Days

Here's how yesterday went:

I woke up to the sound of Maria, blaring away like a trumpet.  I got up and then I looked at the clock and I said to Mike, it's not even 7:00!  He said, we get up early, Joanne, we're like lumberjacks.  I said I think maybe lumberjacks go to bed earlier than we do.  Tuesday night was my first night off since the previous Thursday, and these weekends at this insanely busy restaurant where I'm working are sort of killing me, I sleep like the dead anymore.  Anyways, we got up and got Maria ready to go to school, she and Mike left around 7:30 or so.

I got Felicity dressed, Veronica was already in clothes that she had picked out with Mike, so I didn't have to worry about her.  I got all of Anthony's bags together, one with food that they had requested at his school, one with his braces and shoes, and one with his extra clothes and iPad.  Then I went upstairs and woke him up, I got him dressed with him lying flat on his stomach, which isn't hard as much as tricky, I have to line up his socks backwards and it's a pain.

Then I got his medicine, 1/2 teaspoon in a syringe, and some soda for bribery, and then I chase him around the house and fold up his hands on his body and then lay down on his hands on his body so I can hold his face with one hand and shoot the medicine with the other.  He gags, every time, and then he finally just takes it and then I give him the soda and then I cry a little bit, it's so freaking frustrating, I feel like I am making him sick.  Anyways, ::brisk clap:: there is NO time for tears, because I have to put them all in the car.  Veronica is the only one who can get in her damned car seat herself, so I strap in the other two, find my phone, start the drive to his school.

There is construction on the road to his school, construction which is supposed to last for TWO YEARS, so it takes us forever to get there and we are late.  By the time we get home (we stop to pick up pancakes from Old McDonalds), we've been in the car for 1 hour and ten minutes.

I decide that I should rake the leaves in our side yard, the only one I haven't done yet, so I put gloves and hats and boots on the girls, (it was cold but sunny and I thought they could get some fresh air) and start to rake while they play.  I only raked for ten minutes before Veronica had removed her boots and gloves and found some kind of a water source to soak herself in, so she was mad because she was, shocking no one, wet and cold.  Here's a picture:

Ooh I was mad clean through!  But we all went inside and dried off and warmed up.  We went to ballet at 12:00, which means 45 minutes of learning arabesques for Veronica and 45 minutes of me chasing Felicity around the center.  She goes outside, climbs up to the water fountain, insists on going in the bathroom to wash her hands, on and on, back and forth for 45 minutes.  This is the same place where the lady yelled at me and told me to 'watch my child' when Felicity was messing with one of the thousands of piles of papers they have there, so I am always nervous.  We went home and I gave them lunch and decided against putting Felicity down for her nap, as she is not feeling it these days, to quote Mike. At 2:45 we went to get Maria and at 3:15 we picked up Maria, the other girls were already asleep.  Maria feels like she deserves a treat every damned day of her life so I told her I'd buy her a half-price shake at Steak and Shake.  She, of course, fell asleep on the way there so I just looked like a hog, buying several shakes at the drive through, but whatever.  We got home and everyone was grumpy and sad and post-nap angry, but I threw them in the house and gave them their damned shakes and took ten minutes to get ready for work.

At 4:00 we left to get Anthony and we hit so, so much traffic again that we were late.  We picked him up and the entire way home Felicity yelled and cried, she had just had it with the damned car.  ME TOO, I told her, ME TOO.

We all got home and Mike was already there, we unloaded the kids and I went in and cut up a pepper to eat on the way to work, and THEN I got stuck in MORE traffic and I was like fifteen minutes late for work.  It was like 2.5 hours in the car yesterday and I think, what the hell?  Am I a stay at home mother or a over the road truck driver?  I hate it.  I hate my stupid schedule, I hate being so tired all the time, I hate that Felicity is two years old and spends so much time in the car.  Veronica hates dropping off Anthony at school, she hates going to get him.  I told her yesterday, I don't like it either but at least she is in a million dollar car seat, with her MOVIE OF CHOICE on the DVD player.  That wasn't an option when I was a girl, I told her.  Back on the prairie, where we often died of things like the common cold.  Ha, just kidding I didn't say that last part.

Anyways, I worked until 11:00 and then that was the end of my 16 hour day.  It's too much, I think, sometimes.  I went to confession last week and I - I guess it was two weeks ago by now- told the priest that I struggle so much with patience, patience with my children and my husband, the people to whom I should be the kindest!  He was very nice, he always is, he said I should try and take a few moments each day to really just unplug my heart, to just let everything out and feel everything, without judging it or having expectations of what I should be like, as a mother, and a wife.  He was very nice but all I could think was I will never get a few moments a day where I can be left alone like that.

I don't know.  So often I feel like I am doing it all wrong, like other people seem to be enjoying their lives or at least not miserable curs like I am, are they all lying?  Faking?  I hope so.  Or I hope they are more simple minded, that's what I tell myself sometimes.  I am so miserable because I'm so SMART.  I don't know.  I am putting Felicity in preschool one more day a week and hoping for the best.

Stupid Blog about SAHMs

So this blogger posted an entry about how his wife was a stay at home mom and she should be REVERED as a GODDESS because she WAS!  I mention it here because I think he is a Christian blogger, but I'm not actually sure.  Some of my friends who have posted that entry have been Christians, so I am just guessing.

I was listening to the Chicks on the Right, two women who I really, REALLY do not like, but I listen to their station on the way to work because that station also has the traffic report and I always want to hear that as I go to work downtown, during rush hour.  Anyway.  I don't like them because they seem like jerks and also because one of them wrote a blog post about how she could use the word retard because her son had Asperger's or something.  So.

Anyway, they are both WORKING MOMS, the Chicks, and one was saying how she couldn't really get behind this one statement that the blogger made, which was something like no one could be in favor of little children spending LESS time with their moms.  The Chick said that she couldn't be a stay at home mom because she would be BAD at it!  She wasn't meant to stay home all day with her kids, she just wasn't!  She would be BAD at at it!

I've heard this sort of claptrap before, and it bothers me a lot.  The stay at home mom debate is tired and old, especially to me, but I am so sick of reading that women work outside the home because they wouldn't be a good stay at home mom.  That's like saying - what is it like saying?  It's like saying something really stupid, I guess.  Because I am not a stay at home mom because I'm good at it.  In fact, I'm bad at it.  I am so impatient with this damned Felicity I swear I want to just put her in daycare EIGHTY hours a week!  All I do is try and clean the house and maintain some semblance of order here and she LITERALLY goes around the house tearing stuff off the walls.  I am not kidding!  She just tore down this ceramic mask that Anthony made off the WALL.  She goes in the toy room and tears the books off the shelves.  She is constantly flipping laundry baskets upside down.  I am not made for this, who the hell is?  You would have to be an idiot and I mean that literally to think that you were made for this.

I am home with my kids not because I am good at it, or because I like cleaning things up just to have them messed up in front of my face.  I am home with my kids because I love them more than anyone else, and I think they should be with people who love them the most for the most hours of the day.  I don't think it matters to any of them that I am better at being a Network Administrator than I am a stay at home mom.  They definitely don't care that I am still paying off my MASTERS DEGREE while I am home with them.  All they care about is that I love them the most and I am the one taking care of them.  That's why I stay home.  Is that clear, everyone else in the world?

The fact that I think this doesn't mean that I think that moms that go to work do it because they DON'T love their kids.  I don't think one thing about moms who go to work, it is none of my business what one other person does.  But I wish that when everyone wrote about why they are NOT stay at home moms, they would go ahead and NOT write about it.  Just you mind your biz, and I'll mind mine, I think, all the time.

People keep asking me if Mike minds if I work so much at night.  As if I'm out HOOKERING or something.  I don't know what to say to that.  We need money, more than we are making right now as attorney and stay at home mom, so I work at night, when I don't have to hire a babysitter, so I can keep all the money I make.  I get my paycheck direct deposited and then moments after it's deposited, almost all of it is taken out to pay the girls' tuition.  I am sometimes so tired at 4:30, I make a cup of tea and I think, phew, at least the day is almost ... and then I stop myself because if it's Monday or Wednesday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday, I am usually going to go to work for six more hours, ugh.  Does Mike mind?  I do not know how to answer that question.

Thoughts

Deep thoughts.  Ha ha not really.  I had some thoughts in church on Sunday but Lord knows if I'll be able to remember them.

• The first thing is that I found this website called catholicsexy.blogspot.com.  It's very interesting, even if I did get a little pearl-clutchy over some of it.  I hope that it's a good reference for NFP, though.  Lord, NFP is weird.  I mean, NFP isn't weird, I think it's fine.  I have a good friend who is an NFP teacher and she is always willing to answer any questions I have.  But man - some people who use NFP are weirdos.  Ha ha - I mean, some of all people are weirdos, right?  But it's just a LOT of talk about other people's sex lives and - well, it's like this - I think if Catholics believe that sex is restorative and pleasurable and unifying and also used in reproduction, if you've decided that you are not able to be pregnant, if you have grave reasons for not getting pregnant or whatever, just because you might not feel like having sex, maybe you should?  But people are always complaining, it seems that they just don't FEEL like having sex when they are able to have sex, and I think well get over it!  Who is doing what they want to do, all the time?  WHO?  
• Oh, these other moms at school and church are so, so bitchy.  There is one woman whom I met a few years ago, at a moms' social thing at church.  This woman came to the playgroup and talked only to her daughter until a friend of hers got there and then she talked only to her friend.  I've seen her several times in church since then, all the time really, and she waits for her kids to come out of school feet away from where I wait and she just - she refuses to say hi, or make eye contact or anything.  It is a very Mean Girls type vibe and I think, what?  Really?  We are in church!  Or at CATHOLIC school!  We have an ice cream social next week and I just know that she is going to be super nice to me if she is forced but by that point, I am going to hate her and then what?  Also, I saw on Facebook that she is a good friend of a friend of mine and now I'm afraid he's a Mean Girl too.  I have been a stay at home mother for EIGHT YEARS and I have a lot of friends and never in that time have I not said hi to someone or be rude to someone who was on her own, because I was raised right, for the Love of God.  
• I really like the Priest at my church, I think he's an excellent speaker.  This week he spoke about St. Joan of Arc and how she had a friend come to the place where she was burned at the stake and hold the Crucifix so she could just focus on it as she was being BURNED AT THE STAKE!  And I was thinking, wow, that is something, and also I was thinking, I am no martyr and also I was thinking, if I were not Catholic and just wandered in here, I would think, this is the craziest talk I've ever heard.  
• I went to a Moms Retreat yesterday.  It's called Morning for Moms in our Archdiocese and it's so nice.  It cost $35 and you get breakfast and coffee and lunch and Mass and a speaker.  This time is was an author of a book, I can't remember and am too lazy to get up look at the title, but I really enjoyed her talk.  But here's some bad things that happened, because I can't leave well enough alone. 
• One woman that I sat with said that she never really feels like she has to do things with adults, because her four year old is just like another adult.  She said I mean, I discuss theology with my two year old, what more could I want?  I thought of Felicity, who will be two next month and who said Daddy, no! the other day and I counted it as her first two word phrase, and who drew on the wall yesterday and brought Mike over to point and say "tah dah!" and, um, that is not the same as an adult!  The woman said, with no irony, "it's just that my children are extraordinary".  Mmmmmkay.  
• So we had this nice Mass and afterward the woman who runs it said thanks for coming and also they are thinking of doing a co-op thing with childcare because they can't do it anymore.  She said they were only able to get childcare yesterday at the last minute.  So she said maybe if you moms want to work childcare one time, you can work and then we will give you a coupon for a free next time.  OR, she said, maybe you know someone who would want to babysit for a SMALL stipend (emphasis hers), or else this is going to have to be the last year for Mornings with Moms.  I swear I was just *thanking God* for this great program, where we could bring our kids and be sure they were taken care of so we could focus on our own spiritual life, since we spend all the rest of our time taking care of other people, and poof!, down came the hammer from this lady.  Hows about you charge more so you can pay someone a living wage?  What the heck?  It was $35 and there were 20 of us, so maybe charge $40?  Or 50?  Why do you have to threaten to take away this great opportunity, which happens THREE times a YEAR?  I hate everyone.  
• What else.  I had something to say about music, but I can't remember what.  It was not nice, I'm sure.  How I hate the music at my church.  And most of the people in it.  Ha, that is not great, is it?  I just don't like the bad music or the mean people.  But I think somehow I'm supposed to LIKE the music and LOVE the people, no matter how bad or mean they are, which, ugh, I guess I will work on that.  
• I don't have anywhere else to post this, but every time I hear the song Blurred Lines I get mad.  There was some article written about how it was 'rapey', which is a word I despise.  You know what's rapey?  RAPE!  Nothing else!  I was listening to some song the other day, I forget what, and it was very heavy on the metaphors and the similes and I was thinking Robin Thicke has this song, he says you're a good girl, I know you want it, you're the hottest bitch in this place, you're far from plastic and mostly I think um, that doesn't make sense.  Far from plastic?  But also, I think, why do we have to call him a rapist or rapey because he wrote a song?  You know, I remember years ago when the Andres Serrano exhibit was in New York or whatever and even though he had the Piss Christ, and he was sponsored by the NEA, everyone said he is an ARTIST and he is EXPRESSING HIMSELF and then it's okay, right?  So Robin Thicke (who I really want to call Alan Thicke, every time) writes a song - or performs a song, I don't even know if he wrote it or not, where he uses a lot of metaphors and similes and talks the sexy talk to a girl who may or may not be acting like a good girl even though she is a dirty kitty who wants it.  I don't know, but I don't know if we have to call him rapey.  Also, everyone was down on him for HIS behavior during the MTV thing and I never saw HIM sticking a foam finger in his crotch or chasing after that girl.  His suit was bad but otherwise I'm not mad at him.  Which is a good thing, because I am mad at EVERYONE else, practically, ha!

Thoughts on Women

This week, I read an article by Andrew Sullivan about how promising the new Pope is.  I am guessing when people say that he seems promising, or that he seems great, they mean that they agree with something which with the Pope agrees, but that's just a guess.

I think the new Pope seems wonderful, and a real man of the people, but I liked every Pope of my lifetime.  One of the things that Andrew Sullivan talked about was this Pope and women.  AS thinks that women should be allowed to be priests, and I guess he thinks that by washing the feet of those women, this Pope is maybe going to allow that?  My guess is that he's not, even if AS thinks it's "absurd" that the Pope said that JPII shut down the debate about women being priests.  I'm of the understanding that the Pope is God's vicar on earth, so it seems to me like he can do whatever the hell he wants that God wants, but maybe I am a simpleton.

Then, AS says this, he says it seems that what the Pope is saying is this:  

Remember that in the Church, the honor accorded to Jesus’ mother is higher than that of any of the apostles, and that women, simply by virtue of being women, are above priests in importance to the Body of Christ.” That’s both a repetition of orthodoxy and yet also a whole-sale re-imagination of it.

And this is where I got kind of mad, because I can't think of a church who more venerates The Blessed Mother than the Catholic church.  I get into discussions ALL THE TIME with people who (wrongly) think that Catholics worship saints, including and mostly the Blessed Mother.  The usual explanation is that the Church encourages *veneration* of the Blessed Mother, and extreme admiration because she was born without sin, so she could give birth to the Son of God.  I admire that!  So does every Pope I've heard of, and every priest and Catholic I know.  SHEESH!  AS says that this is a repetition of orthodoxy and a WHOLE-SALE REIMAGINATION of it.  Dummy.

So this morning, I woke up early and I was thinking, as I usually am, I hate my job, I don't want the day to start, I can't get out of bed and do this stupid job again, these girls are going to run me ragged as usual, boo hoo poor me, etc., and I thought hey!  Even though I am admired and loved by these people, these kids of mine, they don't treat me well and by well I mean how you would the QUEEN.  I have these expectations of how I should be treated and those expectations have to go right out the window with, well, all of them but especially Felicity and Anthony, too.  But although it bothers me on a daily basis, it doesn't bother me in the scheme of things, it doesn't hurt my feelings, and it doesn't make me think that my job as their Mother is somehow not worthy.  I am their MOTHER.  They were formed, knitted, in my WOMB.  They were pulled out of me and then I fed them (well, most of them) with my BODY and kept them alive!  What position could be higher than that, more deserving of love and respect?

So then I was thinking, why are we so concerned for women that they can't be priests?  I was having a discussion with a friend about it one night and she said that she thought Mother Teresa should be able to be a PRIEST!, and I said, what in the world makes you think that Mother Teresa WANTS to be a priest?  When she is a SAINT, doing what she does?  A SAINT!

I think that we think that there is some sort of GLASS CEILING for women in the Church and that being a nun, maybe being a Mother Superior, is as high as they can go.  But maybe, maybe my position is as high as you can go.  Maybe my mother's position is as high as you can go.  Maybe the lady who cleans some church in Rome is as high as you can go.  Who the hell knows?  Why do we assume PRIEST is it?  To me that is as sexist as anything.  We are talking about vocations here, messages from God about what you should do with your life!  How does acting like we're talking about making it up from the typing pool to the boardroom help anything?

Anyway.  Maybe I am a bad woman for not wanting to be a priest, for not being mad at the Church for not allowing me to go as far as I can go at Roman Catholic, Inc., but I don't think so.  Frankly, I get mad a LOT of the time that my vocation appears to be Wife and Mother because it sucks.  But it's great.  EVENTUALLY.  I HOPE.

Getting to Know You, Part 2

Did I say we are Engaged Couple Sponsors for our church now?  It's going well, we had to go to a training session and then we got our first couple.  I was nervous but it's really a nice thing, you get the answers to the couples' evaluation (never test!  Although it's really a test, ha!) and go over the challenges in the answers.  We have worked with one couple who are getting married this fall and we are going to work with another couple this week, who are getting married in June.  I don't necessarily feel like we have so much to say about how to be a good married couple, but we do have experience being married now and I feel like our training was good - it's really just common sense stuff.  Anyways, it's all we can do, volunteer wise, right now and I feel like it's helpful so that's good.  This weekend in church they spoke about how it's important to have a mission and while I don't know that I necessarily have a MISSION, I do have some idea about wanting to give back to the Church, etc., and I'm happy we can do something.  Ha, even if it's a lesson in What Not to Do.

Here's the second part of the Getting to Know You thing.

Getting to Know Me Post 2

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?

Well I guess I'd say everything, because that's really how I try to look at my life but especially Anthony's being autistic. I was really scared of Autism, scared of it all, but he is my firstborn child and my only son and it's my duty and privilege to take care of him.

What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to?

I loved my wedding. I met Mike at a retirement party for these two friends of mine who were retiring from coaching a basketball program. I'm going to say that was the BEST party I've ever attended. It was postponed twice because of bad weather and then finally they had it and I met Mike again moments after I went in, we stayed the latest of anyone.

What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?

Everything makes me cry. I cried at Downton Abbey last night but not when the Big Thing happened. I cried when the mom was thinking of Sybil, the thought of losing a child is very upsetting to me.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? 

I don't know. It was hard to go through the experience of getting Anthony diagnosed, it continues to be hard, to constantly review our actions and hope we are doing enough.

What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?

I would like to think that I get stronger every time a person comes out of me, ha! I don't know if I do or not.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? 

My mother caught me smoking one time, at school. One time we were out super late and we said our car got towed from the Diner but my mom called to complain and they said they had never had a car towed from there in their thirty year history, ha! Busted! I used to get grades that were unacceptable and I'd spend a lot of time grounded.

What do you miss most about being a kid? 

I miss naps and allowance.

What is your first memory of being really excited? 

I don't know. I used to really love my life, I loved going to school and seeing friends. I loved this Gym Show we used to have in grade school. I loved everything. I used to be excited every damned time my eyes opened in the morning.

What was the first thing you bought with your own money?

I'll tell you what I remember buying with my own money. My Aunt Joan always gives me $3 for my birthday and when I was in second or third grade she gave it to me in quarters, taped in my card. I brought the quarters in to school and I bought ice cream (which was a dime, I think) for everyone in my class. Then poof! the money was gone and I was super sad but extremely well loved in my class.

When was the last time you were nervous?

I am pretty nervous! I was truly nervous on Saturday night at work, first we were super busy and then this customer had kind of a breakdown. We know her well, she is a regular, and she was having some kind of a manic episode and I was nervous for her. She's fine.

What is something you learned in the last week?

The last week. I learned that I know nothing about people and that they are a constant surprise to me. I saw a friend of mine on Sunday and she told me that her husband and she are separated, his decision, they have two little kids who are Anthony and Maria's ages and I just - I am shocked. I don't understand people and I never will.

What story does your family always tell about you? 

I don't know. I fell out of the car when I was around three or four. Three, I guess. We were at my grandfather's house while my parents went bowling. They used to bowl on Sundays. It was cold out and I guess the door handle froze? Or something? We went around this super hard turn and I fell out of the car. I don't remember much but I do remember that they KEPT DRIVING until my sister Laura said 'Joanne's not in the car anymore!'. I remember I was mad at my dad when we were at the hospital to get checked out (I was fine) and I remember I was wearing this cute outfit with kitty cats on the pants and then it had one kitty cat on the shirt. Our Don't Break the Ice game went out with me and my mom always talks about hearing the tink tink tink of those ice cubes.

At what age did you become an adult?

I don't know, really. I guess I am an adult because I have all these kids? I know that when I go to parent/teacher conferences at the girls' preschool, i am looking around for my mom or dad, ha!

Getting to Know You

I stole this from my internet friend, I would like to blog more here and I keep forgetting.  I want to say things about the Pope leaving and about how I have so many friends and acquaintances who think that, like, Hillary Clinton or someone should be the Pope, it's driving me insane.  I have completely faith that those Cardinals will get together and pray and let it come to them who should be the Pope.  I'm glad JPII was the Pope and I'm glad Benedict was the Pope and I'm glad Leo, Doctor and Saint, or whoever was Pope was Pope.  I'm not worried about it!  I don't think that we should get a pope who is more modern, or super young, or hip and with it, or anything.  I think we should have the pope be someone who God wants as His vicar on Earth.  Maybe I'm a simpleton, but I have a hard enough time with faith, I can't get all pushed up about who is going to be pope.  Sheesh.

So anyways, since I am IMPOSSIBLE about the pope situation and other current events, I thought I'd just steal a meme and go from there.

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I used to love cheese sandwiches, also tomato sandwiches and by sandwich I mean either cheese or tomato with mayo on white bread.  MMMMMM.  I don't really want a cheese sandwich now but I could TOTALLY have a tomato sandwich.  I miss white bread, Lord I loved it as a child and we had only white bread and white bread from which to choose.  We also had bread every single night at dinner.  EVERY NIGHT.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

I listen to this Avett Brothers song that I got for free from Starbucks but I can't remember the name of it.  I am terrible with new music, on account of I am usually listening to the kids' crap in the car or sometimes I listen to comedians on Pandora to cheer myself.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

My favorite quote is from Judge Judy and it's "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining".

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

My favorite indoor activity is reading, whether it's books or the internet.  But I also really enjoy several shows on tv and since we have Netflix streaming through our Blu Ray, I try and catch a movie here and there.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

The laundry around here is pretty daunting but I do sort of hate all of them, because it never stops.  Sometimes as I am folding clothes, Felicity is tearing them out of the basket and throwing them on the floor.  I hate sweeping the floor because it is so gross to look at the amount of stuff that's been on there!

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I used to love going to boxing classes at my gym in NYC.  Now I like this KenPo workout from P90X and I like Turbo Jam.  I like anything that makes me work hard and goes fast.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

My favorite time of day.  I think it's probably evenings after the kids have gone to bed and we are sitting together watching tv.  My favorite day of the week is probably Friday, after all this time where Friday doesn't really mean anything to us.  My favorite month of the year is probably March - it's my birthday month, we are busy at work because of NCAA basketball and St. Patrick's Day, and it's finally getting warmer, usually.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

Flying.

What is your favorite body part?

I have long nail beds and all my manicurists comment on them.

What sound do you love?

I'll tell you what sound I love and that is the sound of silence.  I never hear it, though, EVER.

I guess this is kind of an abrupt ending.  I'll have to go look at the stolen meme and get the Part 2, but not right now.  Right now I am taking advantage of the fact that it's President's Day and Mike is home and I'm going to do a (hopefully) simple computer consulting job.