Catholic, for God's Sake

I Smell Children!

2012-01-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

The title refers to that awful guy in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the one who can smell out the children? Before I was married and had kids, I used to always imitate him when I was working in a restaurant and had to wait on lots of kids. It's mean, I know.

Which brings me to my next point. There's a blogger that I follow on Twitter, and she pointed to a post by another blogger, and it concerned me for several reasons.

We are having a conversation about it, of sorts, on Twitter, but I wanted to quickly write out this post because, funnily enough, I have to get ready to go to Mass. Mike just got back from 9:30 and I am going to 11:30.

Before I had Felicity, we all went to church together at what we thought would be our new church. We would all go in and sit and then when Anthony got too loud (and hoo boy can that get loud), either Mike or I would take him out into the huge foyer that they have at this church. It was ... not great. First of all, we had to stop taking turns because Mike had to take him to the toilet once we started training. Second, and this was more problematic, everyone and their brother came out to the lobby during Mass and it got a little crowded and a little hard to hear the priest. Also, if you stand near the doors, you can see everyone coming late (and I do mean late, like barely in time for Communion!) and it's a little disheartening to be out in the foyer because your child can't behave and to see all these neuro-typical people behaving horribly, just because they can. Is that irony? I can never tell.

Now that I've had Felicity, I usually take her on Saturday nights and Mike takes - well, he used to take Maria and Veronica but now he just takes Maria because Veronica is HORRIBLY behaved. She's loud, she takes off her shoes and blows you a raspberry when you tell her to put them back on, she runs up toward the altar, etc. There's no way for Mike to bring them both.

So I read this post and I think, hmmm. Really? Really we're not setting a good example for our kids? We're not taking responsibility for our children because we don't take them to Mass? Veronica is TWO! What is she getting out of Mass?

It is a great, great concern of mine, about Anthony and God. I pray every day that he will some day come to know God in a more real way. I would love it if he could make his Communion in a real way. I think he can make his First Communion regardless but I would like for him to know what is going on and be able to express stuff enough for Confession. If Sacraments give us grace, I wonder, where is he going to get his? I mean - I know that he is taken care of, I truly believe that God loves Anthony and that somewhere in his heart, Anthony knows God (as well as any 6.5 year old anyway) but I worry about this stuff anyway, is my point, and then to read a post that basically confirms my worries is ... um, worrisome.

Also, I flat out don't think kids of a certain age should go to Mass. I don't really think it's cute for a two year old to be waving her hands around at the Host. It drives me MAD when people talk about Jesus and the Suffer the Children quote, because, fine, those kids were AROUND in town or whatever, but you notice there were NONE at the Last Supper! They weren't invited, probably, because they should have been in BED!

So we disagree, this blogger and I, about kids at Mass. But I also disagree with sweeping statements like:

As Catholics:

We say that we are champions of Life, but are unwilling to help the unwed, pregnant mother.

We say that it’s everyone’s job to help those in need, but avert our eyes and shift in our seats when the beggar comes into the Mass.

We talk about how children are a blessing and the future of our Church, but we don’t want children interrupting OUR Mass.

We talk about how Jesus loves everyone and we should too, but then kick our son or daughter out of the house when they reveal to us they are gay.

Um, what Catholics are doing this? I used to go to church with some people in New York that I'm SURE didn't have a home. Almost all the churches I went to in the city were commuter churches and didn't have a regular parish EXCEPT FOR the homeless people. I can't speak for myself because I am not great with the volunteer work lately but my mother has been a long time volunteer for Birthline, which TOTALLY helps the unwed, pregnant mother. And believe me, she has OPINIONS about being unwed and pregnant, which have nothing to do with the help that she gives people. We are ALL sinners, I figure, and we all need help.

I just think there are a lot of sweeping statements in this post. I have a hard time when Catholics make sweeping and possibly untrue statements about Catholics because I feel like we get a hard enough time from everybody else!

That said, I am happy to have another Catholic blogger to follow, even if we don't completely agree.

Confession

2011-02-15T06:01:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how people seem to feel about Confession. I think a lot of people think of Confession as a very antiquated, old-fashioned thing that Catholics 'used to do'. I'm sure I felt that way, before Mike went through RCIA and I realized not only the importance of Confession, but the rule that says that you are supposed to go at least once a year. Our priest always suggests that you go four times a year, during Lent, Advent, and ... two other times that I am too harried to think of. When people tell him that they have nothing to confess, he always tells them that the Pope goes once a week! What do you suppose they are doing right that the Holy Father isn't doing? Ha! Nothing! We all need the grace given to us by going to Confession - it's a sacrament just like Holy Communion. Who are we to deny grace given by God?

I have a friend who is a Protestant and she is kind of mystified by Confession, as are a lot of people, Catholics included! The big thing, for people, it seems, is that you have to go THROUGH someone to get to God. Why, these people wonder, can't you just go to God directly? Well, of course you can, you can pray to God and ask God's forgiveness with no problem, obviously. But the sacrament of Confession is one that rules that you confess your sins to a priest - a priest, who is not the same as you. He is able to listen to your confession, to give you your penance prayers, and then to forget everything you said. I think it's amazing.

Ugh, I cannot STAND bold, bad Catholics. I mean, we are all sinners, I feel confident, but to just boldly ignore the rules of the Church and CROW about it on Facebook or whatever? It's rude and it's childish and it's annoying. I read this one woman who is always talking about how she'll just LEAVE the church if they 'make' them cover their hair, or if they 'make' them say different prayers. To that I say, LEAVE! BYE! My guess is that you are already ignoring the rules of the Church with the most famous transgression, practicing birth control, that you don't belong there anyway. No one even wonders about birth control anymore - no one even inquires. A friend of mine laughingly told me about how in her pre-cana classes, the priest had mentioned Natural Family Planning, and she and her husband laughed and laughed at the priest. Lovely.

But I wanted to say, about Confession, that I truly think that it is saving my spiritual life, ha, such as it is. The other day I went to church and it was PACKED. Some guy gave me his seat, but then a super old guy came in, so I gave him MY seat and I was standing out in the foyer, but it was freezing and there were a bunch of LOUD kids out there, so I figured I would just go stand online for confession. I wanted to go anyway and I figured that way I could stand and follow the Mass but also get to confession. So anyway, it was a visiting priest and I told him the usual, which is that I am impatient with my children and husband and that I worry that I have a severe lack of faith. He told me, among other things, that God loved me so much, that Gold wanted me to be very, very happy. And, I mean, I KNOW that, but it was something about hearing that sweet lilty voice say it, it really struck me. Or maybe I could just hear it more because I was on my way to being in a complete state of grace. I don't know, but following that Sunday, I had a very upsetting week and a lot of stuff happened and all I could think all week was that God loved me so much! That he wanted me to be so happy! I figured I better get on it, if that was the case, and it's really helped me. So far, so good.

Thoughts for Thursday - First time on a Thursday!

2010-11-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

What am I cooking?

I am making whole wheat spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner. I am trying desperate to use all of our food before we move in two weeks. It might make for some interesting meals!

What are my weekend plans?

We're supposed to go out tonight and try a new beer at one of our favorite downtown bars. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a Mom's Night In at a friend's house and Sunday afternoon Mike and I are going out to lunch while my MIL comes up to spell us for a while. It's all questionable, as everyone has been kind of sickly around here.

What are my prayer intentions for the day?

The kids have been sick, so I am praying for them and also praying in gratitude for their relative good health. I am praying that we get through our move okay. I am always praying for a miracle for Anthony.

What can my children do instead of watching T.V?

Nothing, apparently. Maria has been lying on the couch all morning, sick. Veronica and I went upstairs before and she played with her stuffed animals, she puts them to bed, says "shhhh!". It's cute.

What have I done for my marriage this week?

Just the usual, I guess. I am trying to not be too needy.

What am I reading?

I don't think I've read one thing this week!

What’s challenging me lately?

I am filled with worry about this move, and Anthony, and our life and our future. I wish I could just chill out and trust God. I know I should.

Something that made me think?

Whenever my kids are sick with some small illness or bug, I think of people whose kids are really ill and I wonder how anyone survives it.

Thoughts for Thursday - Saturday Edition :)

2010-11-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

I'm just behind on everything this week.

What am I cooking?

I've cooked exactly nothing today, but I did make an excellent black bean burger this week that I really enjoyed. Here's the recipe: http://brokeassgourmet.com/articles/black-bean-burgers-with-sriracha-aioli

Next time, I'd have more things to dress it up, like avacado, or lettuce and tomato. I also have to serve it with more. I didn't think I'd have time to make them on Thursday and then I did, so we only had chips with it and it wasn't enough. Maybe potatoes and a veg, or pasta salad and salad. But they were great!

What are my weekend plans?

I went out to dinner last night with my sister and a friend and I went to bed around midnight, which of course I regret because A was up at 4:30. 4:30! Tonight Mike and I are going out to dinner, we were supposed to go play cards but it got canceled because our friend who was hosting has a sick kid. I am going to Mass tonight and Mike tomorrow.

What are my prayer intentions for the day?

A friend of mine's ex-husband died very suddenly this week, so I am thinking of her. I have another friend who is having a baby soon, her first and I'm praying for her and her family. I started in a little prayer group this week and I'm praying for the women I met there and their families. As always, my little kids.

What can my children do instead of watching T.V?

We are playing outside, which SURELY must be the last chance. Also I am packing up the downstairs, and they are playing htere.

What have I done for my marriage this week?

We had a rough morning on Wednesday and Mike had plans to go out right after work, and I tried to keep everything going well so that I wouldn't sound desperate when I said "have fun, we're fine!". I wanted to really be fine and it worked.

What am I reading?

I'm still reading Half a Life and I'm doing some reading for this prayer group I'm in.

What’s challenging me lately?

I'm so tired. It's hard to not get depressed when you are so tired and people are so unhappy around you.

Something that made me think?

Hmmm. Because we were talking about God and marriage this week, I thought about my marriage a lot. I also think, often, what would I do without God? What would I do if I didn't have faith in something? I would like to be more appreciative of my life and my faith and stop acting like I don't believe what I believe.

Thoughts for Thursday

2010-11-07T04:52:00.000-08:00

My sister told me about this, it's from a blog that we both read called buildingcathedrals.com. Well, it's called Building Cathedrals, but that above is the address. You know what I mean. I just want to give credit where credit is due. I like the idea of 'checking in' weekly, but Lord only knows if I'll be able to do it. I'll give it a whirl:

What am I cooking?

Today I baked a cake for Mike's birthday, just from a box, because he likes a yellow cake and what is the point, I figure, of making a yellow cake from scratch when the people at Betty Crocker have already put it all together for me? I'm not fond of icing from a can, though, so I made some and WOW is it good. I made a double batch, the first batch didn't seem like enough. He likes yellow cake with chocolate icing and pecans, so as soon as everything cools, I'll ice it and put the pecans on. I'm happy with it all, looks-wise, so far, and that's half the battle, for me. We're having Cinnamon Carbonara today for dinner, Mike's mom and her husband and his sister and her girlfriend are coming over for dinner. His birthday is tomorrow, his last one in this house! I remember when he was only 36. :)

What are my weekend plans?

See? I should have done this on Thursday, but I'll backtrack. Friday night we had eggs for dinner and went to see a show called The Belle of Amherst, about Emily Dickinson. It was a one woman show and although I thought it was a SKOSHE long for a one woman show, overall I loved it. I thought the actress was wonderful, it was nice to see a play with Mike, which I haven't done for a long time, and the tickets were free! My sister babysat, which was also nice. Yesterday we went to the park, I went to Mass and then the grocery store. Today we're having birthday dinner.

What are my prayer intentions for the day?

I always pray for my children, especially Anthony, that his mind can be eased a little bit, today. I pray that he can get his sensory system in order and feel good and happy. I have a new friend on Facebook that I made, and her son just got diagnosed with autism, so I am praying for him and for her family, too. I always think of my cousin Sean around this time of year, tomorrow was his birthday. He died when he was 21 and I think he would have been 44 tomorrow.

What can my children do instead of watching T.V?

Play outside, today and tomorrow. It's going to warm up. They can also 'help' me with packing. Hopefully they can take a nice restorative nap today, as they were up early, because of the time change.

What have I done for my marriage this week?

I got up this morning with the girls! I want to be more mindful of not taking advantage of Mike and the fact that he always, always gets up with them. Now that I am sleeping more regularly, there's no reason I can't get up too.

What am I reading?

I'm finishing a novel called One Day, and I'm moving back to a memoir of sorts, it's called Half a Life.

What’s challenging me lately?

I wish I could be better on my diet. I wish I could be committed to exercising and eating better. I wish I could lighten up.

Something that made me think?

Meeting my new FB friend made me think about Anthony and when we got his diagnosis and how far we have come. I remembered trying to practice saying "Anthony has autism", like, in the car before I got places, so that I wouldn't cry when I said it. It rarely worked but I like to feel prepared. Anyways, it's better now, so I hope I can remember that no matter how bad it feels at the time, it always does get better. So far, anyway.

Confession and Vocation

2010-02-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

This is not a confession, it's about Confession, aka Penance, or the more obnoxious (to me) Reconciliation. Ugh. I like Confession and I think penance is what you get when you go.

The other day on my board, someone mentioned their cousin was making her first Penance and another person asked what that was. I said it was when you make your first Confession and someone ELSE clarified that Confession meant confessing your sins to a Priest. I thought that was a bit much - I think people generally know what Confession is, since people on tv and in movies are CONSTANTLY going to Confession, especially if they are not Catholic. Oh does that GRATE on my NERVES.

There is this baseball player who was an Oakland prospect who is leaving baseball to become a priest. I was listening to Dan Patrick on ESPN Radio, he was interviewing the guy and he asked him something about confession, I think swearing, maybe? Does he confess swearing? And the guy answered, laughing "every week". Dan Patrick went on to say that he remembered confession! And he used to count how many times he disobeyed his parents! Ho ho ho, it really seemed to stir up some memories for Dan. He didn't seem to be *not* Catholic anymore, I truly think that he thinks that Confession is for little kids and maybe people who are becoming Priests?

He's wrong. You're supposed to go to Confession once a year, a rule of the Church, and really you should go more often that that, really whenever you are aware of mortal sin. As my priest says, the Pope goes to Confession once a week and if HE can think of things to confess, I suppose we all can.

We're lucky that we have Confession available to us at our church all the time. I didn't go for a LONG time, like more than 20 years, but once Mike went through RCIA and before I got married, I went back and have been going regularly ever since. My sister goes now, too, which I think is lucky. I feel like we gained a lot by bringing Mike into the church, I feel like we got brought in a little bit more.

On vocations - Oprah had nuns on her show yesterday and they were so nice and sweet. They seemed so, so sure of their vocation and of course they weren't going to go on Oprah and cry about "I've made a terrible mistake" but I was jealous of them and their conviction. I do feel that I have been called to be a married person and I know that I have these kids and must be called to be their mother, but man. I am so, so bad at it. I was wishing I could just go to that damned cloister and play field hockey with those nuns and not have to be anyone's mother yesterday. I wish I felt more convinced of my vocation. Seven years those nuns have to go before they take their final vows! Seven! I am not even seven years into motherhood and already I feel like a failure most of the time, I wish I had ... what? Thought about it more? Prayed about it more? Ugh I don't know. They were nice, those nuns, is all. They seemed happy.

Two and a Half Jerks

2009-11-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

So. I was talking to a friend of mine the other night about tv shows, and I said how Mike doesn't like CBS shows and I don't either, really. We watch The Amazing Race and HIMYM, but that's it. My friend asked about Two and a Half Men, which I HATE and am completely flummoxed by. I do not understand why people like it. Anyways, she asked me why I didn't like it, and had I ever SEEN it? I said yes, I had seen it, plenty of times because it's on after Friends or something when I am nursing the baby and sometimes I can't get to the clicker, so I am forced to watch it.

I told her I don't like it because it's Anti-Catholic and she said, totally brushing me off, "oh, well, I'm not religious". (For the record, I also said I didn't think it was funny, Charlie Sheen seems like a gross pig to me and not a Lothario, and Jon Cryer's character seems gay, but isn't, which is weird). I didn't think anything of it at the time but I've been STEAMING about it ever since. I'm not religious?

What if I had said I didn't like it because it was Anti-Semitic? If it was racist? Anti-Homosexual? Anti-Woman? (It kind of is anti-woman, actually). The point is, she NEVER would have said "oh, I'm not a Jew!" if I had said it was anti-semitic. Or "well, I'm WHITE!" if I had said it was racist against Black people. I have said for a long time that Catholics seem to be the only group that it is acceptable to make fun of for profit, and this seems like a really solid example.

What does the word Progressive mean?

2009-10-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

I just was reading the blog of another mom of an autistic child and she says she's a 'progressive Christian'. I'm not sure but I think maybe that means 'pro-choice'. I have never heard anyone call themselves a "Progressive Catholic", I wonder why that is. I know someone who is a "Catholic for Choice", which is just *ridiculous* to me. I mean - be pro-choice but you just can't - you can't be Catholic and not against abortion. Now - politically, I suppose you can think what you want. I admit it gets murky for me, there. It's impossible to be against abortion and against the death penalty and find a political party that will work for you. But if someone thinks they can be a Catholic, a 'good' Catholic (for lack of a better term, you know what I mean) and be for abortion they are lying to themselves. Ha, and they are in good company, since we are all sinners, somewhere or other.

I just heard about the big deal about Curb Your Enthusiasm and the episode where Larry pees too hard and some of it gets on a picture of Jesus and the owners of the picture of Jesus (who keep the picture of their Lord and Savior in their ... bathroom?) think it's a miracle because it looks like Jesus is weeping in the picture. I saw the episode and I thought it was funny, but I (obviously) didn't think that part of it was funny. I thought it was so stupid - nobody would keep a picture of Jesus Christ in their bathroom! I also thought it was typical of kind of a "Jewish Humor", which seems to consist of making fun of Catholics. They also make fun of Jews and other Christians on this show, so it didn't really bother me. None of it bothers me and I can't imagine it bothers God, either. Really, Catholic League? Do we really think God cares about a show on HBO?

Behavior at Church

2009-06-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

We don't take our kids to church, after they are walking. This is just so far, I mean, we are going to take them to church some day, of course. It's just really hard right now - Anthony is LOUD and we're just not where we should be communication wise with him, so I could say "be quiet for an hour and watch the Priest or I'll beat you" or whatever and he could understand it. Ditto Maria. Usually I go to Mass on Saturday night and bring the baby and then Mike goes on Sunday.

This week, though, we went together because his mom came up and stayed with Anthony and Maria. Saturday night's Mass would have been crazy, because it was the big festival night Mass and we didn't want to mess around with it. Veronica started to cry shortly after we got there so I took her out in the foyer and nursed her and she fell asleep for the rest of Mass. So she was good, but she is only a little baby, so it's never a problem with her. HOWEVER.

When I was out in the foyer, there was a kid out there SCREAMING. She was shrieking so loudly that I took V outside a little bit because I thought it would wake her. The girl was maybe Maria's age, around one anyway. She was tired? Maybe? Just hateful, I felt bad for her and for her parents, who just didn't seem to be able to fix it. She eventually quieted down and I sat on the choir loft stairs to nurse Veronica. Then another mom came out of church with two girls, maybe 4 and 2. The two year old kept dropping Goldfish on the floor and the mom was scooping them up but there was no garbage and she had nowhere to put them - I have been there. You can't eat them like you would at home, because we had yet to take Communion, so she was stuck. Then her husband came out of church and went whipping by with their son (I didn't know he had anyone with him yet, I was sitting so I could only see adults, tall people) and took him downstairs. He said something to the wife about how "he was being REALLY ANNOYING". Then I think he took the kid downstairs to spank him, because I heard the kid crying. SIGH.

I don't believe in corporal punishment for children, but I suppose it's none of my business. But I think it's tacky and weird and a little dangerous to go spanking your kid in the basement room of a church. I don't know how hard he hit him, but man - do you really want to get involved with a bunch of people seeing you spanking your child in public? Do you really want to involve YOUR CHURCH? As if there's not enough trouble. Then the guy brought the boy (maybe three years old?) back up and went back into church BY HIMSELF, leaving all three kids with the mom.

Eventually I was finished beating -ha ha I mean nursing - Veronica, so I took her back in. In the front row, I saw a couple I know with their FOUR boys. The youngest is brand new, maybe two months old, and was in a sling on the mom. The next oldest boy was weepy and sad. I figured he was maybe having a hard time with the baby, because he seemed super over attached to the mom. The older two boys were pretty good, especially for little kids, nobody was older than six, I'd say. But the Dad never even LOOKED at the kids, the mom had to do EVERYTHING. Between the mom alone with her three outside and this mom inside alone with her four, I was really confused.

Somehow I think it might be a religious thing for these people. As Catholics, we do venerate Mary and her role as mother, and I think that we do believe, as a Church, that mothers should ... well, mother. I think we're kind of into gender roles, is what I'm saying. I believe, and this may be controversial, that I was made to be a mother, specifically my children's mother and I don't think anyone could be better at it than I, even their father. I feed them with my body, I think I have better instincts, etc. I try (and fail by the minute) to imitate the Virgin Mary, and I ask her to pray for me. I'm down with the woman as mother thing.

BUT that never means that I don't need help with the kids! If my husband sat there as I struggled with the kids, or if he BROUGHT A MISBEHAVING CHILD OUT TO ME when I was there with the other two, I would not take it well. AT ALL. It seems like a cop out to me. I can't get over how much I see it in church, though, where I assume these couples also swore to love, honor and cherish. To me, abandoning your wife with the care of all your bad kids is not very loving.

Miracle

2009-05-27T17:13:00.001-07:00

I was reading the blog of a girl that I know, only on the Internet, not in real life, or IRL. She was saying how she can sort of understand why women who are lucky enough to get pregnant and have kids complain about them, because she complains about her dogs and she loves them, but she just can't understand WHINING about a miracle like being able to have children.

It was the whining that fell hard on my ear. Also, it might have made me feel guilty because I do my fair share (and probably some other people's) of complaining about how HARD my life is. Also, I just had a baby sixteen months after I had my previous baby and I may have complained about that a little bit. Or a lot.

I do talk a lot about how hard my life is, how bad my kids are, how shocked I still am that I just had another child. But doesn't everyone? I mean, in a way? NOT Mother Teresa, or lots of Good People, but regular people? I feel in many ways like I am just calling it like I see it - lots of days, being a mother can suck. My mom used to tell me, when Anthony was little, to 'think of the Blessed Virgin' and I would tell her, 'I'm pretty sure he's not the Son of God, Mom'. I do pray and ask the BVM to pray for me, I look to her for guidance and I say the Memorae a LOT.

Of course I recognize that my children, that all children, are miracles. I look at that baby's perfect little ear when she's nursing and I can't get over it. But that doesn't stop me from feeling tired the fourth time she's up in the night. I think Maria is gorgeous and beautiful and a slice of heaven but when she screams in my ear? It hurts. If Anthony stomps on my foot, which he does several times a DAY, it hurts! Even from his little miracle foot!

I try, try try to be grateful, and every day I fail. I am just, at this point, hoping to fail a little less. Or more quietly.

Faith and Illness

2009-04-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

So I guess I have been thinking about how I reconcile the fact that Anthony has autism with my Faith. I read this one blogger, who I like a lot, and with whom I have a lot in common, except she is a former Christian and a present Atheist (I think) and I am not formerly Christian and am presently Catholic, so ... not at Atheist. BUT I love her and her writing and man - it never occurs to me to argue with people about why they believe or don't believe whatever they believe or don't believe. When they want to argue what *I* believe, it gets sort of dicey, but I don't find that with this blogger.

ANYWAY. She recently wrote about her non belief and specifically about not being able to reconcile how God can let bad things happen, specifically to children. I have a hard time with this too, of course, and I think even more specifically I think WHY do things happen to ME? Because I am selfish.

Growing up, my older brother was sick. He had a muscle disease, of the auto immune variety, and he was sick from the time he was nine and I was five, so ... all of my life, really. I used to pray every night that he would get better and he never did, really, BUT it didn't kill him either. Now I pray for him every night that he won't have too much pain and that he'll have the strength to get through his days. Also, I can be a complete bitch to him, so I pray that maybe I could lay off on that.

I think about my brother a lot when I think about Anthony, because I DO think all the time, WHY is my child autistic? WHY me? Why him? Why will I never know what it's like to just have a 'normal' three year old, four year old, whatever year old, first born? Where is my husband's little football playing boy? My brother literally never complained one time about his situation. I never heard him ONCE say "why me?" or question why he got sick, or why kids were so mean to him, or anything. I guess maybe he thought it wouldn't do any good?

I think that too - I think what good would it do for me to say "Well, this is IT then! I don't believe in GOD anymore, because he sent me this autistic son!" Because that autistic son is also my little Anthony, who is really beautiful and brilliant and funny and ... you know, my son. My first boy, my baby, my everything. I feel about him like everyone feels about their child. My heart swells with love for him all the time. I want everything to be great for him, I want him to find his place in the world and succeed in whatever it is that he does.

Maybe I had unrealistic expectations of motherhood? Maybe I'm being taken down a peg or two? I have always been a smartypants and I've always had opinions on things, so maybe this is God's way of making me be a better person, to be better to others? I don't know. I know that before I had kids, I used to say in Confession that I had such worries and doubts, and I felt faithless. My priest would say "Well, God got you this far" and I would think that's right. He did. And then I would go ahead and be doubtful and faithless anyway because I am DUMB. :)

Anyway. I am so grateful that I have my faith and I'm so grateful that I was married in the Church because I worry about everything and I mean EVERYTHING having to do with my kids, like everyone, but I never worry about my marriage or family failing. I do feel like God is on my side and I may never know why Anthony is the way that he is but who cares? What is the downside? That I love him and pray for him and think about him and want the best for him? Well, who doesn't?

Sometimes, when I am thinking about how hard I have it, and how I wish Anthony could just ... be 'normal', or whatever, I think about how maybe in Heaven he will talk to me. And he'll say "I love you" and "thank you", or maybe he'll say "No!" or something that I long to hear from him. But it will FEEL like it's happening right now. Maybe it's THAT magical. I hope so. And I'm willing to try and get there to find out, because that child talking to me is the closest thing to Heaven that I can imagine.

Reminder to Myself

2009-04-24T15:11:00.001-07:00

I want to talk about religion and autism, but I'm not sure how. I feel that my faith has certainly been tested since I've had these children, not just by the fact that Anthony is autistic but by both (all three!) of them, really. I want to talk about vaccines and autism, and social contracts and vaccines and autism and morals. I want to talk about how I never worry that my husband and I will end up divorced, like 99% of parents of autistic children (ha - I am exaggerating but LORD it's high, or at least it's supposedly high) because I feel like no matter what happens with us, God is on our side. I am trying to have the best marriage and family that I can, and I try to use the Holy Family as a model. I know that even though I sometimes feel like I have been forgotten, like poor sweet Anthony has been forgotten, it's not true. I feel in my heart that we are being taken care of, just held in the palm of His hand. I am glad I'm a faithful person, and maybe I'm fooling myself, but in the meantime, it works for me.

I want to write about all this stuff but I don't have time because as I just told Mike, this kitchen looks like a bomb hit it and I've got to clean it up a little before bedtime.

Oh, You Crazy Old Grey Lady, You

2009-04-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

So Dolan is now the Archbishop of NYC and God help us all. I don't know a lot about him, but I do know that there has been some CRAZY goings on in Milwaukee and Mike and I went to a LUNATIC Mass up there several years ago (this was before Mike was Catholic and I thought we'd lose him there for sure!). I guess actually Dolan replaced the loon that was Bishop there before? But anyway this article in the NYT cracks me up.

Some of the highlights of the awesome "journalism" going on:

He greeted an overflow crowd of more than 3,000, reading from a sheet of yellow legal paper as he recognized some of the prominent people in attendance, and giving a special mention to a contingent of New York City firefighters and their commissioner, Nicholas Scoppetta.

Really? Was it YELLOW legal paper? Not RED? Or plain WHITE? Interesting!

Also:

Afterward, some who attended the Mass said they were pleased with Archbishop Dolan, who previously led the Archdiocese of Milwaukee. “His focus is on the Catholic point of view,” said Vicki Miano, a registered nurse from the Bronx, “and if he keeps doing that he’s going to bring a lot of enthusiasm to the church.”

The Catholic point of view, Vicki? What view did you think he'd focus on? Maybe, I tell myself, she meant the catholic point of view, meaning 'of the people', but since it's capitalized, I doubt it.

Lastly:

He (Dolan) did not refer to it, but there is conflict between Catholic dogma and scientific conventions on several fronts, including the medical definition of brain death, the legal definition of the beginning of human life and the ethics of embryonic stem cell research.

This sentence is TERRIBLE. Catholic dogma does not set the LEGAL definition of human life. Scientific conventions don't care about the ETHICS of embryonic stem cell research. The hell? Does anyone still consider this trash to be a good newspaper?

(via Amy Wellborn)

Obama at Notre Dame

2009-04-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Man. I have thought about this a lot, actually, Lacey! :) I have a friend who is a Liberal person politically, and a Catholic, but not really, anymore, as she doesn't go to Mass or believe in a lot of what the Church believes, and she posted a link on Facebook to a blog where the author wrote about Obama at Notre Dame. This guy and I do not agree because he was of the opinion that the Church is somehow contradicting itself on Its' stance about Life Issues and I think that a) the Church is always right and b) they are truly NOT contradicting themselves when it comes to Life issues. I also don't agree that "right wing Catholics" (whatever the hell that is) are the only people offended at the possibility that Obama would receive an honorary degree from a Catholic college.

Now - some conservative Catholics MIGHT be contradicting themselves about Life issues. For example, if you are in line with the Republican party's beliefs, you are probably anti-abortion, and anti-euthenasia, BUT you are probably PRO-death penalty. I do not feel this way, I am not a person who believes in the death penalty and I am a person who believes in life beginning at conception, so I am obviously against abortion. There isn't really a big party, though, for people who think like I do, so what do you do? You have to make a choice and do the best that you can. This varies greatly from person to person, as to what they choose to do. Mostly the Church recommends that you vote your conscience and that it's a moral obligation that we have to vote. But it's hard, it was especially hard for me with this Presidential election.

For the record, I voted for Obama in the primary against Hillary Clinton. I was very excited at the possibility of a Black President and I can say that I was 100% with Chris Rock on why - I thought it was about time and I thought it would be a beautiful thing to say to a young child, no matter what color or race they were, that they could be ANYTHING, even the President of the US! If I were a young black child before Obama, I would think "sure I can, tell me another one". To me it was so much 40 Acres and a Mule before Obama. Also, I read Obama's book a few years ago and I was impressed by him.

Then I read a lot of stuff on Obama and saw several interviews that he did where he talked about abortion. When he was asked in an interview when he felt that life began he said that it was 'above his pay grade'. I was so disappointed - I mean, it's a hard, complicated question and to pay it so little mind was really awful, I thought. He is extremely pro-Choice and goes on and on about abortion being 'safe, rare and legal', but I only could see him voting for measures that made it so far beyond that - and not safe at all for the babies born alive, in the case of a vote that he wanted to make in the Illinois State Senate. I don't know how you can claim to want abortion to be rare, but to demand that it be available to everyone, no matter what their age, and that their parents don't have to know that a young girl is getting surgery, at the very least.

So I had to vote my conscience and not vote for him but I was still excited that he won. I don't consider it my fault that we as a country are in the position that we're in, that we've never had a black President, so I reserve the right to be happy that he is now President. I pray daily that he will have a conversion of heart about Life issues, PARTICULARLY this nonsense about embryonic stem cell research and cloning, which is what all this federal funding of stem cell research is leading to, I firmly believe.

SO now Notre Dame invites him to not only speak at their commencement but to receive an honorary degree and I think it's awful, but I am not surprised at all. I don't even know why Notre Dame considers themselves a Catholic college at all! I was very happy to hear that the Bishop of South Bend wrote eloquently about why he would not be attending the commencement where Obama speaks - I think that is his right and duty.

It's not just that Obama is Pro-Choice - he is a Democrat, NOBODY is surprised that he is Pro Choice. The problem is that he seems to have NO regard for Life at all or for people that might have different beliefs than he does. The most offensive is the Freedom of Choice Act, which scares the hell (!) out of the Catholic church in this country, as well it should. Catholic Hospitals HAVE to have the right to refuse to have abortions performed in them, if they don't, they will have to close. It's also offensive that he is trying (and I guess is going) to get federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, without any care for how many Americans feel about it.

I DO understand the cachet involved with having a sitting President, let alone the first Black president, speak at your college. But we have to stand for something, and this is not it, in my opinion. That said, I really wouldn't look to Notre Dame to set any standards, Catholic-wise. Talk about a Cafeteria Catholic - Notre Dame is the worst, wanting all the good that being a Catholic college does for you without bearing any of the responsibility. Here is an excellent article that better articulates my point.

NFP - the Way to be!

2009-03-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have a million thoughts about NFP, a million times a day, it seems, but that's mostly because I am 31 weeks pregnant and my daughter is only 14 months old! So my first thought about NFP, always, is HOLY CRAP! I have been greatly comforted by some NFP'ers on line and I want to say something about NFP in case someone is ever looking.

I just read an article in this magazine that we get from the Couple to Couple League. We belong to the League, I guess, because we bought a NFP kit from them last year. In fact, I got pregnant when we were charting for the first time ever! I literally was like, WHY am I running out of spaces for days on this chart? Is it because it's day FORTY of my cycle? And then I was like heeyyyyyy, WHY am I on day FORTY of my cycle? Perhaps I should go get a pregnancy test. Ugh, I feel like such a dope when I think about it! I have since read that when you are first charting, especially when you are breastfeeding, you are supposed to not have sex for like three months until you figure out your cycle. Ha. Noted. NOW.

So this article poses the question Is Using NFP Hard? There's a great answer written by a woman who has .... 11 children! It's interesting though, because she and her husband contracepted for the first three years of their marriage and only used NFP because in the three years that they were using contraceptives, they had three kids and she thought NFP might work better!

This will never be an issue for me, unless I am like Elizabeth or something, because I am already over 40 so I doubt there are 8 more pregnancies in my future. Also? I really really hope there aren't, as I can't think of many things I dislike more than being pregnant, except maybe having a newborn. Ha!

BUT the woman who wrote the article pretty much said that she and her husband, overall, are happy that they are using NFP, even though it's hard. And I thought of course it's hard, but that's not all it is. It's also easy and natural. Not natural in the sense of nature but natural in that it always feels good and is easy to do what God wants us to. Even if I am miserable, or worried, or think 'how can I do this? How can I take good care of Anthony, who is autistic, or Maria, who will only be16 months old when I have this next baby, and really give them ALL one hundred per cent?', even when I think that, I also think, 'I can'. Because anything is possible with God and I know it. I know that God wants us to have this baby too. I am hoping that I know that God is sending me a good, sweet, sleepy baby. Ha! I am not sure of that, but I am hoping.

It's also easy to make a decision that has been made for you. I could no more live with myself if we used artificial contraception than if I were having an affair or beating my children. I am a person who believes in the Rules of the Church, and I just can't break any of them. I mean, of course, I am a sinner and I make mistakes but I can't - I couldn't, like, go to confession and just leave out that we were using artificial contraceptives, as many of my friends do.

As for the one billion friends (and family members!) who are Catholic but still use artificial contraception, I say, you are full of shit, and if that sounds harsh and un-Christian, well, just know that I am praying for all of you that you get less full of shit. In many ways, the Church is to blame. I am always complaining to my husband that our priest never mentions ANYTHING about contraception or NFP, but recently our priest said that he didn't talk about sex during Mass because there were children present and it's not his choice to decide when parents talk to their kids. We don't take our kids to church with us, so I sometimes forget that this is an issue. I still think that in a parish like ours, we have enough young couples that we could offer an NFP class, or at least provide families with information.

It's like this - I know that we are all clear on the Big Sins. We all know about murder, and theft, and sex outside of marriage, etc. What people don't seem to know, or think, is that they are all the same. Sin is sin, right? Mortal sin? I can't believe how cavalier so many people I know, and their priests, seem to be about artificial contraception.

I owe a lot of our knowing the importance of NFP to our nun friend, who taught my husband when he was in RCIA. We were engaged the whole time he was in RCIA and she talked to us about it right away, which was somewhat embarassing at the time, but for which I will be forever (and beyond!) grateful. I also appreciate the way that Catholic Radio addresses the situation, although I guess maybe some of that is through commercials.

So. In short, I am glad we use NFP and I look forward to putting it into practice after I have this next baby in what I consider to be the RIGHT way. We are going to discern monthly what we think God wants us to do and really try to be open to whatever that is, even if it doesn't make immediate sense to us.

First Post - Vatican and Washing Machines

2009-03-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

I was watching the View yesterday, God help me, and those ninnies were commenting on the recent article that a Vatican writer put out about the greatest innovation for women to come out of the last century (google it). The way the dimwits on The View saw it, it was the Pill, "Reproductive Rights" (abortion), and something about equal rights in the workplace, I think. The Vatican writer said it was the washing machine, which I have to agree with, for myself. It has certainly done more for me, as a woman and a stay at home mother, and just as a PERSON, than the pill, or abortion rights, or equal rights in the workplace and here's why.

I really think that it could be questioned by everyone, not just religious nuts like myself, that the Pill is so great. Baba Wawa said that it was great because now we "don't all have to have ten children". I know very few people with ten children, even the ones that use NFP. A LOT of the married women that I know don't take the pill, and the ones that do seem to hate it, because of the side effects, like weight gain, moodiness, etc. Also, it is amusing to me that the Pill is this great answer for women and it puts ALL the responsibility of birth control on the woman, which to my mind is the same as before the pill! HERE'S your great answer, girlies - take hormonal birth control so that YOU don't get pregnant, gain weight, don't smoke, don't be over 35, take it at the EXACT SAME TIME every day, or you might get pregnant, and if you get pregnant, the baby could be really screwed up, so you will maybe have to have an abortion. Oh yes, that sounds AWESOME. What a GREAT innovation for women! How KIND of you men folk to invent this for US. THANKS.

As far as abortion rights go, I think it's pretty much the same thing, right? Nobody thinks that abortion is a great choice, right? Even the most pro-choiciest of the choiciest? So again, here's this GREAT innovation (it's so stupid that this would even be considered an innovation, would anyone say that civil rights is an INNOVATION? Invented by someone? Duh.) that is going to HELP US poor stupid women so much. And what about women who are celibate? Or against abortion? Or only in reproductive years for like 1/3 of their life or something?

Barbara Walters did point out that the Church was hardly likely to come out and say that they thought abortion rights or the Pill was the greatest thing ever and then that NINNY Elizabeth Hasselbeck said that she didn't think the Church had any right to ever say anything about women because as far as she knew, women still couldn't be priests, right? Is that right?, she asked (someone, I guess maybe a producer?). Elizabeth said that until women can 'rank' as high in the Catholic church as men, then they should just be quiet about it. Sigh. Obviously, she knows nothing about the Catholic church and even if you are of the opinion that women should be allowed to be priests, to say that priests are 'ranked' higher than, I assume, nuns, is just ridiculous. There is no such ranking. I hate when know-nothings comment on something that is so personal to me.

Let me say some other things that I have been thinking about in the three damned days it's taken me to write this missive. If it weren't for the washing machine, no woman would have had the TIME to do anything else, like fight for equal rights or pay, because it used to take ALL DAY to do the laundry. My husband told me that a book he read on LBJ had a big account about this - LBJ was a poor person from Texas, right? I think? Anyway, they had no washing machine and his mother or whoever spent ALL DAY MOST DAYS doing laundry. Also, several years ago they had this show on PBS about this experiment that they did where several families went to live out on the Prairie as if it were the ... I forget. The late 1800's? Maybe? Anyway, the laundry and dishes were RIDICULOUS. I mean, they spent all their time cleaning that house and washing clothes. AND washing diapers, those of them that had children, AND washing home-made cloth pads, those of them who were menstruating. I can't imagine the kind of time that it took to just ... live before we had modern conveniences.

So, in short (ha, not really) I don't think that the Vatican writer was trying to degrade women or keep them in their place or anything else that the Vatican and anyone associated with them is constantly being accused of. So shove it, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. And shut up.