Faith and Illness

So I guess I have been thinking about how I reconcile the fact that Anthony has autism with my Faith. I read this one blogger, who I like a lot, and with whom I have a lot in common, except she is a former Christian and a present Atheist (I think) and I am not formerly Christian and am presently Catholic, so ... not at Atheist. BUT I love her and her writing and man - it never occurs to me to argue with people about why they believe or don't believe whatever they believe or don't believe. When they want to argue what *I* believe, it gets sort of dicey, but I don't find that with this blogger.

ANYWAY. She recently wrote about her non belief and specifically about not being able to reconcile how God can let bad things happen, specifically to children. I have a hard time with this too, of course, and I think even more specifically I think WHY do things happen to ME? Because I am selfish.

Growing up, my older brother was sick. He had a muscle disease, of the auto immune variety, and he was sick from the time he was nine and I was five, so ... all of my life, really. I used to pray every night that he would get better and he never did, really, BUT it didn't kill him either. Now I pray for him every night that he won't have too much pain and that he'll have the strength to get through his days. Also, I can be a complete bitch to him, so I pray that maybe I could lay off on that.

I think about my brother a lot when I think about Anthony, because I DO think all the time, WHY is my child autistic? WHY me? Why him? Why will I never know what it's like to just have a 'normal' three year old, four year old, whatever year old, first born? Where is my husband's little football playing boy? My brother literally never complained one time about his situation. I never heard him ONCE say "why me?" or question why he got sick, or why kids were so mean to him, or anything. I guess maybe he thought it wouldn't do any good?

I think that too - I think what good would it do for me to say "Well, this is IT then! I don't believe in GOD anymore, because he sent me this autistic son!" Because that autistic son is also my little Anthony, who is really beautiful and brilliant and funny and ... you know, my son. My first boy, my baby, my everything. I feel about him like everyone feels about their child. My heart swells with love for him all the time. I want everything to be great for him, I want him to find his place in the world and succeed in whatever it is that he does.

Maybe I had unrealistic expectations of motherhood? Maybe I'm being taken down a peg or two? I have always been a smartypants and I've always had opinions on things, so maybe this is God's way of making me be a better person, to be better to others? I don't know. I know that before I had kids, I used to say in Confession that I had such worries and doubts, and I felt faithless. My priest would say "Well, God got you this far" and I would think that's right. He did. And then I would go ahead and be doubtful and faithless anyway because I am DUMB. :)

Anyway. I am so grateful that I have my faith and I'm so grateful that I was married in the Church because I worry about everything and I mean EVERYTHING having to do with my kids, like everyone, but I never worry about my marriage or family failing. I do feel like God is on my side and I may never know why Anthony is the way that he is but who cares? What is the downside? That I love him and pray for him and think about him and want the best for him? Well, who doesn't?

Sometimes, when I am thinking about how hard I have it, and how I wish Anthony could just ... be 'normal', or whatever, I think about how maybe in Heaven he will talk to me. And he'll say "I love you" and "thank you", or maybe he'll say "No!" or something that I long to hear from him. But it will FEEL like it's happening right now. Maybe it's THAT magical. I hope so. And I'm willing to try and get there to find out, because that child talking to me is the closest thing to Heaven that I can imagine.

Reminder to Myself

I want to talk about religion and autism, but I'm not sure how. I feel that my faith has certainly been tested since I've had these children, not just by the fact that Anthony is autistic but by both (all three!) of them, really. I want to talk about vaccines and autism, and social contracts and vaccines and autism and morals. I want to talk about how I never worry that my husband and I will end up divorced, like 99% of parents of autistic children (ha - I am exaggerating but LORD it's high, or at least it's supposedly high) because I feel like no matter what happens with us, God is on our side. I am trying to have the best marriage and family that I can, and I try to use the Holy Family as a model. I know that even though I sometimes feel like I have been forgotten, like poor sweet Anthony has been forgotten, it's not true. I feel in my heart that we are being taken care of, just held in the palm of His hand. I am glad I'm a faithful person, and maybe I'm fooling myself, but in the meantime, it works for me.

I want to write about all this stuff but I don't have time because as I just told Mike, this kitchen looks like a bomb hit it and I've got to clean it up a little before bedtime.

Oh, You Crazy Old Grey Lady, You

So Dolan is now the Archbishop of NYC and God help us all. I don't know a lot about him, but I do know that there has been some CRAZY goings on in Milwaukee and Mike and I went to a LUNATIC Mass up there several years ago (this was before Mike was Catholic and I thought we'd lose him there for sure!). I guess actually Dolan replaced the loon that was Bishop there before? But anyway this article in the NYT cracks me up.

Some of the highlights of the awesome "journalism" going on:

He greeted an overflow crowd of more than 3,000, reading from a sheet of yellow legal paper as he recognized some of the prominent people in attendance, and giving a special mention to a contingent of New York City firefighters and their commissioner, Nicholas Scoppetta.

Really? Was it YELLOW legal paper? Not RED? Or plain WHITE? Interesting!

Also:

Afterward, some who attended the Mass said they were pleased with Archbishop Dolan, who previously led the Archdiocese of Milwaukee. “His focus is on the Catholic point of view,” said Vicki Miano, a registered nurse from the Bronx, “and if he keeps doing that he’s going to bring a lot of enthusiasm to the church.”

The Catholic point of view, Vicki? What view did you think he'd focus on? Maybe, I tell myself, she meant the catholic point of view, meaning 'of the people', but since it's capitalized, I doubt it.

Lastly:

He (Dolan) did not refer to it, but there is conflict between Catholic dogma and scientific conventions on several fronts, including the medical definition of brain death, the legal definition of the beginning of human life and the ethics of embryonic stem cell research.

This sentence is TERRIBLE. Catholic dogma does not set the LEGAL definition of human life. Scientific conventions don't care about the ETHICS of embryonic stem cell research. The hell? Does anyone still consider this trash to be a good newspaper?

(via Amy Wellborn)

Obama at Notre Dame

Man. I have thought about this a lot, actually, Lacey! :) I have a friend who is a Liberal person politically, and a Catholic, but not really, anymore, as she doesn't go to Mass or believe in a lot of what the Church believes, and she posted a link on Facebook to a blog where the author wrote about Obama at Notre Dame. This guy and I do not agree because he was of the opinion that the Church is somehow contradicting itself on Its' stance about Life Issues and I think that a) the Church is always right and b) they are truly NOT contradicting themselves when it comes to Life issues. I also don't agree that "right wing Catholics" (whatever the hell that is) are the only people offended at the possibility that Obama would receive an honorary degree from a Catholic college.

Now - some conservative Catholics MIGHT be contradicting themselves about Life issues. For example, if you are in line with the Republican party's beliefs, you are probably anti-abortion, and anti-euthenasia, BUT you are probably PRO-death penalty. I do not feel this way, I am not a person who believes in the death penalty and I am a person who believes in life beginning at conception, so I am obviously against abortion. There isn't really a big party, though, for people who think like I do, so what do you do? You have to make a choice and do the best that you can. This varies greatly from person to person, as to what they choose to do. Mostly the Church recommends that you vote your conscience and that it's a moral obligation that we have to vote. But it's hard, it was especially hard for me with this Presidential election.

For the record, I voted for Obama in the primary against Hillary Clinton. I was very excited at the possibility of a Black President and I can say that I was 100% with Chris Rock on why - I thought it was about time and I thought it would be a beautiful thing to say to a young child, no matter what color or race they were, that they could be ANYTHING, even the President of the US! If I were a young black child before Obama, I would think "sure I can, tell me another one". To me it was so much 40 Acres and a Mule before Obama. Also, I read Obama's book a few years ago and I was impressed by him.

Then I read a lot of stuff on Obama and saw several interviews that he did where he talked about abortion. When he was asked in an interview when he felt that life began he said that it was 'above his pay grade'. I was so disappointed - I mean, it's a hard, complicated question and to pay it so little mind was really awful, I thought. He is extremely pro-Choice and goes on and on about abortion being 'safe, rare and legal', but I only could see him voting for measures that made it so far beyond that - and not safe at all for the babies born alive, in the case of a vote that he wanted to make in the Illinois State Senate. I don't know how you can claim to want abortion to be rare, but to demand that it be available to everyone, no matter what their age, and that their parents don't have to know that a young girl is getting surgery, at the very least.

So I had to vote my conscience and not vote for him but I was still excited that he won. I don't consider it my fault that we as a country are in the position that we're in, that we've never had a black President, so I reserve the right to be happy that he is now President. I pray daily that he will have a conversion of heart about Life issues, PARTICULARLY this nonsense about embryonic stem cell research and cloning, which is what all this federal funding of stem cell research is leading to, I firmly believe.

SO now Notre Dame invites him to not only speak at their commencement but to receive an honorary degree and I think it's awful, but I am not surprised at all. I don't even know why Notre Dame considers themselves a Catholic college at all! I was very happy to hear that the Bishop of South Bend wrote eloquently about why he would not be attending the commencement where Obama speaks - I think that is his right and duty.

It's not just that Obama is Pro-Choice - he is a Democrat, NOBODY is surprised that he is Pro Choice. The problem is that he seems to have NO regard for Life at all or for people that might have different beliefs than he does. The most offensive is the Freedom of Choice Act, which scares the hell (!) out of the Catholic church in this country, as well it should. Catholic Hospitals HAVE to have the right to refuse to have abortions performed in them, if they don't, they will have to close. It's also offensive that he is trying (and I guess is going) to get federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, without any care for how many Americans feel about it.

I DO understand the cachet involved with having a sitting President, let alone the first Black president, speak at your college. But we have to stand for something, and this is not it, in my opinion. That said, I really wouldn't look to Notre Dame to set any standards, Catholic-wise. Talk about a Cafeteria Catholic - Notre Dame is the worst, wanting all the good that being a Catholic college does for you without bearing any of the responsibility. Here is an excellent article that better articulates my point.