And then I would go ahead and be doubtful and faithless anyway because I am DUMB. :)

Anyway. I am so grateful that I have my faith and I'm so grateful that I was married in the Church because I worry about everything and I mean EVERYTHING having to do with my kids, like everyone, but I never worry about my marriage or family failing. I do feel like God is on my side and I may never know why Anthony is the way that he is but who cares? What is the downside? That I love him and pray for him and think about him and want the best for him? Well, who doesn't?

Sometimes, when I am thinking about how hard I have it, and how I wish Anthony could just ... be 'normal', or whatever, I think about how maybe in Heaven he will talk to me. And he'll say "I love you" and "thank you", or maybe he'll say "No!" or something that I long to hear from him. But it will FEEL like it's happening right now. Maybe it's THAT magical. I hope so. And I'm willing to try and get there to find out, because that child talking to me is the closest thing to Heaven that I can imagine.