I am falling apart. I haven't slept six hours in a row in I don't know how long. I look at pictures of myself and I think holy crap! Do I really have giant bags under my eyes like that? Do people who I am serving in the restaurant see that? Do they feel sorry for me? I would, I'd also be worried. All I want to do is sleep and be normal. I just can't imagine it, I can't go to bed early enough to get any normal amount of sleep. I can't believe I have dealing with this bullshit for TEN years.
I broke my wrist in March, I have what was regular carpal tunnel which has turned into nightmare carpal tunnel, so I have to wear braces on both hands every night just so I can wake up and not have them be burning with pain. They are always burning, but it's so much worse if I don't wear my braces. Like six weeks ago, or so, my knee went out one night at work and I guess it's because I have arthritis? Normal degeneration of a knee cap for someone my age? And weight? No one has said the weight part but that's just math and science, right? More weight on a degenerating kneecap is worse right?, worse than less weight? Too bad I can't work out, I cant even go walking, so I am as fat as ever.
Felicity comes in and wakes us up like three or four nights out of seven. She'll come in anywhere from 1:00 to 5:00, we prefer earlier because then there's a chance we'll get back to sleep. Although it's not *always* better, sometimes she is up from 1:00-3:00 or 4:00. Mike is sleeping with a CPAP so I want to leave him alone but some nights I give up because I'm afraid I'm going to throw her out the window and jump out right behind her.
I have cut back my hours at the restaurant again, just one night a week for now and two starting in October. We got a letter of denial of coverage from Anthony's insurance company, they just started covering him in March! FOUR MONTHS! I am hopeful that we know more now and we will be able to prove that it is medically necessary for him to have the ABA therapy that has been prescribed by a doctor. Also we are suing A*nthem, maybe, so maybe that will help. Maybe if we successfully sue his previous insurance company, his present one will BE COOL, like killing a guy right when you get to mail.
Mike is falling apart too, his back is thrown. It's so hard. It's so hard to be so old and be dealing with these little kids. I never thought it would be this hard and I don't think I can do it. I think, well, be brave! Surely you have been through worse, but the fact is, I haven't. So maybe I can do it but I have no proof.
I finished my one year novena, the prayers of St. Brigid. So far, no miracles, but maybe it's a miracle that I've gotten this far?
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
The Week
The week goes like this: On Monday, Mike works from home which makes everything easier, just because there is another adult in the house. If I want to go for a walk or to the bank or whatever, I just can. Today, Maria and Veronica are going to VBS at their school (and our church) so I'm dropping them off and it will just be Felicity until like 12, then we are supposed to meet friends and play this afternoon. Tonight we have no scheduled plans so we will just have dinner and hang out.
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday - Friday we have regular summer days, the pool, M and V have VBS through Wednesday, we go to parks, the library for our summer reading program, etc.
Then on Friday night I go to work. Work is kind of awful these days. When I started, the general manager loved me and wanted the best for me, he was really good to me and seemed to recognize that I had worth and was good at my job and it was great. The assistant GM was the same, he used to say he was the "number one Joanne fan", I mean, things were great! Then the GM quit and the AGM also left and now we have a new GM and AGM and it's not the same. I was out for 7 weeks with my wrist and now I am scheduled Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night and either Sunday brunch or Sunday night or both.
So I work all weekend and the manager is NOT the same as my old GM, he is so young and so different, he doesn't particularly think or say that I am good at my job, he seems to have a - is it a Theory X style of management? Where you think everyone is a jerk and no one wants to work and the only way to motivate people is to browbeat them or shame them into it? He's like that, and also young enough to be my child in a way that would not even be a scandal, soooo. It sucks. So Friday night I worked and it was busy and I was there until 10:30 or 11:00 and then I went and had drinks with a friend of mine who was visiting. Saturday I got up at 6:00 even though I didn't have to get up until 7:00 but my fingers burn with pain in the night so I have to sit up sometimes to make it better. I worked from 8:00 until 1:00 or so, it was painfully slow and I only waited on ONE table. I went home and cleaned some and hung out some and took a short nap and went back to work at 5:30. It was ALSO slow but in my many years of restaurant experience, I have found that in the summer it will never really get busy until the sun goes down. But they are so eager to cut me, both managers mentioned it and I was confused - well I wasn't, really but it was confusing. In the day I was doing nothing, no one had come in and no one was coming in but I had to stay and stay and then in the night I had nothing, few people had come in and they were eager to get rid of me. Do you know what the difference is? It's that during the day, the person who was suffering by me staying there was another waitress and at night the person who would be suffering by me staying was a bartender - a male bartender. If I left, he would get all the tables that came in and then he'd make more money and they want the male bartenders (there are no female bartenders) to make all the money so they can keep them. They want to keep MOST of them, I should say, because they fired one the next day. So maybe that was it, they were trying to keep the bartender happy since they knew they were getting rid of the other one? I don't know, all I know is that I said maybe we should wait until 8:00 so that we'd have a clearer picture of how the night was going to go and a table came in, two people, at 7:40 and the GM said to let the bartender have it and I could be cut. Then another four people came in and then six people came in and then I walked by a little bit later and I saw at least two more people. And I'm sure the bartender had a great night and the hell with me. And did I say that I had requested off that night but it was not granted to me because too many other people had requested off before me? Oh it is infuriating, I basically worked all day and sold $200 and made like $33. All day!
But I was out early so I met my friends again for dinner and then went home and went to bed. Sunday we went to 10:30 Mass, all of us, which went okay but Anthony got kind of stirred up by these JERKSTORES that came in during the homily, 25 minutes after Mass started and 20 minutes before they left, because of effing COURSE they left after communion. They were laughing and giggling - grown ups!, these were, and oh, how I hated them. I took Anthony outside at one point and he ran from me, I scraped up against the limestone and hurt my arm, he sat down THREE times on the way to and back from communion, but overall it went pretty well. We stopped by Dunkin Donuts on the way home and then my friends who were in town came by before they left so we visited for a little bit. After they left, I took the girls to the Knights of Columbus for a picnic for our church, it was fun and the girls had a HIGH old time swimming with their friends. We had to leave at 4 so I could come home and get ready to go back to work for 5:00. I got there and went to find out my section and the hostess said she didn't have me on the floor plan. I asked the assistant GM what was up and he said he had forgotten that I was working. I mean, come on.
But it was an okay night, I waited on a table of seven people, one of whom was a woman I worked with 10 years ago, who I hadn't seen in forever and I really liked her a lot, and it was a big table, lots of drinks, desserts, etc. Everyone else I waited on was kind of boring, water drinkers, iced tea, one lady had just a salad, etc. I got finished at 10:00 and came the hell home.
This morning I took M and V to VBS and Felicity screamed and screamed and screamed and HOWLED and screamed because she couldn't stay. It's extremely mortifying and also I might have hearing damage. She's fine now but my LORD. I talked to her about it, I told her she wasn't old enough but we would have fun, blah blah blah and ... nothing! It's like I didn't say anything. She drives me bananas. And now it's almost 10:00 and I have to get the girls at 11:45 which is like NO TIME AT ALL.
Anyway, my point is these weeks are kind of hard, long, but the weekends are worse! Ha!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Lent
Every Lent I go through this - well probably every almost spring, and it just coincides with Lent. I feel so grumpy and sad and depressed and I think what the heck? Why is it making me feel so bad to do all this extra praying and fasting? I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I had any feeling like it would get better after Easter, in fact it would make me feel very holy and great if I thought I was working toward something.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
But the thing about being depressed and sad is that you don't feel like it's ever going to get better. Not in 25 days and not EVER, maybe. Every morning I drive the girls to school and since the time change (which is not killing me, by the way, lord lord do people complain about DST, sheesh!) it's SUPER dark out at 715 and people just do not put their lights on! This morning it's raining and people were driving by me, on our pothole-ridden streets, without their lights on and just JUMPING from side to side to avoid their cars going into a sinkhole, but without their LIGHTS on. In the dark. Who does this? What are they thinking? "It's morning time so I don't need my lights! The only lights you need are the lights you need at NIGHT!". What the hell?
And also? Everyone I see is texting. EVERYONE. No one will be put on their lights in the dark and no one will drive on the right side of the road and everyone is texting. I am so tense and pinched up by the time I get home, I can't stand myself and it's not even 8:00 in the morning.
Yesterday I tried to get my stupid car fixed and my stupid phone fixed and both things went super badly. I mean, I got the van fixed but I only got the recalled fuel pump fixed and not the broken window fixed and I got my phone fixed but it cost $100 and they were supposed to call by 1:00 and say that it was fixed and when I called at 2:00 to say how's it going, the guy said oh yes, it's done we just forgot to call, sorry. They never called about the van either. We just had to call and three times because they could never seem to find the car! I mean, I don't know what to do with such b.s., I don't know how to move forward through life.
And now today it's raining and the walk into Felicity's preschool is approximately three miles and it has the crappiest drainage ever so you have to walk through giant puddles, SUPER slowly and you don't have an umbrella because Felicity has to carry it and everyone hates you because they can't get around your fat ass and the umbrella holding toddler.
Ugh. UGH. SO I came home and laid on the couch and slept all morning and I've gotten nothing done but I have a chance now to exercise but I just don't know if I will. I don't want to. I'm tired and cold and TIRED.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Briefly
For the LOVE of all that is GOOD and HOLY, Pope Francis, while a wonderful Pope and Vicar of God on Earth, is not breaking any new ground by agreeing that the Big Bang happened! The Catholic church has never refuted this, nor the Theory of Evolution.
I don't know what is happening with this Pope and the media but it is very creepy. Yesterday on FB, I saw where a (Non-Catholic) friend posted about the "news" about the Pope and the Big Bang Theory and someone called Pope Benedict a Nazi and said that it was good that he retired when he realized he was no longer relevant. I ... um, ... what?
I can't think of another organization that has such misinformation passed about it and it's just A-OKAY with all the pedants int he world who would DEMAND better information about anyone else. It is driving me bananas.
Here's a link to some information about the CATHOLIC PRIEST who is given credit for proposing the BIG BANG THEORY. Just FYI. As I tweeted to my friend who retweeted a joke from Dr. Ruth regarding the Pope deciding that the Church is okay with the Big Bang Theory, the Catholic church has always been okay with it. #themoreyouknow
I don't know what is happening with this Pope and the media but it is very creepy. Yesterday on FB, I saw where a (Non-Catholic) friend posted about the "news" about the Pope and the Big Bang Theory and someone called Pope Benedict a Nazi and said that it was good that he retired when he realized he was no longer relevant. I ... um, ... what?
I can't think of another organization that has such misinformation passed about it and it's just A-OKAY with all the pedants int he world who would DEMAND better information about anyone else. It is driving me bananas.
Here's a link to some information about the CATHOLIC PRIEST who is given credit for proposing the BIG BANG THEORY. Just FYI. As I tweeted to my friend who retweeted a joke from Dr. Ruth regarding the Pope deciding that the Church is okay with the Big Bang Theory, the Catholic church has always been okay with it. #themoreyouknow
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Duggars
I don't think I've seen more than five minutes all together of any of those Nineteen and Counting shows, and I don't really have any opinion about all those Duggars, but I find myself getting kind of mad when people go on and on about them.
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
I don't know why - is it because I have four kids and people seem to think that's a lot and I think that it's none of their business? I mean, they have nineteen! I think maybe that Mrs. Duggar is my age or maybe a year younger than I am, so maybe that's it? I do know I abhor and despise when people make the it's a vagina, not a clown car joke. My cousin said that one day on Facebook and I said actually, no one carries a baby in their vagina, it wouldn't fit. You dummy, I added silently. I hate when people say that someone had all these kids (like FOUR) and you know, that their uterus is going to fall out. I mean, my uterus is fine, not that I feel like I should have to say that, but it is. It is the same size as a pear, from what I hear, just like it was in 2004 before I ever got pregnant. I just - I don't feel like people should have the right to talk about my uterus because they read some urban myth about someone's uterus falling out or whatever the hell. Why can't it be my body and my choice? Why can't we not judge me the same way we trip all over ourselves not to judge anyone else? Arggggh it makes me crazy.
Another friend of mine said that she read that the Duggar who is getting married is doing pre-marriage counseling with their Dad, Joe Bob or whatever his name is ... Jim Bob? I can't remember. Anyway, I think he is maybe their minister too, and we did our pre-marriage talking with our priest and I - I mean, we didn't really talk about sex too much. Mike and I do pre-marriage counseling with couples at our church and we don't really get into it too deeply - I mean, it's awkward. It's probably not as awkward as with your Dad, but it wasn't SUPER comfortable talking to my priest about it. The thing is, though, even though our priest has never been married, I wasn't really going to counseling for him about that. He was there as kind of an expert in what God wants for our marriage, and maybe to give us tips on how to be happy? Maybe? I don't know. My friend was also mad because if Jim Bob said no, his daughter couldn't get married, she wouldn't. I don't know - I mean, I feel like if my Dad said you can't marry Mike, I probably wouldn't have. Not that he lords over me, or makes the rules, but I mean, it would be a major problem is my parents said I couldn't marry the man that I was going to.
I feel like - I was thinking today, everyone is mad at the Duggars, specifically because they don't teach their daughters to be college-going woman, to be whatever and whoever they want to be. Also because the dad can say "don't marry that guy" to his daughter and she wouldn't. Also because they keep having all these kids, and they had the one baby who was super premature and has had some problems. I was thinking about them because this novena that I'm doing is mostly about the end of your life, and being in heaven, and - ha, I was going to say blah blah blah but I don't mean that. But it's a lot about Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize, I guess, and I was thinking I mean, I think it's just their religious beliefs that make them the way that they are. I think that Mrs. Duggar - what is her first name? I have no idea. Anyway, that she thinks Jim Bob is in charge and that their kids probably think that they should honor their mother and father. And I think don't we really try, in this country and society, allegedly TRY to respect people's religious beliefs? I think we do, until they come in direct competition with our beliefs. Like it's upsetting to hear that someone is doing whatever their father says, even to the point that they wouldn't marry someone if their father didn't approve. It's upsetting to think that Mrs. Duggar - I looked it up, Michelle, that Michelle Duggar is doing whatever Jim Bob says, because what if she is saying, hey Jim Bob, enough with the kids already, my uterus is falling out and he is saying TOO BAD!? I mean, that would be terrible. But there is no proof that that's what's happening, we just disagree that women should be told that the best they can be is a mother and wife. I take offense at that because the best thing I can be, right now, is a mother and I am not ashamed of that. I mean, I probably should be because most days I suck at it but I am offended that OTHERS are offended that the Duggar girls are trying to be what I am and those people say how dare they? How dare they not REACH HIGHER?
Anyway, I'm sure I am not making sense but I just - I am not mad at the Duggars, hardly ever, but I am certainly mad at the people who have to go and on about them. Let's live and let live with everyone, not just the ones with whom we agree anyway, mmmkay?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Fifteen Prayers of St. Bridget
So my friend Marta had this idea of doing this novena for ONE YEAR. Her sister is doing it and she said that if you do this novena for ONE YEAR, a lot of good things happen to you. It came up because we were talking about dying suddenly. I can't remember for sure but I think I was talking about Mike's friend Tim, who died suddenly, I mean, he basically went to bed one night and everything was normal and he never woke up. His daughter is the same age as Maria and this was at Christmas right after Felicity was born, so they were not quite four years old, his daughter was not quite four when Tim died. It was a very significant loss for Mike, as Tim was one of his best and oldest friends, so I think about him a lot but also because I am so scared of that, of dying suddenly or Mike dying suddenly. Marta said well you should do this novena that my sister is doing because one of the things that it GUARANTEES is that you will not die suddenly. And I was like, um, what in the who now? Marta is from Italy and her sister lives there still and I have never really heard of such a thing. Marta is also a better pray-er than I am, so I guess that's why I never heard of it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
So anyway, we started on September 1 and it's going okay. I think when - oh, Marta and I are doing it together, with two other friends of hers. Anyway, I think when we first started we thought maybe we would do the prayers together but we never have, life gets in the way, la la la. But we do talk about it, in the beginning we would text each other when we were done and now we just talk about, like sometimes, well - ugh I am a terrible storyteller. This is the prayer, the list of prayers, and you say an Our Father and a Hail Mary and then the 15 prayers and then the conclusion and so Marta and I talked about how sometimes we have to say the Our Fathers and Hail Marys all at once, all 15, because we know them by heart and then we do the read prayers when we have time to look at them I am driving a lot too, so I sometimes do the memory prayers before I leave and the read prayers at red lights. Basically we do whatever it takes because it's for ONE YEAR!
Anyway, a lot of the prayers have to do with the hour of our death. Like, we pray about remembering the Passion of Jesus and then the prayer is like we know that you suffered and we pray that you won't forget us at the hour of our death, when we will surely be troubled. Sometimes when I am feeling mean, and am run down, I add silently, "but maybe you could not forget me right now, when these kids are driving me bonkers".
Anyway, one of the things promised is that - I mean, you can pray for something in particular. I always pray for my children but I pray the most for Anthony. I don't think that makes him my favorite or anything but we say prayers with the girls every night, all three girls know the Sign of the Cross and Maria and Veronica are learning about prayer in school and I feel like Anthony needs me to pray more for him because I don't think he prays for himself. So anyway, I pray for a miracle for him, I pray for his dog and the person who is going to train his dog, I pray for his respite care girl and her family, on and on, but in a sort of general way I just pray that his dreams come true.
And we have had no lightning bolts or anything but some good things have happened. His respite care girl is just wonderful, she is great with him and with our girls and with us. On Sunday at church, this woman that I know came over and said hi to me. She has two sons and one has autism and we have talked over the last year or so, my friend Carlos introduced me to her. Anyway, she said do you know that I see Anthony every Friday at his school? and of course then I remembered that she is an OT and I was so happy to hear that she is in school with him. She said I love his teacher so much, he is in really good hands and I feel like he's doing well there and it meant the world to me. So maybe God sent her? Because I am doing this prayer? Ha I know it sounds crazy but I am taking it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Eleven Things
I can never, ever resist a meme.
1. What is your favorite type of cheese?
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
I like bleu cheese a lot but probably goat cheese. Drunken goat cheese.
2. What are you excited about?
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
I'm excited about going to NJ next month. I'm nervous but excited. We are going for a family reunion and I am going to get to see family who I haven't seen in a long time but we're driving, I'm taking Maria and Veronica, my sister and I are going with my mom, that's a lot of people, we don't know exactly the plan, ugh, it's always something but I'm excited anyway.
3. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
I don't remember. I'm sure we went out to dinner.
4. What is on your bedside table?
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
Three pairs of glasses, my real ones and two pair of reading glasses, both with only one arm. Arm? Handle? You know, the part that goes over your ear.
5. What do you order from the movie theater concession stand?
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
I went to the movies last night for the first time in such a long time! It's the kind of movie theater that sells booze and Mike had two beers but I am not drinking so I had kettle corn and a diet coke. I wished the kettle corn had peanuts.
6. Do you have a garden? What’s growing?
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
No. I always think maybe next year but so far nothing.
7. Any summer plans?
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
Maria and Veronica still have one summer camp to go, CYO camp, the first full week of July. Felicity might go on Wednesdays to their little preschool camp. Mike and I are hoping we can go to NYC the last week of July but it depends on Anthony's fricken fracken medicaid and waiver and if we can get respite support before then.
8. Which TV couple(s) are you rooting for?
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
None. Does anyone? I can never get over that we are supposed to like Fitz and Olivia as a couple on Scandal. I mean a) he is married and b) he is the president and c) and this should probably be a), he is a Grade A Douchebag. I sometimes wish Peggy would get together with Stan on Mad Men. I can't exactly cheer for any couples on Orange is the New Black, they are all kind of jerks. I guess I am cheering for Jesse and her doorman boyfriend on Jesse and if you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you, with your having your own life and all.
9. What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought Graeter's ice cream today for Veronica and Felicity after we went to the pool Maria stayed at the pool with my friend Marta, and at first Veronica was jealous but when we got to the ice cream place, it occurred to her that SHE was having ice cream and Maria wasn't, ha! Then we talked about the meaning of the word benefit.
10. What’s one thing you are passionate about?
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
This fricken fracken insurance appeal for Anthony. I can't believe it is happening.
11. What are you grateful for this week?
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
I'm grateful it's summer and good weather. We had such a horrible winter, so cold and snowy and just - unDOable and even though I have to go out in the sun much more than I want, and even though everyone is home and bugging me for stuff to do, I'm grateful that I have these kids and I hope that they remember this summer as a fun one. I read this awful article one time, interviews with parents who had lost children, and I tried to remember the whole thing but one thing really stuck with me. They asked this Dad who had lost his son what he was grateful about, what was something he was glad he did with his son and he said "we camped the hell out of every summer". And I would never, ever go camping so that can't be a memory I have with the kids but I am trying to make their lives fun and I hope that someday they look back and say MAN, my mom took us a lot of places and tried to make us happy! Maybe they'll say, jeez, she is so fair and it must have been awful for her to put that fat ass in a swimsuit every day of her life, alongside those skinny, skinny bitches, and stand in the sun, but she did it! She's the best! Yay, mom!
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