Vocation

Tonight I was feeding the baby and watching a documentary about this nun who used to be an actress. I read about it last year, it might have been nominated for an Oscar. Anyway. I was watching it and I had an epiphany. The former actress, who is now the mother superior, was talking about how hard it was when she was first a novice. Then another woman, a nun, talked about how hard it was for her, and yet another novice was shown crying to the mother about how miserable she was.

I think I've always thought of nuns and priests as having callings to the religious life and just being sure of their choice. I figured they had a calling from God and that fueled them to be happy and leave their former lives behind. But today I was thinking, I have a calling, too. I am called to the married life and to be the mother of these four kids and just because I have a calling doesn't mean I'm not going to have doubts or be sad sometimes. It is very freeing to believe that. And even if I'm wrong, who cares? It's the first time in years that I've had the feeling that maybe someday I'll be happier and more content. Maybe at some point in the near future I'll feel confident I made the right choice. Because you should have seen those nuns now, they seemed right where they should be. Well, not the novice. She was still a mess, like I am, but she was new, I figured. She won't feel that way forever! And I won't either. Probably.

Our Song

I am linking up to this on this blog because it's from a Catholic writer I read.

Our wedding song is You Send Me, but I also think of Here, There and Everywhere and especially God Only Knows as our songs. Neither of the last two are good dance songs though, and You Send Me is a nice rhumba, so that's what we chose for our wedding. I always thought my wedding song would be True Love Ways by Buddy Holly but I guess Mike didn't think of it as our song. He did play it when he asked me to marry him, which I remember thinking was just adorable and perfect. He told me he liked Here There and Everywhere but it seemed to focus too much on the girl in the situation, so I nixed it for our wedding song. I remember, though, that I told my mom that that was the song he liked and she listened to it and said that if that was how he felt about me, I should definitely marry him.

God Only Knows is the best song, even if the first lyric is 'I may not always love you'. It's so beautiful and the thrust of it is something that really speaks to me with regard to marriage, especially now that we have all these kids. I really, really feel that way - God only knows what I'd be without Mike. Now that we're together, I don't feel like I'd be me anymore, without him.

You Send Me is a perfect wedding song, in my opinion. It's a good dance song, it's beautifully sung, and the lyrics are perfect. I'll tell you what my first choice was and that's You Sexy Thing. I couldn't imagine dancing to it at my wedding reception but I love it. 'I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you?'. I loved it and I could totally relate to the lyrics. It did seem like a miracle that Mike and I found each other. I did need him! I still do.

Anyway, back to You Send Me. Here are the pertinent lyrics: at first I thought it was infatuation, but ooh it's lasted so long. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home'. You send me, you thrill me, honest you do. As time goes by, Mike still sends me, still thrills me, but in such a different way. Honest, he does, honest he does, honest he does.

Here's a picture of us dancing, and a note about it. We took lessons at an Arthur Murray type place before we got married and I always recommend it to couples who ask. It didn't cost too much money, and it was such a nice thing for us to do once a week in the time working up to our wedding. It was also nice to know exactly what was going to happen with at least ONE thing that day. Also, I'll never forget this - we started dancing and the crowd went wild! It was so funny, it never occurred to me that it looked good, just that it felt really good. Anyways, it was wonderful and we danced a lot that season, we went to our wedding and my friend Chrissy's wedding and it was nice to know what we were doing. Here's a picture from our wedding, actually we were practicing before our wedding in the basement of the church.

Rules

Ugh, I know I am posting a lot but I'm so frustrated. Yesterday, two friends of mine posted an article (I am too lazy to find it) about a woman who was denied communion at her mother's funeral. It said that the priest said he couldn't give her communion because she lived with another woman. If a priest had knowledge of that, I suppose he couldn't give her communion, that's a fact. It seems KIND of weird that he would know that she was living with this woman, but whatever, if he did, the thing to do would be to not give her communion, although I guess he could have handled it better, i.e. talked to her before Mass. It then said that he walked out while she was giving the eulogy, and that he fell ill (or pretended to) so that he didn't go to the graveyard. The woman said she was a life long Catholic AND that she didn't think her sexual orientation would have anything to do with receiving Communion.

So. The communion thing is clear, I guess. My question is, why was she going to communion if she was aware of being NOT in a state of grace? I bet I know the answer, I bet she was not a church goer and was not a confession goer and had no intention of changing her life, which is all fine. It is hard to live your life according to the rule of the Catholic church, I agree! We are all sinners, the way I figure it. What I don't understand is WHY are you marching up for communion if you know all these things? If you were, to use a phrase I despise, "raised Catholic?". If you don't go to church anymore, if you don't believe in it, then don't TAKE COMMUNION! Sheesh! And I have no idea how someone could be raised in the church, be a life long Catholic, and not be clear on the homosexuality thing. Really? REALLY?

As far as the eulogy goes - no one except the priest is supposed to give the homily. This is also a fact. People want to have a more personal reflection of the person who died, at a funeral, which is COMPLETELY understandable, but if you want to do that, I think you should either talk after the Mass, or do something at the funeral home. Or better yet, at the wake after the funeral. I think a lot of people forget that a funeral Mass is a Mass and has rules, just like every other frickety fracken Mass that they have.

A friend of mine was saying that the priest was giving her trouble about playing a spiritual at her mother's funeral. It was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, and a favorite of her mom's. They did play it, as a recessional, which makes perfect sense to me, both because of the lyrics of the song (coming for to carry me home) and because it was outside of the Mass. Personally, I think a priest presiding over a funeral mass for a mom who died very young should try to err on the side of the KINDLY but people are imperfect, I guess.

I think a lot of people don't know about the rules of the Mass, or about having to have sacred music for a Mass, because a lot of churches have gotten very lax about it and it's confusing. But just because people don't know about it, or because they are constantly showing movies where they are playing the wedding march at a Catholic church, doesn't mean it's not true. I feel like such a jerk, but I also feel I have to defend the church. Because I am insane.

Kids

Yesterday we all went to Mass together, as we've been doing for around four weeks in a row. Veronica was hateful, horrible BAD! during Mass so finally Mike took her out to the car. She fell asleep so hard when we got home, I assume she didn't feel good or was super tired or something and that's why she was so bad. Anyways, I took a picture of her and put it on Facebook and said basically that. A friend of mine posted a comment that said "I will never understand why you CATHOLICS TORTURE YOURSELVES AND YOUR CHILDREN by expecting them to sit still for an HOUR! That's what you GET!". I was all, what in the who now? First of all, this girl is a Christian Scientist, which is a much maligned church and second of all, an hour's not really SUPER long. I take the girls to a frickety fracken story hour at the library and they sit there for most of that. Also, we don't expect her to sit exactly still or we whack her hands with a ruler or anything. She brings a book, we will gladly take her to the foyer, she just can't run up the damned aisle or SLAP at her father's FACE! GOD! What is wrong with people?

But it made me think, typically Catholics don't have Cry Rooms or whatever. We were always expected to just behave in church. If we didn't, and sometimes we didn't, we got spanked after church. I don't care so much, it wasn't TRAUMATIZING or anything but Mike and I don't want to do it so we have to discipline in other ways. So I was thinking why do we torture ourselves? Why do we take them all? I work on Saturdays so we have to go on Sunday and we would rather be together than alone at home with them all. It's good for Anthony to practice sitting and being quiet (and not smacking the head of the guy in front of him, which he did this week). I think God is right there in that church and I like to bring my family there. So that way when I pray for them, I can be all, "These people! Right here! THESE are the ones that I am praying for!".

I have to run, Felicity is crying, but I wanted to get that thought down before it flitted out of my ears.

HHS Mandate

Here's my long thoughtful post on the Health and Human Services mandate that all institutions that provide health care for their employees, including Catholic employers, have to provide birth control, including known abortifacients.

That is a violation of the First Amendment, which prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances.

And as I say to Maria 1000 times a day, that's it. Period. The end.

I Smell Children!

The title refers to that awful guy in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the one who can smell out the children? Before I was married and had kids, I used to always imitate him when I was working in a restaurant and had to wait on lots of kids. It's mean, I know.

Which brings me to my next point. There's a blogger that I follow on Twitter, and she pointed to a post by another blogger, and it concerned me for several reasons.

We are having a conversation about it, of sorts, on Twitter, but I wanted to quickly write out this post because, funnily enough, I have to get ready to go to Mass. Mike just got back from 9:30 and I am going to 11:30.

Before I had Felicity, we all went to church together at what we thought would be our new church. We would all go in and sit and then when Anthony got too loud (and hoo boy can that get loud), either Mike or I would take him out into the huge foyer that they have at this church. It was ... not great. First of all, we had to stop taking turns because Mike had to take him to the toilet once we started training. Second, and this was more problematic, everyone and their brother came out to the lobby during Mass and it got a little crowded and a little hard to hear the priest. Also, if you stand near the doors, you can see everyone coming late (and I do mean late, like barely in time for Communion!) and it's a little disheartening to be out in the foyer because your child can't behave and to see all these neuro-typical people behaving horribly, just because they can. Is that irony? I can never tell.

Now that I've had Felicity, I usually take her on Saturday nights and Mike takes - well, he used to take Maria and Veronica but now he just takes Maria because Veronica is HORRIBLY behaved. She's loud, she takes off her shoes and blows you a raspberry when you tell her to put them back on, she runs up toward the altar, etc. There's no way for Mike to bring them both.

So I read this post and I think, hmmm. Really? Really we're not setting a good example for our kids? We're not taking responsibility for our children because we don't take them to Mass? Veronica is TWO! What is she getting out of Mass?

It is a great, great concern of mine, about Anthony and God. I pray every day that he will some day come to know God in a more real way. I would love it if he could make his Communion in a real way. I think he can make his First Communion regardless but I would like for him to know what is going on and be able to express stuff enough for Confession. If Sacraments give us grace, I wonder, where is he going to get his? I mean - I know that he is taken care of, I truly believe that God loves Anthony and that somewhere in his heart, Anthony knows God (as well as any 6.5 year old anyway) but I worry about this stuff anyway, is my point, and then to read a post that basically confirms my worries is ... um, worrisome.

Also, I flat out don't think kids of a certain age should go to Mass. I don't really think it's cute for a two year old to be waving her hands around at the Host. It drives me MAD when people talk about Jesus and the Suffer the Children quote, because, fine, those kids were AROUND in town or whatever, but you notice there were NONE at the Last Supper! They weren't invited, probably, because they should have been in BED!

So we disagree, this blogger and I, about kids at Mass. But I also disagree with sweeping statements like:

As Catholics:

We say that we are champions of Life, but are unwilling to help the unwed, pregnant mother.

We say that it’s everyone’s job to help those in need, but avert our eyes and shift in our seats when the beggar comes into the Mass.

We talk about how children are a blessing and the future of our Church, but we don’t want children interrupting OUR Mass.

We talk about how Jesus loves everyone and we should too, but then kick our son or daughter out of the house when they reveal to us they are gay.

Um, what Catholics are doing this? I used to go to church with some people in New York that I'm SURE didn't have a home. Almost all the churches I went to in the city were commuter churches and didn't have a regular parish EXCEPT FOR the homeless people. I can't speak for myself because I am not great with the volunteer work lately but my mother has been a long time volunteer for Birthline, which TOTALLY helps the unwed, pregnant mother. And believe me, she has OPINIONS about being unwed and pregnant, which have nothing to do with the help that she gives people. We are ALL sinners, I figure, and we all need help.

I just think there are a lot of sweeping statements in this post. I have a hard time when Catholics make sweeping and possibly untrue statements about Catholics because I feel like we get a hard enough time from everybody else!

That said, I am happy to have another Catholic blogger to follow, even if we don't completely agree.

Confession

I can't believe how people seem to feel about Confession. I think a lot of people think of Confession as a very antiquated, old-fashioned thing that Catholics 'used to do'. I'm sure I felt that way, before Mike went through RCIA and I realized not only the importance of Confession, but the rule that says that you are supposed to go at least once a year. Our priest always suggests that you go four times a year, during Lent, Advent, and ... two other times that I am too harried to think of. When people tell him that they have nothing to confess, he always tells them that the Pope goes once a week! What do you suppose they are doing right that the Holy Father isn't doing? Ha! Nothing! We all need the grace given to us by going to Confession - it's a sacrament just like Holy Communion. Who are we to deny grace given by God?

I have a friend who is a Protestant and she is kind of mystified by Confession, as are a lot of people, Catholics included! The big thing, for people, it seems, is that you have to go THROUGH someone to get to God. Why, these people wonder, can't you just go to God directly? Well, of course you can, you can pray to God and ask God's forgiveness with no problem, obviously. But the sacrament of Confession is one that rules that you confess your sins to a priest - a priest, who is not the same as you. He is able to listen to your confession, to give you your penance prayers, and then to forget everything you said. I think it's amazing.

Ugh, I cannot STAND bold, bad Catholics. I mean, we are all sinners, I feel confident, but to just boldly ignore the rules of the Church and CROW about it on Facebook or whatever? It's rude and it's childish and it's annoying. I read this one woman who is always talking about how she'll just LEAVE the church if they 'make' them cover their hair, or if they 'make' them say different prayers. To that I say, LEAVE! BYE! My guess is that you are already ignoring the rules of the Church with the most famous transgression, practicing birth control, that you don't belong there anyway. No one even wonders about birth control anymore - no one even inquires. A friend of mine laughingly told me about how in her pre-cana classes, the priest had mentioned Natural Family Planning, and she and her husband laughed and laughed at the priest. Lovely.

But I wanted to say, about Confession, that I truly think that it is saving my spiritual life, ha, such as it is. The other day I went to church and it was PACKED. Some guy gave me his seat, but then a super old guy came in, so I gave him MY seat and I was standing out in the foyer, but it was freezing and there were a bunch of LOUD kids out there, so I figured I would just go stand online for confession. I wanted to go anyway and I figured that way I could stand and follow the Mass but also get to confession. So anyway, it was a visiting priest and I told him the usual, which is that I am impatient with my children and husband and that I worry that I have a severe lack of faith. He told me, among other things, that God loved me so much, that Gold wanted me to be very, very happy. And, I mean, I KNOW that, but it was something about hearing that sweet lilty voice say it, it really struck me. Or maybe I could just hear it more because I was on my way to being in a complete state of grace. I don't know, but following that Sunday, I had a very upsetting week and a lot of stuff happened and all I could think all week was that God loved me so much! That he wanted me to be so happy! I figured I better get on it, if that was the case, and it's really helped me. So far, so good.