For the LOVE of all that is GOOD and HOLY, Pope Francis, while a wonderful Pope and Vicar of God on Earth, is not breaking any new ground by agreeing that the Big Bang happened! The Catholic church has never refuted this, nor the Theory of Evolution.
I don't know what is happening with this Pope and the media but it is very creepy. Yesterday on FB, I saw where a (Non-Catholic) friend posted about the "news" about the Pope and the Big Bang Theory and someone called Pope Benedict a Nazi and said that it was good that he retired when he realized he was no longer relevant. I ... um, ... what?
I can't think of another organization that has such misinformation passed about it and it's just A-OKAY with all the pedants int he world who would DEMAND better information about anyone else. It is driving me bananas.
Here's a link to some information about the CATHOLIC PRIEST who is given credit for proposing the BIG BANG THEORY. Just FYI. As I tweeted to my friend who retweeted a joke from Dr. Ruth regarding the Pope deciding that the Church is okay with the Big Bang Theory, the Catholic church has always been okay with it. #themoreyouknow
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Duggars
I don't think I've seen more than five minutes all together of any of those Nineteen and Counting shows, and I don't really have any opinion about all those Duggars, but I find myself getting kind of mad when people go on and on about them.
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Fifteen Prayers of St. Bridget
So my friend Marta had this idea of doing this novena for ONE YEAR. Her sister is doing it and she said that if you do this novena for ONE YEAR, a lot of good things happen to you. It came up because we were talking about dying suddenly. I can't remember for sure but I think I was talking about Mike's friend Tim, who died suddenly, I mean, he basically went to bed one night and everything was normal and he never woke up. His daughter is the same age as Maria and this was at Christmas right after Felicity was born, so they were not quite four years old, his daughter was not quite four when Tim died. It was a very significant loss for Mike, as Tim was one of his best and oldest friends, so I think about him a lot but also because I am so scared of that, of dying suddenly or Mike dying suddenly. Marta said well you should do this novena that my sister is doing because one of the things that it GUARANTEES is that you will not die suddenly. And I was like, um, what in the who now? Marta is from Italy and her sister lives there still and I have never really heard of such a thing. Marta is also a better pray-er than I am, so I guess that's why I never heard of it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Eleven Things
I can never, ever resist a meme.
1. What is your favorite type of cheese?
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
2. What are you excited about?
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
3. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
4. What is on your bedside table?
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
5. What do you order from the movie theater concession stand?
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
6. Do you have a garden? What’s growing?
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
7. Any summer plans?
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
8. Which TV couple(s) are you rooting for?
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
10. What’s one thing you are passionate about?
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
11. What are you grateful for this week?
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
You are Being Tacky at the Least
Dear Person who puts a St. Joseph Statue Upside Down in Their Yard so he can Magically Sell Their House:
Stop. Stop it! It's so tacky. If you are Catholic, it might even be sacrilegious! I mean, it's not really against God or anything because of course St. Joseph was just a person, but it's kind of mean. I mean, we ask Saints to pray for us, to help us find lost things (Anthony) to pray that our dog gets better (Francis), to pray that we stop being so crazy (Dymphna), you get the picture, right? So why, if you were asking someone for something, would you bury a statue of them in the yard? UPSIDE DOWN? Ticky tack.
With Love and God Help You,
Joanne
I have a friend who commented on this very thing the other day. I felt like it was bait but I might be paranoid. Some radio personality said he wasn't Catholic but he heard Catholics buried the statue of St. Joseph upside down so he could sell their house and should he try? So my friend commented that she was Catholic and her house didn't sell for five months and then she buried the statue and it sold in two weeks!
I mean, it makes us look like kooks. And also dumbbells. There are specific prayers that you can say to Saints. You can look them up! You can say prayers and ask St. Gerard to pray for you as a mother, you can ask the Blessed Mother for ANYTHING. I just - how did it come up that poor Joseph should have his visage buried upside down in a yard? THEN - oh I forgot - THEN if your house does sell, you are to take the statue and presumably wash it off, then put it in a place of honor in your new house that you buy with the money from your old house. If your house doesn't sell, I guess you just bash it over the head of your Realtor or something.
If I were a bad Catholic, it would make me ashamed to be a bad Catholic.
Stop. Stop it! It's so tacky. If you are Catholic, it might even be sacrilegious! I mean, it's not really against God or anything because of course St. Joseph was just a person, but it's kind of mean. I mean, we ask Saints to pray for us, to help us find lost things (Anthony) to pray that our dog gets better (Francis), to pray that we stop being so crazy (Dymphna), you get the picture, right? So why, if you were asking someone for something, would you bury a statue of them in the yard? UPSIDE DOWN? Ticky tack.
With Love and God Help You,
Joanne
I have a friend who commented on this very thing the other day. I felt like it was bait but I might be paranoid. Some radio personality said he wasn't Catholic but he heard Catholics buried the statue of St. Joseph upside down so he could sell their house and should he try? So my friend commented that she was Catholic and her house didn't sell for five months and then she buried the statue and it sold in two weeks!
I mean, it makes us look like kooks. And also dumbbells. There are specific prayers that you can say to Saints. You can look them up! You can say prayers and ask St. Gerard to pray for you as a mother, you can ask the Blessed Mother for ANYTHING. I just - how did it come up that poor Joseph should have his visage buried upside down in a yard? THEN - oh I forgot - THEN if your house does sell, you are to take the statue and presumably wash it off, then put it in a place of honor in your new house that you buy with the money from your old house. If your house doesn't sell, I guess you just bash it over the head of your Realtor or something.
If I were a bad Catholic, it would make me ashamed to be a bad Catholic.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Litany
I don't know if Litany is the right word. I have many complaints and worries, but what does a person do with them? If a person brings their worries and complaints to their friends/families, those people are tempted to cheer the person up, or God help us, to try and quick fix them. If a person goes to a priest, the priest is tempted to remind the person that God loves them, which, ugh. I don't want to hear that right now. If God loves me so much, why do horrible, shitty things keep happening to me? Why am I so miserable almost all of the time? Why do I spend so much time thinking how I can get out of this? Why do I have to hide in the bathroom with the fan on just to not hear it?
I am so jealous and envious of people, of normal people. I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I am forty six years old and I work as a waitress at $2 and hour plus tips but a lot of those tips suck because I wait on mostly old people who are mean and - I mean mean like cheap and they are also sometimes mean like crappy to me. I can't go to work until Mike comes home to watch the kids, so sometimes I'm late and I have to stay at this bad job because no one else will put up with someone being late all the damned time. I can't get a babysitter to stay with the kids because Anthony has to be picked up, by ME, every day at 4:30. We could have him transported home but that costs $12 a day and guess what, we don't have it! We can't pay a babysitter because we don't have the money, we can't get Anthony a ride home because we don't have the money, I have to go to work because we don't have the money. There are people at work who want to make all the money, so I have to fight for every table, fight for every dollar, and I'm so sick of it. I keep thinking I am better than this but guess what? I am not. I would try to take some pride in my work but guess what? We can't afford that, either.
Anthony has been grabbing at us and hitting us for like six months now? Nine? A long time. It's gotten MUCH better at his therapy center, he doesn't do it at all anymore because they have taught him that they'll just ignore it. But we can't ignore it. He pulled Felicity to the floor today, should I advise her to ignore it? She doesn't do anything I say, so I doubt it would work. I spent a lot of time in the last two weeks calling his neurologist, well his nurse because guess what? The actual doctor can't spend time talking to a plebe like me on the phone. I iterated my concerns and she said that she'd talk to him and call me back and she did, she said he said it sounded like it was behavioral so we should talk to his ABA therapy people about it. Ohhhh, I wanted to say, I hadn't thought of that! Thanks! But of course we have talked to them, they ignore it and it stops but we can't ignore it. They are having home therapy here so that Anthony can behave here like he does at home but guess what? That is a giant pain for me, to have to try and work with Anthony while also amusing the other children whose every demand must be met immediately or there is so much yelling and screaming and then Anthony knocks them down and um, new plan!
My neck hurts all the time from being violently pulled to the floor. I am so tired and nervous that I am getting a tic. I had to stop drinking because I'm worried I'm drinking to much, for escape, but who wouldn't want to escape this drudgery? I clean like a slave because if I'm not constantly cleaning up food of the floor, the ants completely take over.
This morning, to bring it back to church, we were getting ready for Mass and Anthony pushed Felicity to the floor. She was being a jerk, she was tired because certain other jerkstores were so noisy this morning they woke her up. I don't want to say who but it was Maria and Veronica. Veronica came marching over to my side of the bed and said "Mommy, me and Maria want you to come downstairs". I asked what time it was and she said "7:01". My first thought was crap, now I have to get up with them this Sunday and NEXT Sunday too, for stupid Fathers' Day. Anyways, they were up early and they are noisy and they woke up Felicity and Anthony and that makes them grumpy. So I said to Mike, I'm not going to church with all of them, I'm not doing it! Last week we had to really wrestle Anthony to go to Communion, the week before he took OFF HIS PANTS, I mean, COME ON! I'm not doing it. I said I would go later and I thought, I'm not going. I'm not going, I thought, I don't believe in this bullshit anyway and besides I am sick. Sick in the head! But now it's 4:41, I started writing this this morning and now I am going to Mass.
This week I went to the funeral of a guy who was 37 years old, he left a wife and two boys, who are like five and seven, or six and eight, or something. It was a strange funeral because his wife (a woman who Mike works with) spoke, so eloquently and beautifully I couldn't get over it. She put aside all her sadness and fear and whatever else and spoke so proudly about her husband, it was something else. I don't know how she did it and at first I didn't know why she did it but then as she talked about her husband and how wonderful he was, and how they could go on without him because he was so great, I thought oh. Oh, she did it for her kids and - I mean, that is incredible, right? That is being a great and responsible parent. Then the priest spoke (he did the homily, sometimes people who aren't Catholic thing anyone can say the homily for a eulogy but they can't. Colleen, the wife, spoke right after they all entered and before the Mass started) and he read from a document that Chris, the man who died, wrote about his experience with cancer that he found out he had in February of this year. He talked about how blessed he was and how grateful he was that he had his faith and friends and he wrote about how LUCKY he felt. It was such a gift, to hear his words and realize that in the face of the disease which ultimately took his life, he felt lucky. It was a really powerful experience.
And that was on THURSDAY and then by Sunday, I was all, I'm not going to church! So I have thought about it a lot today and I don't know why I am in this shitty position, but here I am. It's not as bad as some and it's CERTAINLY worse than some but it's my life. I applied for some jobs and I am trying to heal thyself and we will see how it all turns out.
I am so jealous and envious of people, of normal people. I don't know how I got to this point in my life. I am forty six years old and I work as a waitress at $2 and hour plus tips but a lot of those tips suck because I wait on mostly old people who are mean and - I mean mean like cheap and they are also sometimes mean like crappy to me. I can't go to work until Mike comes home to watch the kids, so sometimes I'm late and I have to stay at this bad job because no one else will put up with someone being late all the damned time. I can't get a babysitter to stay with the kids because Anthony has to be picked up, by ME, every day at 4:30. We could have him transported home but that costs $12 a day and guess what, we don't have it! We can't pay a babysitter because we don't have the money, we can't get Anthony a ride home because we don't have the money, I have to go to work because we don't have the money. There are people at work who want to make all the money, so I have to fight for every table, fight for every dollar, and I'm so sick of it. I keep thinking I am better than this but guess what? I am not. I would try to take some pride in my work but guess what? We can't afford that, either.
Anthony has been grabbing at us and hitting us for like six months now? Nine? A long time. It's gotten MUCH better at his therapy center, he doesn't do it at all anymore because they have taught him that they'll just ignore it. But we can't ignore it. He pulled Felicity to the floor today, should I advise her to ignore it? She doesn't do anything I say, so I doubt it would work. I spent a lot of time in the last two weeks calling his neurologist, well his nurse because guess what? The actual doctor can't spend time talking to a plebe like me on the phone. I iterated my concerns and she said that she'd talk to him and call me back and she did, she said he said it sounded like it was behavioral so we should talk to his ABA therapy people about it. Ohhhh, I wanted to say, I hadn't thought of that! Thanks! But of course we have talked to them, they ignore it and it stops but we can't ignore it. They are having home therapy here so that Anthony can behave here like he does at home but guess what? That is a giant pain for me, to have to try and work with Anthony while also amusing the other children whose every demand must be met immediately or there is so much yelling and screaming and then Anthony knocks them down and um, new plan!
My neck hurts all the time from being violently pulled to the floor. I am so tired and nervous that I am getting a tic. I had to stop drinking because I'm worried I'm drinking to much, for escape, but who wouldn't want to escape this drudgery? I clean like a slave because if I'm not constantly cleaning up food of the floor, the ants completely take over.
This morning, to bring it back to church, we were getting ready for Mass and Anthony pushed Felicity to the floor. She was being a jerk, she was tired because certain other jerkstores were so noisy this morning they woke her up. I don't want to say who but it was Maria and Veronica. Veronica came marching over to my side of the bed and said "Mommy, me and Maria want you to come downstairs". I asked what time it was and she said "7:01". My first thought was crap, now I have to get up with them this Sunday and NEXT Sunday too, for stupid Fathers' Day. Anyways, they were up early and they are noisy and they woke up Felicity and Anthony and that makes them grumpy. So I said to Mike, I'm not going to church with all of them, I'm not doing it! Last week we had to really wrestle Anthony to go to Communion, the week before he took OFF HIS PANTS, I mean, COME ON! I'm not doing it. I said I would go later and I thought, I'm not going. I'm not going, I thought, I don't believe in this bullshit anyway and besides I am sick. Sick in the head! But now it's 4:41, I started writing this this morning and now I am going to Mass.
This week I went to the funeral of a guy who was 37 years old, he left a wife and two boys, who are like five and seven, or six and eight, or something. It was a strange funeral because his wife (a woman who Mike works with) spoke, so eloquently and beautifully I couldn't get over it. She put aside all her sadness and fear and whatever else and spoke so proudly about her husband, it was something else. I don't know how she did it and at first I didn't know why she did it but then as she talked about her husband and how wonderful he was, and how they could go on without him because he was so great, I thought oh. Oh, she did it for her kids and - I mean, that is incredible, right? That is being a great and responsible parent. Then the priest spoke (he did the homily, sometimes people who aren't Catholic thing anyone can say the homily for a eulogy but they can't. Colleen, the wife, spoke right after they all entered and before the Mass started) and he read from a document that Chris, the man who died, wrote about his experience with cancer that he found out he had in February of this year. He talked about how blessed he was and how grateful he was that he had his faith and friends and he wrote about how LUCKY he felt. It was such a gift, to hear his words and realize that in the face of the disease which ultimately took his life, he felt lucky. It was a really powerful experience.
And that was on THURSDAY and then by Sunday, I was all, I'm not going to church! So I have thought about it a lot today and I don't know why I am in this shitty position, but here I am. It's not as bad as some and it's CERTAINLY worse than some but it's my life. I applied for some jobs and I am trying to heal thyself and we will see how it all turns out.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Days
Here's how yesterday went:
I woke up to the sound of Maria, blaring away like a trumpet. I got up and then I looked at the clock and I said to Mike, it's not even 7:00! He said, we get up early, Joanne, we're like lumberjacks. I said I think maybe lumberjacks go to bed earlier than we do. Tuesday night was my first night off since the previous Thursday, and these weekends at this insanely busy restaurant where I'm working are sort of killing me, I sleep like the dead anymore. Anyways, we got up and got Maria ready to go to school, she and Mike left around 7:30 or so.
I got Felicity dressed, Veronica was already in clothes that she had picked out with Mike, so I didn't have to worry about her. I got all of Anthony's bags together, one with food that they had requested at his school, one with his braces and shoes, and one with his extra clothes and iPad. Then I went upstairs and woke him up, I got him dressed with him lying flat on his stomach, which isn't hard as much as tricky, I have to line up his socks backwards and it's a pain.
Then I got his medicine, 1/2 teaspoon in a syringe, and some soda for bribery, and then I chase him around the house and fold up his hands on his body and then lay down on his hands on his body so I can hold his face with one hand and shoot the medicine with the other. He gags, every time, and then he finally just takes it and then I give him the soda and then I cry a little bit, it's so freaking frustrating, I feel like I am making him sick. Anyways, ::brisk clap:: there is NO time for tears, because I have to put them all in the car. Veronica is the only one who can get in her damned car seat herself, so I strap in the other two, find my phone, start the drive to his school.
There is construction on the road to his school, construction which is supposed to last for TWO YEARS, so it takes us forever to get there and we are late. By the time we get home (we stop to pick up pancakes from Old McDonalds), we've been in the car for 1 hour and ten minutes.
I decide that I should rake the leaves in our side yard, the only one I haven't done yet, so I put gloves and hats and boots on the girls, (it was cold but sunny and I thought they could get some fresh air) and start to rake while they play. I only raked for ten minutes before Veronica had removed her boots and gloves and found some kind of a water source to soak herself in, so she was mad because she was, shocking no one, wet and cold. Here's a picture:
Ooh I was mad clean through! But we all went inside and dried off and warmed up. We went to ballet at 12:00, which means 45 minutes of learning arabesques for Veronica and 45 minutes of me chasing Felicity around the center. She goes outside, climbs up to the water fountain, insists on going in the bathroom to wash her hands, on and on, back and forth for 45 minutes. This is the same place where the lady yelled at me and told me to 'watch my child' when Felicity was messing with one of the thousands of piles of papers they have there, so I am always nervous. We went home and I gave them lunch and decided against putting Felicity down for her nap, as she is not feeling it these days, to quote Mike. At 2:45 we went to get Maria and at 3:15 we picked up Maria, the other girls were already asleep. Maria feels like she deserves a treat every damned day of her life so I told her I'd buy her a half-price shake at Steak and Shake. She, of course, fell asleep on the way there so I just looked like a hog, buying several shakes at the drive through, but whatever. We got home and everyone was grumpy and sad and post-nap angry, but I threw them in the house and gave them their damned shakes and took ten minutes to get ready for work.
At 4:00 we left to get Anthony and we hit so, so much traffic again that we were late. We picked him up and the entire way home Felicity yelled and cried, she had just had it with the damned car. ME TOO, I told her, ME TOO.
We all got home and Mike was already there, we unloaded the kids and I went in and cut up a pepper to eat on the way to work, and THEN I got stuck in MORE traffic and I was like fifteen minutes late for work. It was like 2.5 hours in the car yesterday and I think, what the hell? Am I a stay at home mother or a over the road truck driver? I hate it. I hate my stupid schedule, I hate being so tired all the time, I hate that Felicity is two years old and spends so much time in the car. Veronica hates dropping off Anthony at school, she hates going to get him. I told her yesterday, I don't like it either but at least she is in a million dollar car seat, with her MOVIE OF CHOICE on the DVD player. That wasn't an option when I was a girl, I told her. Back on the prairie, where we often died of things like the common cold. Ha, just kidding I didn't say that last part.
Anyways, I worked until 11:00 and then that was the end of my 16 hour day. It's too much, I think, sometimes. I went to confession last week and I - I guess it was two weeks ago by now- told the priest that I struggle so much with patience, patience with my children and my husband, the people to whom I should be the kindest! He was very nice, he always is, he said I should try and take a few moments each day to really just unplug my heart, to just let everything out and feel everything, without judging it or having expectations of what I should be like, as a mother, and a wife. He was very nice but all I could think was I will never get a few moments a day where I can be left alone like that.
I don't know. So often I feel like I am doing it all wrong, like other people seem to be enjoying their lives or at least not miserable curs like I am, are they all lying? Faking? I hope so. Or I hope they are more simple minded, that's what I tell myself sometimes. I am so miserable because I'm so SMART. I don't know. I am putting Felicity in preschool one more day a week and hoping for the best.
I woke up to the sound of Maria, blaring away like a trumpet. I got up and then I looked at the clock and I said to Mike, it's not even 7:00! He said, we get up early, Joanne, we're like lumberjacks. I said I think maybe lumberjacks go to bed earlier than we do. Tuesday night was my first night off since the previous Thursday, and these weekends at this insanely busy restaurant where I'm working are sort of killing me, I sleep like the dead anymore. Anyways, we got up and got Maria ready to go to school, she and Mike left around 7:30 or so.
I got Felicity dressed, Veronica was already in clothes that she had picked out with Mike, so I didn't have to worry about her. I got all of Anthony's bags together, one with food that they had requested at his school, one with his braces and shoes, and one with his extra clothes and iPad. Then I went upstairs and woke him up, I got him dressed with him lying flat on his stomach, which isn't hard as much as tricky, I have to line up his socks backwards and it's a pain.
Then I got his medicine, 1/2 teaspoon in a syringe, and some soda for bribery, and then I chase him around the house and fold up his hands on his body and then lay down on his hands on his body so I can hold his face with one hand and shoot the medicine with the other. He gags, every time, and then he finally just takes it and then I give him the soda and then I cry a little bit, it's so freaking frustrating, I feel like I am making him sick. Anyways, ::brisk clap:: there is NO time for tears, because I have to put them all in the car. Veronica is the only one who can get in her damned car seat herself, so I strap in the other two, find my phone, start the drive to his school.
There is construction on the road to his school, construction which is supposed to last for TWO YEARS, so it takes us forever to get there and we are late. By the time we get home (we stop to pick up pancakes from Old McDonalds), we've been in the car for 1 hour and ten minutes.
I decide that I should rake the leaves in our side yard, the only one I haven't done yet, so I put gloves and hats and boots on the girls, (it was cold but sunny and I thought they could get some fresh air) and start to rake while they play. I only raked for ten minutes before Veronica had removed her boots and gloves and found some kind of a water source to soak herself in, so she was mad because she was, shocking no one, wet and cold. Here's a picture:
At 4:00 we left to get Anthony and we hit so, so much traffic again that we were late. We picked him up and the entire way home Felicity yelled and cried, she had just had it with the damned car. ME TOO, I told her, ME TOO.
We all got home and Mike was already there, we unloaded the kids and I went in and cut up a pepper to eat on the way to work, and THEN I got stuck in MORE traffic and I was like fifteen minutes late for work. It was like 2.5 hours in the car yesterday and I think, what the hell? Am I a stay at home mother or a over the road truck driver? I hate it. I hate my stupid schedule, I hate being so tired all the time, I hate that Felicity is two years old and spends so much time in the car. Veronica hates dropping off Anthony at school, she hates going to get him. I told her yesterday, I don't like it either but at least she is in a million dollar car seat, with her MOVIE OF CHOICE on the DVD player. That wasn't an option when I was a girl, I told her. Back on the prairie, where we often died of things like the common cold. Ha, just kidding I didn't say that last part.
Anyways, I worked until 11:00 and then that was the end of my 16 hour day. It's too much, I think, sometimes. I went to confession last week and I - I guess it was two weeks ago by now- told the priest that I struggle so much with patience, patience with my children and my husband, the people to whom I should be the kindest! He was very nice, he always is, he said I should try and take a few moments each day to really just unplug my heart, to just let everything out and feel everything, without judging it or having expectations of what I should be like, as a mother, and a wife. He was very nice but all I could think was I will never get a few moments a day where I can be left alone like that.
I don't know. So often I feel like I am doing it all wrong, like other people seem to be enjoying their lives or at least not miserable curs like I am, are they all lying? Faking? I hope so. Or I hope they are more simple minded, that's what I tell myself sometimes. I am so miserable because I'm so SMART. I don't know. I am putting Felicity in preschool one more day a week and hoping for the best.
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